Appointment Update

I finally had my much-anticipated doctor's appointment today and I'm not quite sure what to make of it all. I will give you the update and as usual I'd love any feedback you have!

Overall, the appointment was pretty much what I expected, with a surprise examination thrown in for fun. :) (At this point, I guess I should always be prepared for a physical exam, but somehow I'm always caught off guard!) This was my first time meeting Dr. L and she was great. We spoke very briefly about my history and what tests and treatments we've already explored. She mostly agreed with everything that Dr. B has done thus far. She commented on the value of taking Femara and the range of opinions that physicians seem to have on its effectiveness. (Has anyone heard much about this? Potential negative side effects for babies born after the mother has been on it? Just curious...) She mentioned that in addition to Femara and Clomid, she likes using Tamoxifen. Even after I asked her a few questions, I still wasn't able to figure out the difference. She decided it would be good for me to try it for at least a month. Thankfully today was Cycle Day 3 and I hadn't picked up my Femara prescription yet - so I was able to start it today.

Of course the main purpose of the appointment was to discuss and schedule my laparoscopy. She agreed that its time for me to pursue this course, especially since everything else in our fertility is seemingly "good." My hubby is healthy, I'm ovulating, and my hormones seem to be more normal. She was still concerned about my estrogen and progesterone levels, and also my short luteal phase. She thought they could be related to endo, but couldn't be certain.

Thankfully we should be able to schedule the surgery pretty quickly. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the day after Thanksgiving. Her schedule is wide open, the only possible snag is some paperwork. She is still relatively new to the area and hasn't completed all the necessary paperwork with all the insurance companies, including mine. As of this moment, she is not approved by them. But she assured me that she has been working on this for awhile and it should go through at any moment. I really hope this doesn't end up causing a long delay. You just never know when it comes to insurance companies and paperwork!!

She did a physical exam as part of the pre-op preparations... at this point my hubby made a speedy exit out the door! :) She said I would most likely have to come back into her office for one more appointment before the surgery.

So now I'm left with many thoughts, emotions and more WAITING! Waiting, waiting, waiting... I am thanking God it doesn't seem that I'll have to wait too long. I am trying to keep a balanced perspective on things, which is difficult. Sometimes I can't tell what is a rational thought and what isn't. Am I right to hope that this could be the solution I've been waiting for all along??? I can't tell you the last time I actually let my mind wander about being pregnant, having a baby, etc. I have been so guarded that I haven't gone down that road mentally in a loooong time. It's just too painful to go there because I've been disappointed too many times.

Also, it's hard not to think - what if this doesn't work? What if I don't have endo? Or what if she opens me up and finds something else going on? It's the not-knowing that is so difficult. We don't seem to have too many other options left after this. What if we are that couple that everything is just a mystery??

I will continue to hope and pray for patience and for God's will to be done. I was able to swing by adoration for a quick visit on my way home, so that was nice. I am trying my hardest to surrender this whole situation to God and His Divine Providence. I really have connected with the image of God being the artist who is constantly making and molding us. I pray for the faith to trust that I am in good hands.

On a lighter note, I had to kill some time in Target while I was waiting for my prescription to be filled. This can be very dangerous!!! Target is my absolute favorite store and my total weakness... I usually come home with groceries, decorations for the house, a pair of earrings and maybe even a new piece of furniture. My hubby always gets nervous when I'm there for too long. Thankfully I didn't splurge too much today. But I did come home with a bunch of Christmas cards... can you believe it? All the Halloween stuff was gone and they had aisle after aisle of Christmas things. CRAZY! I love, love, love writing Christmas cards... and my one rule is that I won't send non-religious cards. But sometimes it can be hard to find really good ones. I found a couple that I really liked, so I bought two boxes of each. Maybe I will get them all written while I'm recovering over Thanksgiving weekend! :)

Ugh

So I was right... yesterday became Cycle Day 1. Which means my cycle was only 24 days this month!!!! I'm so bummed. I don't understand why it was so short this time. I realize that there are many, many factors at work. But still, my cycles have been nice a "long" for about 6 months now. Oh well, I guess I can bring this up at my doctor's appointment tomorrow!

