Thanksgiving

We have had a wonderful and relaxing Thanksgiving weekend. It's been so great to stay home and host my in-laws. I was a little crazy last weekend before they arrived - trying to get everything together. But once they got here on Tuesday night it's been so great and relaxing.

Wednesday I did some cooking and baking to be ready for our Thanksgiving feast. That night we saw "Jersey Boys" downtown at the National Theater. It was so good! I usually prefer the more classical shows and I thought that this would be a concert without any storyline. But they did a great job of telling the story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, in addition to have all the great songs. The cast was really talented.
Thursday we got the turkey in the oven early and had our feast around 2:00pm. We kept everything pretty simple - but had all the yummy fixings. I was really pleased with how everything turned out! Everyone took a nap afterwards, watched some football and later that night we watched a movie. It was perfect!

Enjoying some appetizers
Thanksgiving dinner
Friday I did a little shopping with my mother-in-law. We didn't go super early and just went to a few stores, so that was nice. Mostly we were shopping for my Christmas gift. My hubby and I are still trying to finish decorating our family room and we needed some things for the mantel. We found a mirror and these beautiful pillar-candle holders. It was just what I wanted! Later we had friends over to watch the Nebraska game.

This afternoon we're going to the movies and tonight we will watch the USC game. It's been such a great, relaxing weekend!! I'm trying to enjoy it all because it's going to be a crazy three weeks until Christmas break.

Pre-Op Appointment

I had my pre-op appointment with Dr. L this morning. Actually, I should say I had my appointment with Dr. C. (L is her first initial and C is her last initial.) When I signed in at the front desk they informed me that she prefers to be called Dr. C and not Dr. L. I heard them say this to other patients who arrived, so I guess they are trying to spread the word. It's not that big of a deal, but I find it strange that after two years in the office she is now making a point about this!

Anyways, my appointment was pretty straight forward. She did an exam and talked about the procedure. I had to sign the consent forms and tomorrow I will talk to the hospital nurse about the logistics. The surgery is a week from tomorrow and I will be glad to get the polyp removed. I'm not sure if any changes will come from this, but I can hope.

While I was in the office they offered the H1N1 vaccine. I was pleasantly surprised and decided to get it. I keep hearing about how difficult it is to find, so I took advantage of the opportunity.

Unfortunately this appointment took up MUCH more of my day than I had expected. The office was super crowded. Since I had arrived a little early, I spent about 1 1/2 hours total in the office. Then I hit really bad traffic and it took over an hour to get back to school. I missed one of my classes, was late to our special Thanksgiving lunch and overall felt flustered for the rest of the day.

It's moments like these when I am SO OVER infertility. Why must I spend so much of my life running around to doctor's appointments? I wish I could calculate how many hours and miles I have spent going to the office. I'm sure it would be a TON!

Tomorrow will be a busy day at school, but then I will be off for the week. My in-laws arrive in the evening and will be here for the long weekend. I've been frantically trying to get my house in order, and for the most part I think it's ready. I'm looking forward to some rest and relaxation this week.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!

Amazing Morning

The talk this morning with Dr. B and Dr. L was wonderful!

We had advertised this event in all the parishes of the archdiocese. My intention was to reach infertile couples, so I was surprised at the number of other people who attended the talk as well. It turned out to be a great group with a variety of perspectives on this issue.

There were twenty-four of us in total - women from the DC support group, husbands, friends, two priests, a Creighton practitioner, another physician (who is trained in the Creighton model,) and pro-life Catholics who were just interested in the topic.

Dr. B started by having everyone introduce themselves and briefly explain their infertility history. He had prepared a nice powerpoint presentation, but unfortunately he had to rush through most of it. We started a bit late and it took awhile to go around the room. I think it was good to start that way, but unfortunately it cut into the main presentation time. (And he had to leave at 11:15.)

Dr. B briefly introduced himself and his practice, talked about the culture of OB-Gyn medicine in our world today and why Catholics need to do a better job of promoting our beliefs - especially in the medical field. He talked about the main causes of infertility and options for treatment. He really tried to gear his talk to the needs of the infertile couples present, so he left plenty of time for questions and answers. He recognized the great need for support and truly seemed happy to be with us.

Dr. L chimed in once in awhile, answered some questions and gave her perspective. I'm not exactly sure why Dr. B invited her to come. He mentioned that they don't usually do speaking engagements together, so maybe he is trying to do more of that. Before the talk began she told me that her flight from Chicago was delayed and she didn't get home until 2:00am this morning! It was so kind of her to join us.

