Snowy Weekend

It's been a snowy weekend here in Maryland and I am so grateful for the unexpected time at home! The local news wasn't calling for much snow in our area - they said that DC and Virginia would get most of it. But we ended up with about 8 inches. That's a lot for us!

Most of my plans for the weekend were canceled - I was supposed to sing for three Masses and have youth group tonight at church. I did go out at 11am yesterday to meet my friend for brunch, although I probably should have just stayed home - the roads were messy and I passed two accidents on my way to see her. Thankfully I didn't have any trouble. It was so fun to see my friend, but it was an unnecessary trip out. Which is why we decided to call off youth group tonight. It's not supposed to get above freezing today and at night the roads will be slick.

I can't resist taking pictures of the snow! I guess it's the California girl in me.



Things have been so busy for me lately, I am truly grateful for some extra time at home. I did a little laundry, cleaning and organizing; I made chili and cornbread muffins for dinner; and I did some relaxing! My hubby and I are huge Lost fans, so we have been watching some old episodes. The final season begins this week.

Yesterday we also spent time on our "Dear Birthmother" letter and scrapbook. I'm hoping we can finish both soon and schedule our appointment with the domestic team social worker. It's hard not to feel the pressure to make both of these perfect, but really we just have to do our best and trust that God will lead us to the right birthmother.

Hopefully tomorrow I will get the results from my thyroid testing. I'm super curious about the results! You can bet I will be calling the office if I don't hear from them.

Cycle Update (updated)

Today is day 2 of a new cycle. Oh joy. My last cycle was 27 days, which is pretty long for me. It was my third cycle on endometrin, so I hope it has helped lengthen my luteal phase. Then again, I wonder: what good is a long LP if we haven't conceived?? But I guess it's better than nothing.

I got the results of my peak +9 bloodwork: estradiol was 344 and progesterone was 21.7. Again, Dr. C called those numbers "wonderful." Peak +11 was a Sunday, so I didn't get it drawn that day and Monday was too crazy for me to get to the lab. By Tuesday my temps were dropping and I knew my cycle was ending.

I called last week to ask for a thyroid panel. The script came in the mail today, so I'm going to get that bloodwork done tomorrow morning. The panel says: TSH, T3 free, T4 free, Thyroid Ab group (microsoma Ab and Throglobulin.) Has anyone else had this done? How many vials will they need for this? I don't usually call ahead, so I hope it can be easily done. I have no idea if I have a thyroid problem or not, but it seems like a good thing to test at this point. I would love for this to be THE problem that's been the missing link all along. :)

I heard today that a couple I met at our IF support group meeting with Dr. B just adopted on Monday. I am so thrilled for them! I'm especially glad because they are using the same agency as us. I think they waited a little over a year, which seems normal. It's good to know that our agency is having success!

**Update**
So I got my blood drawn this morning. I hope I can get the results on Monday! Now I am super curious if I have a thyroid issue or not. You never know with my doctor's office - sometimes they are quick, other times I have to call them to request the results.

Thankfully I had the "good" lady draw my blood. I always seem to bruise and it hurts more when the other lady does it. Has anyone else noticed a difference when getting your blood drawn?

Also, the lady told me that I'm starting to get a build-up of scar tissue on my vein from getting it drawn so much in the same place. I guess I should probably switch to my other arm. In the past people have struggled to find the vein on my left arm, so I always get it done on my right arm. But I don't want to mess up my veins.

While I was waiting for my turn I was in line behind an older woman and her granddaughter. It was so uncomfortable and painful to watch them interact. The little girl was probably around 4 years old. She was a little squirmy, but nothing out of the ordinary. The grandmother was constantly chastising her. She wasn't really yelling because she wasn't raising her voice. But she said things like, "If you don't stop acting like this I'm going to throw you away." "If you don't sit down I'm going to smack you in the face." "You better behave or someone is going to come take you away." Can you believe that???

I was in shock listening to her. I know that I'm only seeing a snapshot of their lives, so I'm in no place to judge. But I can't imagine every saying any of those words to a child. I just have to laugh at the irony of getting this bloodwork done because of my infertility and watching this kind of interaction with a child. What is wrong with people??