Magnificat Reflection and Cycle Update

Do any of you subscribe to Magnificat? It's basically a missal that has the daily readings, liturgy of the hours, and daily reflections. I've subscribed for a couple of years now and it makes a nice companion during daily Mass!

Anyway, I was really struck by Monday's reflection. It was written by Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade - the same author of the exerpt I posted earlier from my women's group! I think it's a sign that I really need to get his book. The title of Monday's reflection is "Living According to God's Schedule." He says,

Why do you take pleasure in tormenting yourself, as you do, over the future, when your faith teaches you that the future is in the hands of a Father who is infinitely good, who loves you more than you love yourself and who understands your interests far better than you? Have you forgotten that everything that happens is directed by the orders of divine Providence? If we know this, how can we hesitate to remain in a state of humble submission, in the most trifling as in the greatest events, to all that God wishes or permits? How blind we are when we desire anything other than what God wishes.

I am firmly convinced that we should all be lost if God gave us all our desires, and that is why God, in his mercy and compassion for our blindness, does not always grant our prayers, and sometimes gives us the contrary of what we ask as being in reality better for us.

I take a lot of comfort in this passage and it further reminds me to surrender, surrender, surrender. Yet that doesn't mean that it's easy! I go from having a great day filled with peace and hope, to have a really down day filled with sadness and confusion.

I'm sure part of why I'm feeling these ups and downs right now is that my cycle is very clearly ending. I'm on day 25 and I was expecting to last at least a couple more days, but it seems that today will soon be cycle day 1. Since taking Femara and Chrysin I've been having 26-28 day cycles (as opposed to my old 24-25 days.) I'm not sure why my cycle would be shorter this month...

Honestly, all that I can focus on is my doctor's appointment on Thursday. Since it was rescheduled to 11:30am, I decided to take a sick day and get a sub for my classes. It would have been too much running around by the time I picked up my hubby, drove to the appointment, took him back, etc. It will be nice to have some unexpected free time that day! Not to mention I'm sure I will be sooooo distracted, both before and after the appointment.

So here's a question for you all... do people with endo have stronger PMS? I can't tell if I'm imagining things or what, but I seem to be having more cramping and bloating than before. So as you can imagine the first thing that pops into my head is, "This is proof that I do have endo!" I seriously need to have this surgery ASAP so that I stop playing mind games with myself. It's just so difficult not knowing!!

A Great Weekend

My hubby and I had a wonderful weekend. I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but he won two nights at a hotel in our area - about 30 miles away - close to where we both used to live. The gift certificate had to be used by the end of October, so we decided it would be a belated birthday celebration. It was so fun! I picked him up from work on Friday and we went out to a nice dinner. ("Nice" for us means not fast food!) Besides being a yummy restaurant, it holds sentimental value for us. Way back when we had just started dating (January 2003) we had dinner and our DTR talk there. Do you know what I'm talking about? A "define the relationship" talk. It's where we decided we were offically more than friends. :) The restaurant is not super close to our house now so we don't get there very often. It was so fun to reminise and think back to the time before we were married. It's really hard to remember those days!

After dinner we just had a relaxing night in the hotel. Saturday morning we went to Starbucks, enjoyed our morning coffee and read - one of our favorite things to do! In keeping with our usual Saturday morning routine we watched "College GameDay" on ESPN. Since the Nebraska game was on at 12:30pm we decided to walk to a sports bar and watch it there. Again, this was another stroll down memory lane for us. We had been to this bar during our time dating and hadn't been back in awhile. It was a great location to watch the game. Unfortunately the USC game wasn't on until 10:15pm on Saturday night. We knew the hotel didn't get the right channel, so we decided we'd skip the second night at the hotel and just head home. This made Sunday morning easier too, since I was singing for the 10am Mass. Thankfully both our teams won, so we were in a good mood!