After Dr. B and Dr. L left I put in a plug for our support group. We ended up having a nice discussion about the need for support and good treatment. The priests asked us how they could be more pastoral to couples going through infertility. I only wish EVERY priest were there to hear our responses! It was a beautiful conversation. We got off on a bit of a tangent talking about IVF towards the end, but we closed with a lovely prayer in which people shared their intentions.

At one point during our conversation we were talking about infertility as a kind of grief and mourning. One woman (not infertile) said something about how we shouldn't mourn anything yet because our chances are so good for conceiving. My friend M responded with a heartfelt perspective on how difficult this road has already been for us - no matter if or when we conceive. She was crying while she spoke and the rest of us infertile women had tears in our eyes too. It was such a poignant moment in which our suffering and grief was tangible. Everyone was quiet for a moment and we were united in our silent tears. Even though we barely know each other, we are deeply connected through our common experience.

I was so overwhelmed by the whole morning. I was pleased that it came together, I was saddened to think about all the other couples struggling to conceive, I was frustrated to think about the poor medical care that so many couples are receiving and yet I was excited about the community that we are forming. I was emotional to say the least.

I hope and pray that our group can get together again soon!

Five Years Ago Today...

Five years ago today... my dear sweet husband proposed to me! It seems like it was just yesterday. Where does the time go?

Although it wasn't a complete surprise, it was a romantic night that I will remember for the rest of my life! The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts has always been a special place to us... we spent lots of time there while we were just "friends" and dating. Not only do we love theater, but the building itself is beautiful. It sits right on the Potomac River and the rooftop has this incredible view of downtown DC, the monuments, Georgetown and Arlington.

He took me to the rooftop, gave this incredibly romantic speech and then got down on one knee. (He claims that I made him stay down there forever - but I don't remember it that way!) I immediately said yes and of course I was crying. We had an amazing dinner at the fancy rooftop restaurant. It was perfect!

The reason it wasn't a surprise is mostly due to logistics. I am very traditional and it was important to me that my husband talk to my parents before he proposed. Since they live in California, we had to schedule a trip out there. We spent a whirlwind weekend there - it began with him talking to my parents and ended with us scoping out reception sites. :) It all came together perfectly.

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful partner in life. My husband is a man of character and virtue, he is faithful and kind, he is loving and sensitive, he provides for me and takes care of me, and I love being married to him. We enjoy each other's company no matter what we're doing. He always takes me on adventures and I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together! Thank you honey for being such a wonderful husband. Thank you God for bringing him to me.

St. Joseph

Yesterday I led our faculty prayer group in an Advent reflection on St. Joseph. I know Advent isn't here quite yet, but this was one of the only dates we could schedule.

I haven't had much of a devotion to St. Joseph before, but I felt drawn to him this week. I realized that poor St. Joseph often gets forgotten. Of course when your family includes Mary and Jesus, you can see how that would happen! I received a beautiful book on St. Joseph for my birthday and I used it in our prayer group. It tells the story of St. Joseph and describes many devotions and prayers to him.

I also found this great video reflection. I thought you might enjoy watching it.


St. Joseph, pray for us.

St. Elizabeth of Hungary

After following Sew's recommendation of this blog, I was given St. Elizabeth of Hungary as my patron saint for 2010. Today is her feast day, so I looked up a bit of information about her.

She was born in 1207 and was the daughter of the King of Hungary. She married young and had three children. Unfortunately her husband died after six years of marriage and his family kicked her out of the castle. They didn't like her because she was always giving money to the poor.

She is known for not complaining about her sufferings; she accepted the sorrows just as she had accepted joys from God. I am hoping that she will help me do the same by praying to her!

She died young - at the age of 24 - and she is the patron saint of bakers. (And I love to bake!)

I found this little reflection about her:
Elizabeth understood well the lesson Jesus taught when he washed his disciples' feet at the Last Supper: The Christian must be one who serves the humblest needs of others, even if one serves from an exalted position. Of royal blood, Elizabeth could have lorded it over her subjects. Yet she served them with such a loving heart that her brief life won for her a special place in the hearts of many.
Elizabeth is also an example to us in her following the guidance of a spiritual director. Growth in the spiritual life is a difficult process. We can play games very easily if we don't have someone to challenge us or to share experiences so as to help us avoid pitfalls.

St. Elizabeth, pray for me.

In other news, I've been emailing with Dr. B today to confirm all the plans for Saturday. It turns out that he's bringing Dr. L with him too! I really hope that we get a good turnout. In his email to me today he said, "You rock, and you are a vehicle for healing." Ha ha... I had to laugh at that!

Weekend Update

Do any of you watch Saturday Night Live? The title of my post makes me think about the hilarious Weekend Update segment - it's my favorite part of SNL!