Richmond Babies

My hubby and I spent Sunday in Richmond. It was so wonderful to see our friends and meet little Ethan and Clara! We met for Mass, went to brunch at this lovely restaurant that overlooks the water, and then visited the studio where Ryan works. It was a wonderful day! I am so blessed to have developed friendships with these amazing women and their husbands. I am inspired by their faith and their adoption stories. It was such a joy to watch them as mothers! Both of them are naturals and I was struck by how calm they are. I've been around some new moms that can be a little crazy and stressed out. Do you think IF prepared them to be better mothers? I hope that when my time comes I will be as calm and relaxed. Here are some pics from our day...

The babies!

Me, AYWH, and Clara

The whole gang

GIMH's hubby with Ethan

Just the girls (and Ethan!)

At the anchor desk

Me and my hubby "on TV"

Having fun with the green screen


The happy family!

200th Post

Wow, I couldn't believe it when I noticed that this was my 200th post. Have I really written that much?? I know that I have said this before... but I am SO GRATEFUL for this blogging community. God has blessed me tremendously through the support I have received, the real-life friendships I have developed and the opportunity to vent and express myself. This blog has given me an outlet that I desperately needed. And now that I have shared it with many of my family and friends, it has been a great way to communicate what's going on in my life. So thank you God for the gift of my blog!

In cycle news, I had my blood drawn again today (peak+9.) I was impressed that the nurses called me yesterday with my results from Wednesday. My results were "great," although it's hard to celebrate when that has been the case for so long now and still no pregnancy. My estradiol was 332 and progesterone was 28.8. We'll see what they look like today and next Monday.

Today is the March for Life and I'm sad to not participate in any of the events downtown. I thought about taking a group of my 8th grade students to the big Mass at the Verizon Center, but it just didn't work out this year. It's pretty amazing anytime that you can celebrate Mass with 20,000 people. I always leave that event uplifted and inspired, even though the reason for the Mass is to pray for an end to abortion. We are united in our faith and our efforts to fight for life.

Until I was reading my Magnificat this morning, I forgot that the Church (in our country) has designated today as a day of penance. I am hoping to offer up this day for any woman who is considering abortion - that she might choose life and adoption instead.

This week I have found myself praying for courage on more than one occasion. While I consider myself to be a person of strong faith (and all of my jobs are faith-based!) there are moments when I find myself afraid to speak up or speak the truth. Our society is so relativistic and at times I find it hard to get past this atmosphere in our culture.

Whether it's speaking up about life issues on a day like today, or encouraging the other Religion teachers at my school to make their classes more personal, or teaching Theology of the Body to my 8th grade students (while other teachers are in the classroom) - in all of these situations I find myself being guarded. Even though we are a Catholic school, I know that not everyone agrees with the Church and so I don't want to "offend" anyone by speaking up. I realize that some times are better than others to have delicate conversations, so I am praying for the wisdom and courage to speak when the time is right.

During my retreat a couple of weeks ago Fr. J made an interesting point when we were discussing evangelization. He said that unfortunately some people have distorted this beautiful quote by St. Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary use words." His point was that people have used this quote to justify their not speaking up, even when they should. Yes, our actions should speak loudly... but there are times when it is necessary to evangelize with our words.

And last, but certainly not least, I am SO EXCITED about my plans this weekend. On Sunday my hubby and I are spending the day with AYWH and GIMH (and their husbands and babies)!! We will get to meet little Clara and little Ethan! I am honored to call these ladies my friends and I cannot wait to meet their little miracles. Their stories have given me so much encouragement for our journey towards adoption.

Homestudy Approved!

We finally received a copy of our homestudy yesterday. It was so wonderful to read the words homestudy approved!! We still have a long road ahead of us, but it's always good to feel like we're making progress.