One last highlight of the weekend was that we purchased my new set of golf clubs today! I am so excited about them. I have had three lessons now and I'm really feeling good about my progress. Obviously I'm not planning to go pro or anything, but I just want to be good enough to have fun playing with my hubby. I used my birthday money from my parents and my in-laws to get them. As soon as we picked them up we went to the driving range to hit some balls. It's fun for us to share this hobby. Hopefully I can continue to improve! Especially since the weather is turning colder, I don't want to forget everything I've learned.

Well, my re-scheduled doctor's appointment is for Thursday at 11:30am. I hope the rest of the week goes by quickly! I'm really anxious about this appointment and I just want it to be here now. Thankfully I didn't have to wait even longer, especially since we will be scheduling my surgery at this appointment. I'm so curious how soon it will be. It seems clear that my prayer for the next couple of days will be for patience! Ha, what else is new... :)

Adoration Idea

As part of our new women's prayer group, we decided to meet for a holy half-hour before starting our session. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't been to adoration for a couple of months, so it was great to spend some quiet time with Jesus. I lifted all of you up in prayer and I felt so close to you all. (I shouldn't be surprised that the Blessed Sacrament would do that!) An idea crossed my mind, so I'll share it with you...

I thought that maybe we could schedule one day a month when we would all go to adoration (possibly at the same time) and unite our prayers. Anyone interested? Think it over and let me know if you are interested.

Abandonment to Divine Providence

Our women's prayer group had it's second meeting last night. I am so excited about this group! It was such a wonderful time to gather in prayer and fellowship. It is such a gift to feel the support and encouragement of fellow "travelers" on this road of life. Even though the six of us are going through very different life experiences (some married, some with kids, one just out of the convent, etc.) we are all trying to pursue holiness. We are all trying to know and do God's will. This is what unites us together.

My friend J led the group last night (we are each going to take turns leading) and the theme was Abandonment to Divine Providence. She is currently reading a book by the same name, so that is where her inspiration came from. One section from the passage really struck me, so I thought I would share it with you. The author is comparing our surrender to God's will to an artist creating a masterpiece...

In the state of abandonement the only rule is the duty of the present moment.

It is true that a canvas simply and blindly given up to the work of the pencil only feels its movement at each moment. Each blow of the hammer on the chisel can only produce one cruel mark at a time, and the stone struck by repeated blows cannot know, nor see the form produced by them. It only feels that it is being diminished, filed, cut, and altered by the chisel.

A stone that is destined to become a crucifix or a statue without knowing it, if it were asked, "What is happening to you?" would reply if it could speak, "Do not ask me, I only know one thing, and that is to remain immovable in the hands of my master, to love him, and to endure all that he inflicts upon me. As for the end for which I am destined, it is his business to understand how it is to be accomplished; I am as ignorant of what he is doing as of what I am destined to become; all I know is that his work is the best and the most perfect that could be, and I receive each blow of the chisel as the most excellent thing that could happen to me, although, truth to tell, each blow, in my opinion, causes the idea of ruin, destruction, and disfigurment. But that is not my affair; content with the present moment, I think of nothing but my duty, and I endure the work of this clever master without knowing, or occupying myself about it."

Yes! Give to God what belongs to Him, and remain lovingly passive in his hands.

Isn't that so great?? I was so struck by this passage. It was such a concrete image for me to meditate on... this idea that we are stone or clay or a canvas in God's hands. He truly is the master who is creating us, shaping us, and molding us. That image of the stone being struck with blows of the chisel is often how we feel during our dark times. And yet, we must hold fast to the hope that it is through this formation that we are being created anew. (Easier said that done, of course.)

The book is written by a French author, De Caussade, and I am going to get it for my next spiritual reading!