I'll start with the bad news first. My team lost this weekend. REALLY badly. Ugh, it was so ugly. I'm sad to admit how much this affects me - but it does! So I was pretty upset about that all weekend.

But besides football, I had a good weekend overall. It started with our social worker visit on Friday night. It seemed less "intense" to me than the first one, probably because we've been through it once before. She started by interviewing one of our references (thanks L!) I haven't chatted with my friend since the interview, but I intend to pry her for details! Ha ha. It probably lasted about 15 minutes. Then she interviewed my husband and I separately.

Thankfully the social worker had given us a questionnaire to fill out before the interview. It really helped us formulate our thoughts and it helped the social worker direct her questions. Mostly she asked about my family life growing up, about our marriage, and about my work. It was pretty straight forward. I did tear up when she asked me to talk about my husband. I couldn't help it! She asked me why I love him and what kind of dad he will be. It was overwhelming to try and put those feelings into words. Everything I said seemed trivial compared to the depth of my feelings. I am so, so blessed to be married to this man. I cannot thank God enough for the gift of our marriage. Our journey of infertility has taught me that no matter what happens in terms of having children, I will be so lucky to spend my life with my husband. (Ok, so apparently I can't even get through this post without crying!)

Before the social worker left she asked if we had any questions. Of course I immediately asked, "How long until our homestudy is complete?" Unfortunately it's still not very clear, but it probably won't be before January. We couldn't schedule our next (and last) home visit until Friday, December 4th. After that she will begin writing our homestudy. Then she submits it to the agency for review. Then we get to review it. And after all that it will be finalized. Given the holidays and everything, I can't imagine all of that will happen in 2009, but I'm actually ok with that.

I have been given a peace recently that I really need to surrender. Let go and let God. Truly, there is nothing else that I can do. Whether it's infertility or adoption, it is all out of my hands. We can do our part, but afterwards we must let go. It's taken me a lot to get to this point. My head knew this was the answer all along, but convincing my heart is always another matter. Watching other people's stories unfold has taught me that we just never know how God is going to work. And ultimately I really do want to do His will. I do trust that His plans are better than mine. Now don't get me wrong, a little part of me still dies on the inside when I see a pregnant belly or a nursing mother. But I'm in a much better place to deal with those feelings than I used to be.

I have to give a lot of credit to my spiritual director, Msgr P. I have met with him twice in the past couple of months and he has really helped me move forward with my spiritual life. (He was my spiritual director many years ago, he led me and my hubby through our marriage prep and he even flew to California for our wedding. We've kept in touch over the years, but I haven't met with him regularly until now.) It really helps that I've know him for awhile and I feel like he really knows me. Also, he is really gifted at direction. Because of this he is a VERY busy man. I mean really busy. It's hard to schedule with him and almost every time we meet he is late. But I got to a point where I realized that he is worth it. He really is. He gets me and he knows how to direct me, and I'm in a place right now where I really need that.

During our meeting on Saturday morning we talked about Discernment of Spirits. I have been reading a great book on that subject, so it was helpful to talk it through with him. The book is almost like a text book, so now I need to actually put into practice everything I've been learning.

We started our meeting with confession, which was great. I hadn't been in about three months and I knew that I needed it. My penance was to pray the Memorare. He suggested that I start praying that prayer every day. It's funny because I still have it memorized from when I was little, but I can't tell you the last time I prayed it. He suggested it because first, he believe so strongly in the power of Our Lady and second, the prayer speaks about our confidence in her intercession. I will put it at the bottom of this post in case you're interested.

We discussed how distracted I have been in prayer. And while distraction is common for all people, I have been really distracted. I have kept up my daily prayer routines, but I haven't really been present. Msgr P immediately pointed out that the heart of my problem is fear. I am afraid to be fully present or to listen to God because I am afraid of what He might say. He is so right! He told me, "You need to be like Our Lady, you have to suck it up and meet Him at the cross." Ha ha... that is an exact quote!

He went on to describe the scene from the Passion of the Christ when Mary sees Jesus carrying the cross. She is full of sorrow and doesn't want to see Him in such pain. So it takes all her strength to go meet Him at the cross, and Jesus says to her, "See Mother, I make all things knew."

We decided that I'm going to start small. After morning Mass I'm going to spend 10-15 minutes reflecting on the Gospel. I'm going to simply acknowledge my thoughts, feelings and desires while reflecting. Where did my heart rest? And then relate it to Jesus. Talk to Him. It seems so simple, but it is a big step for me because of how distracted I have been lately.