There are a few changes that need to be made to the report before it can be finalized. Overall I have felt confident in our agency and social worker, but I was really surprised at some of the mistakes we found in the report. She wrote that I had two miscarriages. Really? Where did that come from? She also got our references confused (who was interviewed, how long we've known them, etc.) It's not that big of a deal and everything can be easily corrected, but it makes me wonder. Next up we will put together our profile and scrapbook. I'm pretty sure that we work with a different social worker for this - someone from their domestic team. Then we are officially listed for potential birthmothers to choose us. Wow.

I have to admit that something in my heart has changed watching all of these adoptions in my life recently - GIMH, AYWH and LH. Most importantly it has confirmed that we are making the right decision! I know there is a lot still to sort out emotionally, financially, etc. But I feel even more confirmed that God can use the beauty of adoption to heal our hearts and grow our family.

For the first time I feel ready to make some practical preparations. I won't be setting up a complete nursery or anything! But I do finally feel ready to do a few things. It wasn't that long ago that I blogged about how painful it would be to research pediatricians, cribs, formula, strollers, etc. Having watched two friends experience VERY quick adoptions, I can see the value in being a little prepared.

We talked about our adoption plans in our Christmas letter this year, so I am hoping to spread the word as much as possible. Whether it's through a private adoption or our agency, I know that God will bring us the child we are meant to have. I'm just trying to open as many doors as possible. :)

In cycle news, today is peak +7 and I had my blood drawn this morning. I took Tamoxifen earlier in my cycle and I'm currently taking Endometrin. At this point, I'm mostly thinking about my appointment with Dr. S in March. But I will go ahead and get my blood drawn two more times to see what the levels are like.

A friend of mine suggested that I get my thyroid checked. I'm pretty sure that this has never come up in my medical history. Does anyone know what symptoms I would be having if I had a thyroid problem? My friend brought it up because I was complaining about my freezing cold hands and feet. Obviously this could be just a symptom of winter! But at this point, I've got nothing to lose. Any advice is appreciated.

Baptism

We had a wonderful trip to New York and Connecticut for the Baptism. It was so wonderful to see our friends and truly an honor to be named Godparents. Here are a few pictures.

Little Charlie

The Godparents

The Godparents and parents

During the sacrament

Reflections

It's been another busy week - what else is new?? Generally I like staying busy. My life is full of so many good things - I truly enjoy my work and all the other things I am involved with. This weekend we are heading to Connecticut for a Baptism. It will be so wonderful to see our friends and we are honored to be chosen as the Godparents. I am praying that our drive isn't too bad. We're hoping to leave around 2:00pm and get as far north as we can (maybe New Jersey?) before pulling over for a long dinner to miss the heavy traffic. We will spend the night with our friends in NYC and then drive together to the Baptism on Saturday morning in CT. It should be great!

Sometimes amidst the busyness I don't realize how things are affecting me. I have been reflecting on this the past couple of days because one night this week I was surprised by my own emotions. After looking back, it makes complete sense how I was feeling. But in the moment I was surprised.

Over the course of this one day I got news that a friend's baby was born and got text message pictures of the baby, had a conversation with a different friend about her pregnancy and birth plan, and exchanged emails with a third friend about planning meals for her delivery next month. I also realized that I was ovulating that day and had to make plans with my hubby as soon as we got home from work. I felt the pressure to use that day or else this cycle would be wasted. Unfortunately it took just one comment from my husband to put me over the edge. How did I not realize I would be emotional that night?

I am a very sensitive person by nature, so I try very hard to not overreact when something bothers me. I am easily hurt or defensive, so I have to make an effort to communicate how I'm feeling. But of course this is magnified when I'm already bringing some emotional baggage to the conversation.

As every infertile gal knows, some days (weeks or months) are just harder than others. It can be feast or famine with pregnancy/adoption announcements. Lately there has been an overwhelming amount of baby news in my life - both on the blogs and in real life. I have been filled with so many different emotions all at the same time. And yet I haven't had much time to process or reflect before more news arrives.

I'm still not exactly sure how to articulate what I'm feeling. I was already thinking about this post last night - and then I received another pregnancy announcement this morning. When I look back on the past couple of months, I can't even begin to count how many friends have gotten pregnant, adopted, or delivered. I have three pregnant co-workers that I pass in the halls every day. I also have countless friends who are in the "could be pregnant at any time" category. I know this is just one of those times, but how much can one barren girl take?