Calm and Blessings

Thanks for all your supportive comments... it truly gives me so much encouragement. I am finally more calm about the situation with my doctor's appointment. I'm still terribly disappointed! But really, next week will be here soon enough. And the whole thing could have been much worse. It's hard to see the bright side of things when you're upset, but here are a few blessings in the situation:

1. The doctor's office called when I was at my desk and I actually picked up! (This rarely happens when I'm at school.)
2. The woman simply said, "I'm calling to remind you about your 4pm appointment." It was me who followed up with, "And that's with Dr. L, right?" I'm not really sure what possessed me to ask this, probably since this is my first appointment with her and not with Dr. B - my regular doctor. It was at this point where she said, "No, you're actually scheduled with Dr. M."
3. This whole situation would have been so much worse if I had left school, picked up my husband from work, and driven all the way to the appointment only to find out that she wasn't there. THIS HAS ALREADY HAPPENED TO ME ONCE!! (Sorry for the yelling.) I'm not sure if this office always has this much trouble, but I have already had an appointment mix-up with them. I'm very thankful this one was caught before I actually drove to the office.

On another note, I've had a wonderful start to my birthday today! My students surprised me with a little party in my office. They had balloons (in USC colors), cupcakes and little confetti-poppers. It was so cute! My hubby and I will celebrate more this weekend. He won a two-night stay at a hotel not too far from us... so we're going to spend the weekend there! There's something about staying in a hotel that is fun, especially when it is a nice one. So I'm looking forward to watching football all day on Saturday in our room! We might even venture out to a sports bar for lunch or dinner. ;)

AHHHH!!!

Ohmygosh... I am so frustrated. My doctor's office just called to remind me about my appointment tomorrow - WITH THE WRONG DOCTOR!!! They had me scheduled to meet with a doctor I had never heard of before. Apparently they coded it in wrong when they scheduled my appointment SIX WEEKS AGO! Can you tell I'm frustrated?

I literally just got off the phone with them... and I can't talk about it with anyone at the moment... and I have to go teach in 5 minutes. I'm so mad. I'm so frustrated!

Thankfully I rescheduled for next week, but that feels like an ETERNITY! You IFers out there know how much we count down the days to our appointments. And this was a biggie! I really don't want to have to wait another week. Grrrrrr....

Sorry for the negativity. I just had to vent!

Big Week

Time flies by so quickly, doesn't it? When I scheduled my next doctor's appointment it was mid-September and October 22 seemed soooooo far away! Now, of course, it's almost here. It's sounds strange to say but I really am excited for this appointment. I am very curious to meet Dr. L, to hear what she has to say about my situation (hopefully she will look at my charts - and not just the minute before she walks through the door!), and most importantly what she will say about my surgery. I know many of you have had laparoscopies, but I'm still very curious about all the logistics. Also, Dr. B said it shouldn't be a problem to schedule it as soon as we're ready, so I have been thinking that the surgery will be very soon. But who knows, Dr. L could have something different to say. Or her schedule could be really busy! Hopefully it won't be too far away. Mentally I have been planning on November...

Wednesday is also my birthday! The big 2-9. I can honestly say that this is the first birthday I have ever felt old. REALLY old. And that makes me sad. I have always been considered young... all growing up I was young for my grade, I've always been younger than most of my friends, and even at work I'm one of the "young" teachers. A lot of my co-workers tell me, "oh you're just a baby!" That being said, I feel like the LAST woman on earth to get pregnant and that makes me feel old. As I was saying earlier, the time just flies by so fast. What did I do during ages 26, 27 and 28? I can't really say! I thought getting married at 25 was just perfect... not too old, not too young. I was all set to be pregnant at the "perfect" age too. I'd hate to think how I'd feel if I was turning 30 this year. So of course in my mind I'm thinking, "As long as I'm pregnant before I'm 30 I'll be ok." I should know better by now to not even let those thoughts enter my mind. I can't tell you how many milestones have come and gone that I was hoping to be pregnant by.

As I type this I'm reflecting on what a control-freak I can be. I don't doubt that God is trying to teach me to be more patient and to surrender to His will. His timetable is clearly not my timetable. Even after three years of this journey I am STILL trying to learn this lesson.

