Hypochondriac?

So I think I'm turning into a bit of a hypochondriac. Ever since hearing that my next step is to have a laparoscopy to look for/treat endometriosis, I can't stop analyzing my body to figure out if I have it or not. Currently I am on Day 23 and for the past couple of weeks it seems that I have been having some mild, throbbing pain. It's not quite cramping. Honestly, I don't have any of the major symptoms of it... the only reason my doctor has scheduled this surgery is because everything else has checked out! And now that my hormones seem to be more normal, this is pretty much the only "problem" left to solve. As you can imagine, part of me really wishes that I have it because it would explain so much and presumably it would be an easy fix. I know that many of you out there have been treated for this... do you know of anyone that was "cured" so to speak after have the endo removed? Just curious. I know that usually with infertility there is a combination of problems. I'd appreciate any advice that you have!

Recent Blessings

I've been aware of many recent blessings in my life - both big and small. In a way it feels as if I've turned a corner spiritually. It all started with an article that my priest friend, Fr. R, sent me titled "The Spirituality of Infertility." I was overwhelmed with comfort, encouragement and support. Honestly for the first time I felt that my feelings were validated and that I wasn't alone on this journey - that someone else was dealing with the same feelings and emotions. The author gave a beautiful and at the same time practical description of what it's like to walk this road. Here is the link if you're interested - http://www.hli.org/infertility

The next consolation I received was at my last doctor's appointment. I had been feeling quite frustrated with my treatment "plan" - or lack thereof. But I wasn't sure if it was just me being impatient or if I really should be looking around for other help. It had been awhile since my last appointment (May - September) and it had been a long stretch of wait-and-see. I was taking the Femara and Chrysin and waiting to see if it would have any effect. My last appointment was full of hope for me - my hormones DID show a change and my doctor decided it was time to schedule the laparoscopy to check for endometriosis. It had been so long (at least in my eyes) without anything concrete happening that I had started to despair. Of course in my eyes, there is just one sign of success. Granted, I freely admit that I must be one of THE most impatient people ever! All that being said, it was a very hopeful appointment. It also happened to be the first time that my hubby came with me and that was really helpful. I was glad that he got to hear from the doctor directly... sometimes I wonder if I accurately translate everything when I come home from my appointments.

Next in the line-up of blessings is all of your blogs that I have come across! It totally was Providence that I just happened to come across them. I needed to re-order my Creighton charts and since this was the first time I needed to re-order, I wasn't sure if I had to go through my instructor or if I could just purchase them online. So I was doing a search for the charts and I came across www.catholicinfertility.org and links to other blogs. I have felt overwhelmed, again, with support, encouragement and comfort. I cannot express how much it means to me to read your stories. Somehow, you are helping me carry this cross.

Last but not least I reconnected with a friend of mine, J. She recently returned to the area after spending a year with the Daughters of St. Paul. She thought God was calling her to the religious life but she discerned that this was not her call. We both find ourselves in a much different place than we had anticipated... we both are struggling to understand God's will... and we are both struggling to remain faithful in the way we know we should. So we decided to form a women's prayer group. I am so excited! I have definitely feel the need to be fed more spiritually and this is a great start.

I think it's so important to realize the many blessings in my life and to be grateful for all that I have. Obviously this is what I should always do... but particularly now when I can get so down. God is good and I am truly blessed in many ways. I am grateful today for all these gifts!

First Entry

Well, I'm not really sure where to start... I've sat down to start this blog a couple of times but I haven't known exactly what to say. I typed up my infertility history, so I guess that is a good start to introducing myself!

What it really comes down to is that until a couple of weeks ago, I had no idea there was such an online community out there of women who are trying to conceive. I have been struggling on this difficult road and to make it worse I really have felt alone. Don't get me wrong, my husband is amazing and he is truly my partner in every way! But I think a lot of you will agree with me that this experience is very different for women than it is for men. (Duh! Isn't that always the case?) As with all things in life, I need the support and encouragement of my girlfriends to get through this. Praise God, I am blessed with a loving family and wonderful friends and they have provided as much support as possible to me. But unless someone has walked - or is currently walking - this road, they really just don't understand. I have found tremendous amounts of support and encouragement from all these other infertility blogs. More than anything, I have found validation for all my emotions/feelings and that is a true gift. As I've been reflecting on this it hit me that so often we don't really want or need a solution to our problems, we just want to be heard, to be validated and to be understood. Don't get me wrong, I am praying DAILY for healing and a solution to my problems! But I didn't realize how much consolation I would receive from finding a community of support - even though it's "just" an online community.

The name and Scripture passage of my blog has always been one of my favorites. I first came across it on a retreat during college and it really struck me at that time. I was in a period of transition and I had fears about the future... "Where was I going? What plans did God have for my life? Who was I going to become?" It's amazing how these questions still plague me today, athough the circumstances are very different. This passage has popped up at various times in my life and each time it gives me the consolation that God is in charge, that He has a plan, and that He always wants my good. It's funny as I look back on the other struggles or challenges in my life... they seem so trivial now. It seems silly that I was so worried about those things. So in a small way, it brings me comfort that hopefully one day I will be able to look back at this time in my life and have similar thoughts. Only God knows...

Thanks for reading my new blog!