Praise God that I have been in a good place spiritually. Recently I have been so encouraged and strengthened by my spiritual director, my friends in faith, and my prayer life. And my husband is truly amazing. I shudder to think what I would be like without him supporting me on this journey. Unfortunately he bears the brunt of my irritability and moodiness. Sometimes I honestly don't notice it, but I am going to try my hardest to communicate better so that I don't take it out on him. Honey, I am sorry for my craziness.

Unfortunately right now I am feeling alone and left behind. Yes, in my strong moments I am filled with hope and peace and assurance and consolation. But it doesn't take much for my heart to go back to feeling sad.

"How long, LORD? Will you utterly forget me? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I carry sorrow in my soul, grief in my heart day after day? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look upon me, answer me, LORD, my God."
Psalm 13: 2-4

Amazing Retreat

I have so many thoughts swirling through my head that I could post about. I guess that's what happens when I don't post for a couple of days! The daily readings this week are about Hannah and Samuel, so obviously that gives a barren woman much to think about. Thankfully these readings have filled me with hope this week, and not despair.

Things have been crazy busy for me. I had an amazing retreat this past weekend. But as soon as I came back on Sunday I had to get myself together for school. In addition to my already busy Monday schedule, I am also now teaching a course for the Religion teachers at my school. The archdiocese requires that all catechists (parish or school) take classes to be certified. Thankfully I am allowed to teach these courses, so I will be teaching them after school. The teachers must take six courses for a total of 70 hours. (We'll be doing this over the next couple of years.) We are starting with the first one - Creed - and will meet six times for two hours.

Yesterday was the first class and I'm happy to say it went well! I was pretty nervous because I wanted to make it educational but also practical for the teachers. Some wanted to be there more than others, of course. But overall it went well. I've never taught teachers before, so this is new for me. It's amazing how similar and yet different it is to teaching children.

Anyways, I mostly want to post about my amazing retreat. AYWH was supposed to come with me, but we all know why she couldn't make it! Obviously God had other plans for her. I'm sad that she missed it, but thrilled for the reason why.

*Warning: this is really long!*
My dear friend Julia planned this retreat. She organized this great weekend by inviting her friends to come and asking her spiritual director to lead us. There were 15 of us, including the priest, and it was so wonderful to have such a small group. The entire weekend I kept thinking about how this is what it was like in the early Church. (I know, I know... I sound like such a Catholic nerd.) But seriously, it was so intimate and authentic. How often do you celebrate Mass with just 15 people, in a cabin in the woods, wearing snuggies and slippers? We had Mass once each day, confession, a holy hour of adoration, Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet and mini-talks throughout the weekend. Oh yeah, and we were silent for most of the time. It was so perfect. Exactly what I needed.

The theme of the retreat was the Holy Family, specifically focusing on St. Joseph - adoring Jesus, with Mary, learning from Joseph. Again, it was so perfect for me! I had spent some time reflecting on St. Joseph this past Advent and I led our faculty prayer group and my women's prayer group on the same theme! It was a nice consolation from God that He is leading me to reflect on this.

Fr. J organized the retreat into six lessons from St. Joseph. He read a passage of Scripture that included St. Joseph, we prayed a decade of the Rosary, he gave a mini-talk on the lesson, allowed us time for group discussion, and then time for silent reflection. It was so great.

The six lessons were prayer, obedience, compassion, humility/meekness, chastity, and transcendent cause.

1. Prayer: Fr. J explained the difference between meditation (actively analyzing God's ways and His works) and contemplation (resting in His love and receiving whatever God speaks to us.) He said the work of prayer gets us ready for the Lord to speak. It doesn't mean that He always will, but we will be ready when He does. He gave the image of volleyball players - they have to be actively waiting and ready to receive the serve. It might come their way, or it might not. But it's their job to be ready. And prayer gets us ready.

He suggested that we not get caught up in "accomplishing" prayer that we miss the Lord speaking to us. The prayer time isn't ours, it's His.