On a side note, I got the best birthday present today - a love letter from my hubby! He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and this is what I wanted. He's actually out of town tonight and he left it on my night stand. It was so sweet! Just what I needed.

A Good Day

I just love Saturdays at home... especially in the fall because football is on, of course! I have had a very productive day. Woke up early, did some cleaning around the house - including both bathrooms, worked out on our elliptical machine, finished grading papers and currently I'm washing all my fall/winter clothes that have been in storage. I love to feel productive! I'm also trying to enter my progress report grades for school, but there seems to be an issue with the server. Hopefully it will be fixed soon because I don't have the time to do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a typically busy Sunday for me: I'm singing for two Masses in the morning, we're having lunch with some friends (and meeting their new baby boy for the first time) and then we have youth group in the evening. I have been so blessed by my part-time jobs at Church, but it sure keeps me busy on Sundays. I am a cantor at one parish and my husband and I lead the youth group at another parish. Both opportunities fell into my lap and we really have been blessed by them. The extra money has been a tremendous gift and my life has really been enriched by both of these communities. Because of my involvement with the music at St. Raphael's I was able to sing for the Pope in April when he was in DC. It was truly an amazing experience!

Reflecting like this is good for me... it helps me to see the gifts and blessings that all too often are clouded by the darkness in my life. I am striving to have an attitude of gratitude (ok, I stole that line from Oprah. ha ha...) But honestly, I have so much to be grateful for, it is a sin to not acknowledge all that God has given me.

So I'll start with being grateful for the awesome USC game that I'm watching right now... we're up by 41 points at halftime. Woo-hoo!

Pics from our trip

Last week we spent a few days in North Carolina and Tennessee. It was SO WONDERFUL to get away for a long weekend! First we attended a wedding in Winston-Salem, NC. It was so beautiful. I've always loved weddings, but especially since I've been married now I like them even more. It takes me back to our special day and in a way I feel as if I'm renewing my vows.
Not to mention that my hubby usually gets teary-eyed during the ceremony and I always love that. :)

My husbands parents met us there, so it was a great excuse to see them and to extend our trip for a few extra days. We drove to the Biltmore Mansion in Asheville, NC and then moved on to the Great Smoky Mountain National Park. We love to camp and hike and pretty much do anything outdoors. October is seriously the perfect time to visit these places because all the leaves were changing colors. Here are a few pics from our trip!

I'm Back!

Ok, so I'd like to blame my lack of recent posts to being out of town... but that's only partially the reason! I seriously haven't felt this busy in a long time. The upside of this is that being busy = being distracted. It's amazing how much I appreciate being distracted from thinking about my IF... it helps me live in the present and it really forces me to put my energy in other places. Also, it helps the time go by more quickly! This is especially helpful when I'm waiting for a doctor's appointment. My next appointment is on Wednesday, October 22nd - which also happens to be my birthday. My husband asked me if I minded spending my birthday at the doctors and I actually said, "Not really, I'll consider it a birthday gift." :) That is pretty sad. But I think a lot of you can relate. Even when my appointments aren't going to reveal much, I still cling to them as if they will! For me it feels like one of the only concrete things that I'm doing to help improve my fertility.

That being said, this will actually be an important appointment. My doc suggested that it is now time to have a laparscopy to look for and treat endo. He recommended that another physician in his office perform the surgery - Dr. L - because she is NaPro trained and apparently has had much success. Next week will be my first time to meet with her and to schedule the surgery. Dr. B seemed to think there wasn't much of a "waiting list," so I hope that means we can schedule it soon! I am actually thinking that the week of Thanksgiving will be ideal since I already get a few days off from school. Being a teacher, it's tough to take too much time off. We weren't planning to travel for the holidays, so it's not too big of a deal to me to spend that week recovering. I will keep you posted!

