Blog-iversary and Dinner

Happy Blog-iversary to me! One year ago today I started this blog. How is that possible? Instead of dwelling on the fact that another year went by without a baby, I am going to focus on the INCREDIBLE amout of love, support, encouragement, and friendship I have been blessed with. Truly, I give thanks and praise to God for this blessing. You all have been a huge source of comfort to me and I am so blessed with your gift of friendship. I have met some amazing and faithful women and you have all touched my life deeply.

My fabulous dinner last night was a perfect celebration of my blog-iversary! Well, really it had nothing to do with that... but I found the timing perfect! Sew was in town for her sister's Confirmation and it was a great chance for some of us to get together.

Seriously, you ladies are wonderful. I am so lucky that I've been able to meet so many of you in person. I said the same thing about the coffee-get-together last month, but it truly breaks my heart to look around the table and know that you are walking this same difficult road as me.

We went to a lovely restaurant and had some yummy dinner and drinks. (They even had a gluten-free menu for those who needed it!) Perhaps the funniest part of the night was when we were seated. As we were sitting down the waitress asked, "So ladies, are we celebrating anything special tonight?" We all just laughed out loud and no one responded right away. Finally the waitress said, "Just celebrating that it's Friday?" Um, yeah, something like that. :)

I could have stayed all night talking to these women... if it weren't for the pesky server making it obvious that we needed to leave! Of course we discussed infertility and faith. But I also found myself asking some basic questions like, "Now where do you live again? Where did you grow up?" It's amazing how deeply we know one another, and yet in some ways we don't. Our relationship to one another is very unique. Even if we don't know some of the basic facts, we do know what is in the depths of each other's hearts. We have a bond and a connection that is very deep.

Here is a picture of us. Thank you ladies for a fabulous evening!

Here we go again

Yesterday I picked up my Tamoxifen prescription and ordered my HCG injection from Freedom Pharmacy. It's hard to explain how I feel about my cycles these days. I really don't have much hope or expectations for conceiving - which I'm 100% sure is a result of me trying to protect my heart. I've developed this attitude of, "Oh well, who cares, I know it's not going to happen, what does it matter if I try something new?"

When I went to pick up my Tamoxifen last night it wasn't ready and the pharmacist said there was a problem with the order. She called Tepeyac but it was 4:45pm so no one picked up. In the past I would have freaked out, especially since it was already the evening of Day 3, so I needed to take it ASAP. My first thought was, "Oh well, I guess I'll just skip it this cycle." But it turns out that I had a refill from an old prescription, so she was able to use that.

I had the same feelings last month when my HCG injection never arrived and I realized it didn't matter because my O day was over Labor Day weekend. It really didn't phase me at all. I've also been meaning to get my bloodwork done on peak+7 for the last 2 cycles and have just been too lazy to get it done. What's the point? Besides keeping track of when my cycle begins and when I ovulate, I have pretty much stopped charting as well.

I can't tell if this is a good approach - somewhat of a "let go and let God" attitude. Or if I am just being negative and pessimistic and lazy. I think more than anything I am just tired. I'm so over it. I feel as if I've been grasping at straws for so long now.

As I mentioned, I ordered another HCG injection for this cycle, so I am looking forward to giving that a shot. ;) Despite everything I've just said about my current attitude, deep down I do hope that trying something new will work. It looks like my O day will be on a Friday, so I already scheduled my sonogram with Dr. L for that morning. Hopefully it's the right day, otherwise I'll be out of luck again because of the weekend.

I am really looking forward to my dinner plans on Friday night!! Sew is going to be in town so we are meeting up for dinner with a few other gals. I can't wait to meet in-real-life Sew, along with the other ladies who can make it. I know that Call Me Mama will be there and I think Fertile Thoughts and Finding Joy in Every Journey are also coming!

New Cycle

Things have gotten pretty busy around here for me. Thankfully I survived the camping trip with my students. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I actually volunteered to go on the trip. I've done it for the past three years and I really don't mind it. My hubby and I love to camp and hike and do things outdoors. But of course it's always different when it involves sixty 5th and 6th graders! Overall everything went really well - considering that in years past we have had to send kids home because of injuries, fighting and homesickness. This year was pretty mellow. Our only trouble was the weather. It was pretty chilly and rainy. Unfortunately the worst weather was on our rafting day. It's not quite as exciting to jump in the river when it's 62 degrees and raining. But we did it and the kids had a blast. My shower on Friday night was so amazing after all that time outside.

Yesterday we had friends over to watch football. We had a great time with our friends, but both USC and Nebraska lost heart-breaking games. I can't really talk about it... we were both really bummed out. I did use my Nebraska-shaped cookie cutter, which I don't always have the opportunity to do. Here are the cookies I made!