Fr. J explained that St. Joseph was a righteous and holy man. He had already developed a strong prayer life and he was doing the reasonable thing when he agreed to divorce Mary quietly. He had meditated and come to this conclusion. Yet because of his contemplation he allowed God to reveal something different. God's will was for Joseph to take Mary into his home, to marry her and to be the father of Jesus.

This first lesson impacted me the most. I was really struck by these reflections and I'm still trying to unpack them. Fr. J asked us to choose one of the lessons to reflect on after the retreat and this is it for me.

2. Obedience: simply, our will should always conform to the will of God. We don't obey Him blindly, but out of love. We love God by following His commands. And we will begin to think like Him the more we follow Him. Beautiful!

3. Compassion: literally means "to suffer with." Joseph and Mary were in this together, completely. Joseph takes on this challenge and burden along with Mary and Jesus. At the Presentation they learn that they will suffer along with Jesus, and Joseph accepts this without question.

4. Humility/Meekness: Fr. J connected this lesson to prayer (#1.) He reminded us that St. Joseph is often associated with humility - but not simply because he was quiet. (He speaks no words in Scripture.) Obviously it's humbling to be in the same family with Jesus and Mary! But the definition of humility that we discussed was "knowing that we are not God and that He alone is in charge." It refers to submission to the will of God. Joseph did this very well. He listened to the Lord speaking to him in dreams and through angels. And everytime he did what God asked of him.

5. Chastity: Fr. J connected this lesson to obedience (#2.) And yet he cautioned us to not think about chastity as celibacy out of blind obedience. This is not the case with Joseph. Chastity is an act of love; it is how we love.

Every vocation (priest, married, single, religious) is called to live chastity according to their state in life. Priests are like Christ, they love inclusively - all people the same way. Married people love exclusively - spouses are called to love each other and their children differently than other people.

So Joseph had a particular call, a higher and more heroic call to chastity - celibacy within marriage. By doing this Joseph and Mary can love inclusively. They open up their love and their family to all people. Mary can be our Mother too because of this inclusive love.

6. Transcendent Cause: our life is not about just ourselves, we must give ourselves to something greater. Fr. J connected this lesson to compassion (#3.) While married people love their spouses and children exclusively, they are still called to find a cause that transcends their own household. And by cause he wasn't refering to one charity that interests you. But rather Jesus' mission as our cause.

Joseph did this very well. He participated in Jesus' mission and made this his goal in life. We are called to do the same. The universal call to holiness is not simply the idea that all people should live holy lives through their vocation. Our call to holiness is not for our own sake, but for the sake of others. We are all called to evangelization for the salvation of the world. Wow.

Fr. J talked about this idea of the care of souls. First and foremost everyone has the responsibility to care for their own soul and get to heaven. Secondly we have the responsibility to care for the souls of others. How well have we helped others attain holiness? Some have more responsibility than others: spouses (to each other), parents (to their children), Godparents (to their Godchildren), priests (to their parish), bishops (to their diocese), and the popes (for the entire world!) He reminded us of the importance of praying for priests, bishops and the pope because they have such an incredible spiritual responsibility to care for souls.

I know that I have written a novel here but I was so inspired by EVERYTHING Fr. J said and thought you would enjoy reading about it too. I am still trying to meditate on all these reflections. I am drawn even more to St. Joseph and his intercession.

St. Joseph, pray for us!

Pictures

Here are a few pictures from our Christmas in California. These are long overdue! I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things over here. :)

Me and my best friend

Breakfast with some lovely ladies!

Our family tradition is that the cousins make pizza on Christmas Eve!

Christmas morning

My favorite Christmas gift - a USC snuggie!

Me and my dad

At my parents cabin

My hubby, me, brother and sister-in-law

My brother's dog Chelsea in the snow

Crystal Cove (Newport Beach)

Fun lunch with my mom at The Beachcomber

Beautiful Readings

The readings during Mass yesterday were so beautiful and they really struck me. (I meant to post about this yesterday, but as often happens the day got away from me.) My friend Julia's blog gives a great reflection on these readings as well. She is a great woman of faith and has been such a source of encouragement to me lately! You can check it out here if you'd like.