Catching Up

I really am trying to be a good blogger (for whoever is reading this out there!) Honestly, each day this week I have had a few good ideas about an entry and now is the first chance I've had to do it! I have been SUPER busy with things going on at school (I am a teacher) and I just happened to have something every night this week as well. Not to mention that I've had a nasty cold since Sunday... sore throat, congestion, headache and cough. Thankfully today I'm finally feeling better. It's very hard to teach without a voice! Each night I have come home and totally collapsed on the couch. The one perk is that my hubby has done the dishes almost every night this week! Ha ha... And to top it all off we are leaving super early tomorrow morning for a road trip. We're heading to North Carolina for a wedding and we're extended the weekend to visit Asheville, NC and then the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. It should be fun!

Anyways, that being said I do have a few reflections to share. A friend of mine commented on how many new things I have been doing lately - both personally and professionally. After reflecting on this a bit I have come to the conclusion that this is a good sign that I'm living in the present, and not just "waiting" for my real life to begin. I totally confess that I've held off on doing many things thinking that, "oh, soon I'll be pregnant and have kids so I shouldn't even bother with that." I NEVER thought I would be starting my fourth year teaching! Our plan was for me to work one year and then stay home with our babies. Each year I have told myself, well I guess THIS will be the last year. And now I'm in my fourth year... it really is hard to believe. So finally this year I have come into my own a bit and I'm really proud of the new things I've started at school. One of which is a faith-sharing group for the faculty/staff. We've only met twice so far, but it's been really nice to form this community with my co-workers.

Similarly, I started a women's prayer group with another friend of mine. (I think I mentioned her in a previous entry.) We met tonight for the first time and it was such a gift to get to know these women and to pray together. Even though we have totally different things going on in our lives, we are all struggling to find peace about our situations. Most importantly, we are trying to learn and follow God's will for our lives. I am really excited about our group... we are going to meet once a month and each take turns leading. We also decided to meet for a holy half-hour before since the parish close by has perpetual adoration.

On a lighter note I have started taking golf lessons! My husband loves to golf and I guess I should consider myself lucky that he wants me to learn since a lot of men like golf to be their outlet away from their wives! We've talked about this for awhile now, but finally I started taking lessons and I'm even going to get my own set of clubs. I don't have high hopes for my golf skills, but I just want to be good enough to enjoy playing a round every once in awhile. It will be fun for us to share this hobby, both now and later when we're old and retired.

Well, I'd better end this. We're leaving super early tomorrow morning! I promise I will write more next week when I return. :)

"Hoping" for Endo...

So today is cycle day 1... you all know how much fun that can be. ;) Actually, I told All You Who Hope that it's actually not as bad as it used to be for me. I've pretty much resigned myself to expect my period when it comes. I haven't had many pregnancy expectations in a long time. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I can't decide if this is me being realistic and protecting my heart... or if this is me being hopeless and despairing. That being said, this cycle was a little different because my doctor was so hopeful for me during my last appointment. Even though we decided the laparoscopy is my next step, he kept saying "maybe you won't end up needing it after all!" My last test results showed that the Femara has really had an effect on my cycle and my hormones seem to be more normal. So I did sense a little hope creeping in during the past month. But it's still not clear if the hormone thing has been my infertility problem or not. Hence the laparoscopy.

Soooo, now I find myself hoping for endometriosis. Is that wrong??? I keep thinking how wonderful it would be if they find the endo, treat it and all my problems are solved. Obviously there is a chance that this can actually happen. (Especially since my doc is at a loss for what else could be wrong with us.) However I don't really trust my perspective. Is this likely to happen? Am I right to hope for this? I really have lost sense of what is realistic or not. I think this is one side-effect of IF... having crazy, emotionally-driven hopes and expectations. Throw in a big dash of impatience and fertility drugs that play with our hormones. No wonder we have such dramatic ups and downs. Dear Lord, please help us all.

Things that I am thankful for...

1. The fall - I absolutely love this time of year! Especially now that I live on the East Coast, after growing up in California, it's so beautiful to watch the leaves change color and to feel that chill in the air. I am looking forward to baking apple pies, drinking hot chocolate, pulling out my fall/winter clothes and switching to flannel sheets on my bed! (I know, I'm such a dork.) But seriously, there is something refreshing about change. I also love the start of a new school year - I always did as a student and I still do now as a teacher. It's such a gift to have a fresh start every year.