Oh, and the last thing he told me was to take a break from thinking about infertility. Now obviously that is pretty much impossible! But he suggested that I just live my life, live in the present, and enjoy the holidays without being consumed by my infertility. I'm really going to try and make this happen.

I had to laugh because as I was driving away from the church, the first thing I saw was a cute pregnant lady walking with her husband. I took this as a little joke from God. :)

Here is the Memorare if you're interested in praying it:

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known
that anyone who fled to thy protection,
implored thy help,
or sought thy intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother;
to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions,
but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.

Dr. B's Talk

I'm so glad that the Dr. B talk is really going to happen next weekend! It really didn't take that much work, but it seems like I first had this idea sooooo long ago. I hope and pray that we have a good tur-nout, mostly because I'm hoping to reach other women in our area who need help and support.

If you (or anyone you know) is planning to come, would you please RSVP to me? Either by commenting on this post or by emailing me at jeremiahtwentynineleven@gmail.com.

Also, please send me any topic ideas or questions for Dr. B that you can think of. He asked that I send him a few suggestions.

Thank you so much for your help! The talk begins at 10am at the Archdiocesan Pastoral Center.

Thanksgiving

I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving. My husband's parents will be visiting and it will be great to spend some time with them, and of course have some time away from school. :)

I'm also excited about preparing the big meal! I've done it once before and I was pleased with how everything turned out. For the most part I kept everything simple, but I made the turkey and all the usual fixings.

Does anyone have recipe suggestions for me? I'd love to hear what your family traditions are. What's your favorite side dish? Please let me know if you have any ideas!

Surgery Scheduled

I spoke with the scheduler yesterday and my polyp removal is set for Tuesday, December 1st, almost a year to the date of my laparoscopy. I joked with my husband that I'll be having surgery early December every year. They suggested I take off two days - the day of the procedure and a recovery day in case I need it. I will have a pre-op appointment wit Dr. L on Monday, November 23rd. I hope and pray that this small step will do something to restore my fertility.

Today is officially cycle day one. I called the office to see if Dr. L wants me to take Tamoxifen and Endometrin again. I imagine that she will want me to continue with it this cycle, even though we are all presuming that I won't be pregnant when I have the polyp removed next month. How's that for positive thinking?

In adoption news we are having our second appointment with the social worker this Friday. She will interview one of our references and also interview me and my hubby separately. Hopefully we can hurry up and schedule the last visit where she will inspect the house. I'm ready to be done with this!

More Cycle Updates (updated with numbers)

Well, today is cycle day 28 and peak +14. I can't tell you the last time a cycle lasted this long! I really hope this is a good sign that the Endometrin is working to lengthen my luteal phase. Although I've been feeling my usual PMS symptoms - crampy, bloated, and irritable stomach. I'm sure that AF is on her way.

So here is my question... what good is a "good cycle" if we didn't conceive? Does that question even make sense? I guess I'm wondering how does this cycle help future cycles and potentially help future conception? This is what always confuses me. I guess because I still don't understand which part of getting-pregnant isn't working for us. It's so frustrating.

I was able to get my blood drawn yesterday (peak +13), so hopefully the nurses will call with my results from Friday and Monday.

I spoke with the office yesterday about scheduling my polyp removal. I could have sworn that at my last appointment Dr. L said that it would be a really easy procedure and wouldn't require general anesthesia. It's done hysteroscopically, so no incisions. Although after hearing from others who have had similar procedures done I started to question what I had heard. After speaking with the scheduler she informed me that yes it will require general anesthesia. I guess technically I'm having an HSG and D&C done. I will have to ask for more clarification the next time I meet with Dr. L.

Ironically, they have to confirm that I'm not pregnant before doing this procedure, so it makes it tricky to schedule. It either has to be right after I finish bleeding, or late enough in my cycle to do a pregnancy test. Considering that the holidays are coming up and Dr. L has some travel plans, I'm hoping that we can get it scheduled sooner than later. We tentatively set the date for December 1st. I will keep you posted.

*Update*
The nurses called from Tepeyac with the results from my bloodwork. It is obvious that AF will be arriving soon.

Peak +10
Estradiol - 171
Progesterone - 10.2

Peak +13
Estradiol - 71
Progesterone - 10.3

Updates

Tepeyac called with the results of my bloodwork that was done on peak +8.

Estradiol - 378
Progesterone - 44.3

Everytime the nurses call they say, "Dr. L reviewed the results of your bloodwork and she thinks they are great!" Then I ask, "Do you have the numbers? Would you mind sharing them with me?" It makes me laugh because I often have this same conversation with the same nurse each time. I wonder if most patients don't care about the exact numbers? Then again, how many patients do they have getting peak+ bloodwork done? Besides the other bloggers, of course!