The first reading every day this week has been from 1 John. This beautiful letter is all about God's love for us. The part that most spoke to me was, "God is love... there is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear." I so needed to hear this! I have been struggling with fear in my spiritual journey - fear that I won't like God's plans, fear that I'm always going to be childless, etc.

My head knows that with God there is nothing to fear, and yet my heart is still afraid. And obviously it's hard to have a good relationship with someone if you're afraid of them or what they might do! The priest brought up this point during his homily. Can you imagine what kind of relationship I would have with my husband if I was afraid of him? The same is true with God. He loves me more than I could imagine and He wants nothing but my happiness - true, eternal happiness - not just the fleeting pleasures of this life.

The theme of the Gospel passage goes right along with the first reading. The apostles see Jesus walking on water and were terrified so Jesus says, "Take courage, it is I, do not be afraid." Again, the Lord is telling us not to fear. Even when times are confusing, difficult, scary, and painful. We must continue to trust in Him.

Fear is not of God. I am convinced that the devil uses fear to turn us away from God. In the moments when I am struggling to trust I need to remember these basic truths: God is love. In love there is no fear.

Yesterday's Magnificat reflection by Fr. John Tauler, OP highlights this point. He says, "The demon will leave all else, if only he can unsettle your confidence... genuine love is confidence in God's love during the time of desolation of spirit." He goes on to say that we need to enter our inmost soul where God's grace awaits us. If we continue to resist this inner voice, one day we will cease to hear it.

There have been many times when I was afraid of this inner voice. I was afraid of silence, and quiet prayer, and even letting myself go during adoration because I didn't want to hear what the Lord has to say. I was too afraid that I wouldn't like His plan. How ridiculous is that? Over the past couple of months I have relished my quiet prayer and the words the Lord has spoken to me. He has reminded me of His love. He loves me more than I could ever imagine or repay. How could I not trust in His plans for my life?

Updates

I don't have much to report, but I do have a few updates. I emailed our adoption social worker yesterday to inquire about our homestudy. (I'm sure she's tired of me checking in!!) But I can't help it. I really want to keep this process moving! Anyways, she said that the reviewers at the agency just finished looking at it and we should receive an email copy in a few days. I'll be very curious to read it. Hopefully everything looks great and we can begin working on our profile.

Currently I'm on cycle day 6. I'm still taking Tamoxifen this cycle, although every morning when I'm taking my pills I think to myself, "What's the point? What is this really doing for me?" I honestly don't know what, if anything, they are doing for me. If I remember correctly my hormones are looking great. I took Endometrin again last cycle and my cycle lasted 26 days. At least that's on the longer end for me. After all these years I still don't know why we're not conceiving. I will have bloodwork done again this cycle just in case it reveals something.

I am looking forward to my appointment with Dr. S in March, but it looks like I will have to pay out of pocket. I'm still trying to sort out the insurance details, but even if I have to pay I think I will still go forward with the appointment. I spoke with the woman at the office yesterday and she said to plan on being there for 2 - 2 1/2 hours! It will be nice to have a fresh set of eyes on my entire set of medical records. I don't know what we would do if I wanted to continue being treated by him. But I figure I'll start with this and see what he says.

It's strange to be "excited" about a doctor's appointment. And unfortuntely I've been feeling really negative lately. Similar to my thoughts about Tamoxifen, I wonder, "What's the point of seeing a new doctor"? Really, my infertility seems to be a mystery to everyone.

In other news, am praying my heart our for AYWH who is currently driving to go pick up her baby!! I pray that everything goes smoothly for her and that I can meet this little baby girl sometime soon. :)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! It's really hard to believe that 2010 is actually here!

I'm sorry for not posting sooner. I've been in a kind of daze for the past couple of days since I've been back from California. Unfortunately I'm having trouble adjusting to the time difference, which is strange for me. I took the red-eye flight back - which I often do - so I landed at 6am on Thursday morning. My poor hubby had to drive through the snow and ice to get me! I came home and slept until about noon. I think that ideally I should have gotten up sooner... because for the past couple of days I have been up late at night and sleeping in. I need to get back on track before school starts on Monday. My alarm goes off before 5:00am!