To add to the disappointment I started a new cycle last night. Oh joy. I knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any easier. I will call Dr. L tomorrow to see about my Tamoxifen prescription and to see about trying the HCG trigger shot since it didn't work out last time. I don't even know what to say anymore about my cycles. I almost feel numb. I don't really have any expectations and therefore I'm not surprised when I get my period. I guess it's a way to protect my heart - in a way I pretend that I don't really care, when obviously I do. It's depressing to realize how the time continues to fly by. There are things that I am looking forward to... my birthday party next month, we've already made our Thanksgiving and Christmas plans with family, our trip in the spring, etc. But it saddens me to think that most likely, our situation won't have changed at all. We are moving along with the adoption paperwork - just a few things left to complete. But that is also a disheartening subject considering the long expected wait.

I started a new book today on the Discernments of Spirits. So far it has been really good. I hope that I can stick with it and that it will help me. It's based on the writings of St. Ignatius of Loyola and the goal is to help you distinguish between what is from God and what is not. I definitely could use some help with that. I will keep you posted!

Oh, and last but not least this week is my one-year blog anniversary! I will have to think of something good for that post. I am so thankful for you all and you continue to be in my daily prayers.

Football and Camping

My hubby and I had an AWESOME time at the football game last weekend! The game itself was one for the record books - USC came from behind to score in the final minute to win the game. I couldn't believe it! I had pretty much given up and thought we would lose. I was really impressed with our new freshman quarterback that he was able to put together an amazing game-winning drive.

It was great to experience Columbus and Ohio Stadium. The OSU fans were amazing - they stood and cheered the entire game. They were so loud, my ears actually hurt! I loved the atmosphere of 100,000 fans going crazy for their team. Here are a few pics.

Me and hubby behind the ESPN GameDay stage. The camera panned us a couple of times, but we didn't got on TV.

My mom, me, hubby and my dad outside the stadium.

Me and Brutus, the Buckeye.

Me and hubby in the stadium before the game.


I will have to write more later, because I'm going camping today with our 5th and 6th grade students. Pray for us because it's supposed to rain. I go on this trip every year and for the most part it is a lot of fun. Today we are hiking, tomorrow we are rafting on the Potomac River and Friday we do the ropes course. The worst part is no showers... hopefully I can survive until Friday night!

Things I'm Looking Forward To

I am officially back to school! It feels good to get back into my routine. Although I think it's going to take a couple of days for me to get back into teacher-mode... getting used to standing and talking all day. It's tiring! I share the same sentiments that many other teacher bloggers have posted about. It's exciting to have the fresh start of a new year. But on the other hand, it's depressing to realize that another year has started and I am still infertile. Still no baby. Still teaching when I thought I'd be staying home. I am trying to have a better attitude about it all. My hope is to live in the present without dwelling too much on the past or the future. I'm trying to realize that God is calling me to do His will and to serve Him one day at a time.

We've got some fun things coming up that I am looking forward to, so I am trying to focus on those. As I mentioned we're taking a quick road trip to Columbus this weekend for the USC - Ohio State game. I'm so glad that everything worked out! We didn't have tickets until a couple of days ago, even though we booked our hotel many, many months ago. My hubby and I love college football and we don't get to go to many games since our schools are so far away. I'm excited to see Columbus and their stadium, it's supposed to be an awesome place.

I'm also looking forward to watching football this season in our newly-renovated family room! It's usually feast or famine with us in terms of working on the house. We decided it was time to upgrade our family room since we spend so much time down there. We finally got a flat screen HDTV, surround-sound speaker system and a blu-ray. It's perfect for watching football and movies, both of which we do a lot. My hubby has been dying for more comfortable furniture, so we got a leather, reclining couch and love seat. And then we got some cute IKEA furniture to complement everything - TV stand, desk, side tables and coffee table. I will take a picture once we have something on the mantle and the walls. I'm really pleased with how the room turned out. It makes me so happy just to walk downstairs!

Next month I'm having a significant birthday - turning the big 3-0. I told my hubby last year that I'd really like a party. So he took my idea and ran with it. He's been so cute and has been working really hard to plan a nice party. It's turning out to be a much bigger deal than I imagined. I'm getting really excited! My school has a beautiful multi-purpose room with floor-to-ceiling windows that look out into the woods, so we're going to have it there. We're going to have Mexican food, a margarita machine and some fun party favors. My parents are even coming from California! I think this will help me have a positive attitude about entering a new decade.

Lastly, I am looking forward to a special trip we're planning for the spring. My hubby and I have been wanting to make a pilgrimage for awhile now. Being a teacher it's hard to plan trips because I'm pretty limited on times I can travel and our summer fills up with trips to see family. There are so many holy and beautiful places to make a pilgrimage, it's been hard to decide on where to go. Once everything is confirmed I will share all the details! I'm hoping to find some peace, healing and spiritual rejuvenation from this trip.

Updates

So, where do I begin? I have a lot of updates to post!

I am out of luck for the HCG shot this cycle. Looks like this idea will have to wait until next time. Two problems occured... Freedom Pharmacy's entire shipment last night (approximately 200 packages) got returned to them this morning. My shot was supposed to be delivered this morning, but because of the shipping problem and the holiday the earliest it can arrive now is Wednesday. The other problem is that I used an O-stick today and I'm already seeing a faint line. This means I'm starting to see my LH surge, but Dr. L can't do a sono and give me the shot until Tuesday. I hate it when I really need to see my doctor and it's the weekend! My body doesn't pay attention to the day of the week.