I was able to get it drawn again on Friday, which was peak +10. For some reason it was really difficult to get the order faxed over to the office again. Thankfully I have my peak +11 orders on hand if my cycle lasts until Monday, although that would be peak +13. I can't remember the last time my cycle lasted that long, so I'll just wait and see.

My head has been reeling since hearing GIMH's great news! This is the story that couples waiting to adopt hope for - a call that a baby is born and ready for you right away. The timing of how everything came together was nothing short of a miracle. It helps remind me of the power of prayer and the power of God's grace working in our lives. Their story makes it so clear that this child was meant for them and that everything else was leading up to this moment. I hope that I can cling to this during those times when it seems like we are going nowhere. It gets so hard to trust and hope that our story will someday have this ending too. Please pray that everything goes smoothly for GIMH and their baby boy!

In adoption news for us, we will meet with our social worker again this Friday. I'm waiting to hear back from her which appointment this is - she still needs to interview us separately, inspect the house and meet with our references. I'm not sure how quickly the process moves after the meetings are done. I would love to be approved before 2009 is over. Like always, we will just have to wait and see.

Bloodwork *updated*

I got my bloodwork done this morning - it's peak +8. I'm curious to see the results since I'm taking Endometrin this cycle.

Unfortunately my attempt yesterday to get it done was unsuccessful. Labcorp didn't have the fax from my doctor, so even though I arrived at the lab at 7:00am and was first in line when they opened at 7:30am, it was all a waste of time because they didn't have the order.

Grrr... I am such an impatient person! I was so mad driving to school yesterday knowing that I wouldn't be able to get it done on peak +7. The lab closes at 5:00pm and the faculty prayer group I lead was yesterday from 4-5pm. More than anything, I hate wasting time. I missed morning Mass and missed getting to school at my usual time for nothing.

I hate that IF robs me of so much - not just the big things but many, many little things as well. I'm so over getting my blood taken so often.

That being said, I am very curious about the results this cycle. I guess that's why I cared so much about getting it done yesterday. So here is my question - should I get it done again tomorrow (peak +9) or wait until Friday (peak +10)? Presuming that I make it to peak +11 - which I don't always do, but I'm hoping the progesterone will help - I could get it done that day. (My lab is open on Saturday.) Any advice?

*updated*
I forgot one thing... I'm curious about the polyp removal that I will probably be having sometime in the near future. For those of you who have had a D&C or polyp removal done, what kind of anesthesia is used? Dr. L said that I would not be "under," but now I'm wondering if I will have a local or anything.

This 'n That

I've got a variety of random updates... so I think I'll use bullet points in my post. (Just like Complicated Life has been doing!)

*Yesterday was an awful day for my team, and by now I'm sure you all know how obsessed I am with college football and USC. Oregon beat us soooooo badly. It was an ugly, awful game from the beginning. I hate losing! I'm a little embarassed to admit how much it affects me. But it does. Grrr.

*On a happy note, our DC support group got together for coffee on Saturday morning. It was great! Even though only four of us made it this time, we could have talked for hours and hours. It's so wonderful to find common ground with other women who are going through the same experience. I always walk away feeling encouraged and usually with some good advice too!

*I've been taking the Endometrin now for a few days and I haven't noticed any side-effects. Other than the leaking, of course. I just hope that it will make a difference. I will get my blood drawn this week, so hopefully my numbers look good.

*I'm starting to get a little antsy regarding our homestudy. We turned in the homestudy paperwork 3 weeks ago. Our social worker told us that once we turned everything in, she would be in touch with us about scheduling that last two home visits. I emailed her once when we turned in the paperwork and then again today. I really hope we hear back from her soon so that we can keep this process moving along. I'd love to be homestudy approved by Christmas.

*I have been working with the Director of Family Life for our Archdiocese to plan a talk by Dr. B from Tepeyac. We finally decided on Saturday, November 21. He sent the blurb to all the parishes in our diocese, but apparently it's up to them whether they want to run it or not. I have not seen it in our bulletin yet and I'm worried that no one is going to come! Hopefully the women from our IF support group can all come. I'm going to post the information below. Please pass it along to anyone you know in the DC area who might be interested!

Dr. Bru.chalski speaks about Infertility
On Saturday November 21, 2009 from 10:00 a.m. until 12:00 noon there will be a talk and discussion on infertility issues at the Central Pastoral Administration offices. The talk by Dr. John Bru.chalski, founder of the Tepeyac Family Center will address ways to treat infertility using effective and moral medical means. Discussion of an ongoing support group will also be addressed. For more information or to register please contact the Office of Family Life at flm@adw.org.