2. College football - My husband and I are huge college football fans. We both are extremely passionate about our teams and we pretty much spend every Saturday on the couch. We just love this time of year! It's really fun that we have this in common and we were even on ESPN last year! Our teams (Nebraska and USC) played each other last September and so of course we went to the game. (Along with both our families!) We uploaded the clip to Youtube so maybe I will have to post the link sometime... it's pretty funny!

3. Daily chats with my parents - It's amazing how living 3,000 miles away from my family has brought me so much closer to them. Pretty much every day on my way home I call my mom or dad. We don't always chat for very long, but I feel so close to them, despite the many miles between us. I NEVER EVER imagined that I would be living this far. (One of the many surprises God had in store for me on this journey of life.) I know that my family misses me a ton, so I am really thankful for these chats that keep us connected.

4. My super amazing hubby - I realize this should probably go up to the top of the list (instead of being behind fall and football!) But this is not in order of importance. I hope that I never take my husband or the gift of our marriage for granted. He truly is the best gift I have ever received. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him! Despite all the darkness that we are going through right now, I know that no matter what happens we will handle it together. He is my partner in everyway and we were truly made for each other. I pray for the grace to be a good wife and to do my job of helping him get to heaven.

5. A cup of coffee and a good book - I absolutely love to sit down with a cup of coffee and a good book. (Right now I am reading Pillars of the Earth and I'm almost finished - all 1,000 pages!) It's interesting how during these past couple of years of trying to conceive I have really felt as if my life has been "on hold." In some ways I've actually resented all the free time I have because I know that if I was a mom, I wouldn't have so much of it. (Isn't that silly?) That being said, I am really trying hard to embrace the present - and this includes being thankful for the time to just sit and read!

6. Blogs and Facebook - While I admit there are pros and cons to too much time on the internet, I have been able to connect and reconnect with so many friends this way. It's been fun to catch up with so many people in my life.

Well, this list isn't very comprehensive... but it just happens to be the things on my mind right now. Thank you God for all these gifts.

Novena to St. Anne and St. Joachim

I recently posted this novena on ...And Not By Sight's blog and thought everyone might enjoy it. I must admit that I haven't prayed it very often. In the beginning, I found it too painful to even pray these words. Looking back I was clearly steeped in a lot of denial about my situation!

I got this novena when my husband and I began learning NFP. I distinctly remember looking at it and quickly putting it aside with hopes that I would never need it... it's amazing how I was nervous about having trouble conceiving from day one. Anyways, here is the novena:

Good parents of the Blessed Virgin Mary, grandparents of our Savior, Jesus Christ,
When life seems barren, help us to trust in God's mercy.
When we are confused, help us to find the way to God.
When we are lost in the desert, lead us to those whom God has called us to love.
When our marriage seems lifeless, show us the eternal youth of the Lord.
When we are selfish, teach us to cling only ot that which lasts.When we are afraid, help us to trust in God.
When we are ashamed, remind us that we are God's children.
When we sin, lead us to do God's will.

You who know God's will for husband and wife, help us to live chastely.
You who suffered without children, intercede for all infertile couples.
You who trusted in God's will, help us to respect God's gift of fertility.
You who gave birth to the Blessed Mother, inspire couples to be co-creators with God.
You who taught the Mother of God, teach us to nurture children by holy instruction.
You whose hearts trusted in God, hear our prayers for... (mention intention.)

Pray with us for the ministry of Catholic family life.
Pray with us for the ministry of Natural Family Planning.
Pray with us for all who give their time, talent and treasure to this good work.
Hail Mary... Our Father... Glory Be...

God of our fathers, you gave Saints Anne and Joachim the privilege of being the parents of Mary, the mother of your incarnate Son. May their prayers help us to attain the salvation you have promised to your people.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.