Anyways, I often feel out of sorts when I come back from a long trip visiting my family. It takes me a couple of days to get back into the groove. I'm not as emotional as I used to be, but I still need a little time to adjust. Especially since I left the gorgeous 70 degree weather and it's been bitterly cold here in Maryland! I had such an amazing time at home. I was able to catch up with some dear friends and spend wonderful quality time with my family. Everytime I'm home I get nostalgic for the past and for my "old life." Time really flies and I can't believe how old I'm getting and how long I've lived on the east coast. Don't get me wrong - I love my life here! I know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Honestly, it is this experience that gives me hope in my current situation. I never would have dreamed that this would be my life, and yet it's better than I could have imagined. I have to remember that all things work for good for those who love the Lord.

Anyways, being home and catching up with lots of people does make me confront my infertility in a painful way. I can't tell you how many, "Hi! How are you? What's new?" conversations I had. I want nothing more than to have good news, but of course nothing has changed. We talked about adoption in our Christmas letter so people were very interested to hear about that. I don't regret sharing all this with our friends and family, but it can be a difficult conversation to have at times. And of course it's emotional to celebrate another Christmas without a baby. This season, more than any other, is meant for children and families and wonder and joy. It's hard for us infertiles.

To add to all this, I started a new cycle on New Years Day. Oh joy. I was going to say that it's ironic, but actually it seems very appropriate. A new year, but nothing has changed. I had already filled my prescription for Tamoxifen, so I will take it this cycle. I haven't had bloodwork done for a couple of months, so I'm going to call my doctor next week to ask for those orders to be faxed in. I also need to request that copies of my medical records be sent to Dr. S!! My appointment with him is in March, so I'm already starting to look forward to that.

There is so much excitement going on in the blog world! It seems like all of a sudden IF bloggers are getting pregnant or adopting! Praise God for this wonderful news! I am thrilled for all these women and it gives me hope that we will have good news one of these days.

Oh, and I never officially announced that I was praying for Keep Calm and Carry On during Advent. I offered up my daily Masses and Rosaries for her. I prayed that God's will be done in her life and that He would bless their family with new life! Many thanks to Life in Mazes for being my prayer buddy. She is such a faithful woman and I am so grateful for her prayers. I received a lovely gift from her in the mail when I got home. Thank you again!

Now that Christmas and New Years is behind us, my hubby and I are getting serious about our pilgrimage trip in the spring. I know it seems far away, but I'm starting to get excited. My hubby is amazing when it comes to planning the logistics, so I know that he is on top of that. I also want to make sure that we are preparing ourselves spiritually. For Christmas I got a book on St. Bernadette, a movie about her life and a documentary on the miracles of Lourdes. I'm excited to begin preparing my heart for this special trip. I started reading the book of St. Bernadette's writings last night and it is so good. I will have to share some of her quotes, but my hubby is looking at the book right now. :)

I have a lot of mixed emotions about this trip. My heart is so guarded and it's hard for me to hope for a miracle. Is that wrong? I don't doubt that many good things and graces will come from this pilgrimage. I would be so blessed to receive any kind of peace, grace or healing - spiritual, emotional, or physical. My hubby and I were chatting about this today and he was really sweet about it. He said that he feels led to this trip and thinks that we are supposed to go. That is enough for me! No matter what happens I know it will be a powerful experience and a wonderful pilgrimage of faith.

Before we got married, my hubby and I prayed the Total Consecration according to St. Louis Marie de Montfort. I have wanted to pray it again and thought it would be a nice way to prepare for our trip. I looked up the date we leave and thought we could end on that day. Turns out that we leave on March 25th - the Annunciation. It is actually one of the suggested Consecration dates in the book! I thought that was pretty cool.

I had a lot of other thoughts to blog about, but I'll have to write more later. And I will post pictures from our trip too!