Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone! It's really hard to believe that 2010 is actually here!

I'm sorry for not posting sooner. I've been in a kind of daze for the past couple of days since I've been back from California. Unfortunately I'm having trouble adjusting to the time difference, which is strange for me. I took the red-eye flight back - which I often do - so I landed at 6am on Thursday morning. My poor hubby had to drive through the snow and ice to get me! I came home and slept until about noon. I think that ideally I should have gotten up sooner... because for the past couple of days I have been up late at night and sleeping in. I need to get back on track before school starts on Monday. My alarm goes off before 5:00am!

Anyways, I often feel out of sorts when I come back from a long trip visiting my family. It takes me a couple of days to get back into the groove. I'm not as emotional as I used to be, but I still need a little time to adjust. Especially since I left the gorgeous 70 degree weather and it's been bitterly cold here in Maryland! I had such an amazing time at home. I was able to catch up with some dear friends and spend wonderful quality time with my family. Everytime I'm home I get nostalgic for the past and for my "old life." Time really flies and I can't believe how old I'm getting and how long I've lived on the east coast. Don't get me wrong - I love my life here! I know that I am exactly where God wants me to be. Honestly, it is this experience that gives me hope in my current situation. I never would have dreamed that this would be my life, and yet it's better than I could have imagined. I have to remember that all things work for good for those who love the Lord.

Anyways, being home and catching up with lots of people does make me confront my infertility in a painful way. I can't tell you how many, "Hi! How are you? What's new?" conversations I had. I want nothing more than to have good news, but of course nothing has changed. We talked about adoption in our Christmas letter so people were very interested to hear about that. I don't regret sharing all this with our friends and family, but it can be a difficult conversation to have at times. And of course it's emotional to celebrate another Christmas without a baby. This season, more than any other, is meant for children and families and wonder and joy. It's hard for us infertiles.

To add to all this, I started a new cycle on New Years Day. Oh joy. I was going to say that it's ironic, but actually it seems very appropriate. A new year, but nothing has changed. I had already filled my prescription for Tamoxifen, so I will take it this cycle. I haven't had bloodwork done for a couple of months, so I'm going to call my doctor next week to ask for those orders to be faxed in. I also need to request that copies of my medical records be sent to Dr. S!! My appointment with him is in March, so I'm already starting to look forward to that.

There is so much excitement going on in the blog world! It seems like all of a sudden IF bloggers are getting pregnant or adopting! Praise God for this wonderful news! I am thrilled for all these women and it gives me hope that we will have good news one of these days.

Oh, and I never officially announced that I was praying for Keep Calm and Carry On during Advent. I offered up my daily Masses and Rosaries for her. I prayed that God's will be done in her life and that He would bless their family with new life! Many thanks to Life in Mazes for being my prayer buddy. She is such a faithful woman and I am so grateful for her prayers. I received a lovely gift from her in the mail when I got home. Thank you again!

Now that Christmas and New Years is behind us, my hubby and I are getting serious about our pilgrimage trip in the spring. I know it seems far away, but I'm starting to get excited. My hubby is amazing when it comes to planning the logistics, so I know that he is on top of that. I also want to make sure that we are preparing ourselves spiritually. For Christmas I got a book on St. Bernadette, a movie about her life and a documentary on the miracles of Lourdes. I'm excited to begin preparing my heart for this special trip. I started reading the book of St. Bernadette's writings last night and it is so good. I will have to share some of her quotes, but my hubby is looking at the book right now. :)

I have a lot of mixed emotions about this trip. My heart is so guarded and it's hard for me to hope for a miracle. Is that wrong? I don't doubt that many good things and graces will come from this pilgrimage. I would be so blessed to receive any kind of peace, grace or healing - spiritual, emotional, or physical. My hubby and I were chatting about this today and he was really sweet about it. He said that he feels led to this trip and thinks that we are supposed to go. That is enough for me! No matter what happens I know it will be a powerful experience and a wonderful pilgrimage of faith.

Before we got married, my hubby and I prayed the Total Consecration according to St. Louis Marie de Montfort. I have wanted to pray it again and thought it would be a nice way to prepare for our trip. I looked up the date we leave and thought we could end on that day. Turns out that we leave on March 25th - the Annunciation. It is actually one of the suggested Consecration dates in the book! I thought that was pretty cool.

I had a lot of other thoughts to blog about, but I'll have to write more later. And I will post pictures from our trip too!