Yesterday I had my appointment with Dr. B. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I couldn't help but notice that two other patients in the waiting room were pregnant girls with their mothers. I couldn't believe it. It was the strangest feeling to be sitting across the room from them. I can't really explain what I felt. Honestly, the first thought that crossed my mind was to go up to them and ask if they have considered adoption. (Thankfully I didn't, that would be awkward!) I have never seen or noticed pregnant girls in the office before, and yesterday there were two! I found it pretty ironic considering that I was meeting with Dr. B for my adoption paperwork. I think it brought out emotions in me because I know that adopting couples have to wait so long. I know that our chances of adopting are more likely to happen with our own networking instead of using an agency. Does networking include going up to pregnant strangers in your doctor's office???

My eavesdropping skills really paid off yesterday. In addition to noticing the pregnant girls, I happened to overhear that the phlebotomist would be leaving soon. Part of my appointment included an HIV test and TB test, so I inquired about getting that done. Thankfully I did - otherwise I would have been out of luck! I had my blood drawn before I met with Dr. B.

Once I actually met with Dr. B I had a great appointment. He is truly such an amazing man. He walked in and said, "So, we're adopting, huh? Did you know it's step #5 on the infertility treatment plan? It's goes nicely with Tamoxifen." I actually laughed at that one. It was cute how he said it.

He quickly went through the paperwork and gave me a nice recommendation. I confessed that I had another reason for meeting with him and told him about the Infertility Support Group. He said he would be honored to speak with us and that he would love to come more than once if possible. I told him that I knew the Richmond ladies and what a great time they had with him. He was so interested to hear more about our blogs and our online community. He brought up AYWH and said, "She's great, she's going to help me start a blog." Ha ha... I had to laugh. He's probably way too busy to read blogs much less to have his own. But I commend him for trying. He knows that God has entrusted him with a mission and he is trying to serve his wide range of patients.

I told him about the girls I saw in the waiting room and asked if he ever counseled patients towards adoption. He said that they treat a lot of un-wed mothers and always bring up adoption. Apparently he has arranged a couple of adoptions in his career, but not many. He said they usually happen when you're not trying. And of course when you're trying, it doesn't happen. He said it's something they would love to do in their office and they have thought about the logistics involved. (Legally, all they can do is refer women/couples to an adoption lawyer.)

Lastly I asked him for a referral for my husband since he also needs a physician's recommendation for adoption. Dr. B said my husband could come to him! How crazy is that? So my hubby might see an OB-Gyn in the near future. The things you do for adoption.

This morning I met with a priest friend - Msgr. P - who used to be my spiritual director. He is so amazing, but also a very busy guy. It can be hard to meet up with him because of his schedule. He is so talented at spiritual direction, which I'm sure is part of the reason that he is so busy. He knows just what to ask and how to push me in the right direction. It ended up being pretty intense and emotional for me and I'm still processing a lot of what we discussed this morning. I will have to post more later once I sort through it all.

On a lighter note, I'm SO EXCITED that football season is here! My USC Trojans had an awesome opening game this afternoon. I think my hubby and I were able to find tickets for the game next weekend against Ohio State. We weren't sure if it was going to happen or not, but it looks like we'll be road-tripping to Columbus next Friday. My parents will also be there (from California), so it should be a great time!

Moving Ahead

Thanks for all your comments and advice about the HCG shot. I called Freedom Pharmacy today and hopefully my doctor's office faxed in the prescription. I never heard back from the nurses, so I'm crossing my fingers they sent it in. Whew, thankfully I can get the shot this way. And they send it directly to my house. So nice! Hopefully the timing lines up with my ovulation. The woman said something about a delay because of the long weekend.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. B for our adoption homestudy paperwork. I decided to meet with him since I haven't seen him for about a year. I'm curious to hear if he has any insight into my current situation. Also I want to invite him to speak to our Infertility Support Group! He is such a kind and caring man. I know that he enjoyed his time with the Richmond ladies, so I'm hoping he is able to meet with us.

I did a lot of running around today. We had our fire inspection in the morning. The big fire engine pulled up to our house and I wondered what all the neighbors were thinking! Three firemen came in and checked out the house. Thankfully everything looked good and we passed. Even though we have a ton of smoke detectors around the house, they decided to add one more. My hubby was not pleased when he came home! I think he's going to take it down. Oops, I guess I could have said no since we didn't really need it.

We also got our fingerprints done tonight. It feels good to keep moving forward with all these steps. Although I'm getting tired of paying for everything... it's really starting to add up. Our social worker told us that we will have to take one all-day class in order to be homestudy approved. And it's going to cost $250 for both of us to attend! I would think that the agency would at least cover this since they are the ones who put on the class.

Anyways, the other exciting news for today is that our new TV arrived! We've been working on our family room and it's really starting to come together. It arrived just in time for football season. We are so excited to spend the long weekend at home watching football!

HCG shortage?

So I'm having trouble getting my HCG shot! Are there many different kinds? No pharmacies in the DC area have my prescription. Right now I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor's office to see if they can get it for me.

Anyone else have trouble getting their HCG shot?