Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who in his great mercy gave us a new birth to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,
to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading,
kept in heaven for you, to a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the final time.
In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
A few things
Thanks for all your words of love and encouragement! You guys are the best. I think I'm dealing better today. Sometimes it's hard for me to be honest when I'm feeling down. In a strange way I feel as if it's my fault for being sad. As if I'm not trying hard enough to "handle" everything well. Does that make sense? This whole mess of emotions is so complicated!
I made an appointment with my doctor for next week. (The plan was to call her when/if I started my new cycle.) I guess we will discuss my bloodwork - which was better this cycle - and discuss where we go from here. I'm sure the first thing she will say is to just keep trying what we're doing now - the Tamoxifen and Prometrium seem to be working and my hormones levels seemed great on P+7. Obviously we have to give it a little time to work. As my hubby keeps reminding me, this was only my second full cycle after surgery and my first cycle on Prometrium. But my heart is already thinking, "Oh no, there must be another problem. This isn't working. What should we do now???"
I'm trying to make a list of questions I have for her. I guess I will inquire about the blood clotting disorder that Sew mentioned. Why not? I'm happy to get tested for EVERYTHING. Also, I have never had any sonograms done before and/or during ovulation. I wonder if that would be beneficial. What would my doctor be looking for if we did that? Any thoughts?
Here is what really confuses me... I have never had a problem ovulating and now that my endo is removed, it seems like my problem is all hormones. But I don't understand what EXACTLY is going wrong each cycle. Which part of this whole process isn't working? Are my follicles/eggs not fully developed? Or are they unable to be fertilized because of my hormones? Or are we conceiving and for some reason it's not able to be sustained? It's so frustrating because I know my doctor doesn't have the answers either. Even the medical professionals are in the dark about many aspects of infertility. Just one more thing for us to surrender.
I truly am glad that Lent is here. I am the kind of person that needs structure and goal-setting. Forty days always seems like a managable amount of time to work on something. I have chosen a few things to give up and a few things to add into my prayer life. I look forward to making these changes in my life! I know that whatever small things I do will bring some extra grace - and I could totally use it right now.
On a different note, are you familiar with Peter Kreeft? He is a Catholic apologist and professor at Boston College. He has written TONS of books on apologetics and he is a great speaker. A friend recently told us about downloading his talks online and my hubby and I have been listening to them. He's super smart, so his talks are more like academic lectures. But I highly recommend them if you're into that kind of thing. Just follow this link to download his talks.
I made an appointment with my doctor for next week. (The plan was to call her when/if I started my new cycle.) I guess we will discuss my bloodwork - which was better this cycle - and discuss where we go from here. I'm sure the first thing she will say is to just keep trying what we're doing now - the Tamoxifen and Prometrium seem to be working and my hormones levels seemed great on P+7. Obviously we have to give it a little time to work. As my hubby keeps reminding me, this was only my second full cycle after surgery and my first cycle on Prometrium. But my heart is already thinking, "Oh no, there must be another problem. This isn't working. What should we do now???"
I'm trying to make a list of questions I have for her. I guess I will inquire about the blood clotting disorder that Sew mentioned. Why not? I'm happy to get tested for EVERYTHING. Also, I have never had any sonograms done before and/or during ovulation. I wonder if that would be beneficial. What would my doctor be looking for if we did that? Any thoughts?
Here is what really confuses me... I have never had a problem ovulating and now that my endo is removed, it seems like my problem is all hormones. But I don't understand what EXACTLY is going wrong each cycle. Which part of this whole process isn't working? Are my follicles/eggs not fully developed? Or are they unable to be fertilized because of my hormones? Or are we conceiving and for some reason it's not able to be sustained? It's so frustrating because I know my doctor doesn't have the answers either. Even the medical professionals are in the dark about many aspects of infertility. Just one more thing for us to surrender.
I truly am glad that Lent is here. I am the kind of person that needs structure and goal-setting. Forty days always seems like a managable amount of time to work on something. I have chosen a few things to give up and a few things to add into my prayer life. I look forward to making these changes in my life! I know that whatever small things I do will bring some extra grace - and I could totally use it right now.
On a different note, are you familiar with Peter Kreeft? He is a Catholic apologist and professor at Boston College. He has written TONS of books on apologetics and he is a great speaker. A friend recently told us about downloading his talks online and my hubby and I have been listening to them. He's super smart, so his talks are more like academic lectures. But I highly recommend them if you're into that kind of thing. Just follow this link to download his talks.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
New Season, New Cycle
I guess in a way it feels appropriate to start a new cycle on Ash Wednesday. Let's just say it definitely puts me in the mood to be sorrowful and repentant. I am trying my hardest to "offer it up" and to see this a yet another challenge to surrender and trust in the Lord. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard today. I'm feeling bitter and I HATE feeling that way. I'm feeling sad and mad. I feel like I was "duped" into hoping for the first time in a long time. I need to re-read that passage from Sirach. I especially connect with the first verse, "If you aspire to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for an ordeal." Alright Lord, here we go, I need your help yet again to deal with this "ordeal."
Sorry for the downer post, but it's where I'm at today.
Sorry for the downer post, but it's where I'm at today.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sirach 2:1-6
If you aspire to serve the Lord,
prepare yourself for an ordeal.
Be sincere of heart, be steadfast,
and do not be alarmed when disaster comes.
Cling to him and do not leave him,
so that you may be honoured at the end of your days.
Whatever happens to you, accept it,
and in the uncertainties of your humble state, be patient,
since gold is tested in the fire,
and chosen men in the furnace of humiliation.
Trust him and he will uphold you,
follow a straight path and hope in him.
Sirach 2:1-6
prepare yourself for an ordeal.
Be sincere of heart, be steadfast,
and do not be alarmed when disaster comes.
Cling to him and do not leave him,
so that you may be honoured at the end of your days.
Whatever happens to you, accept it,
and in the uncertainties of your humble state, be patient,
since gold is tested in the fire,
and chosen men in the furnace of humiliation.
Trust him and he will uphold you,
follow a straight path and hope in him.
Sirach 2:1-6
Monday, February 23, 2009
Question
I'm pretty sure that my new cycle will begin any day now (or at any moment!) Here is my question: I still have 2 more days of the Prometrium, so my body still has artificially high levels of progesterone. Does that mean my cycle won't start until I'm done with that? Just curious...
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wait and See
Thanks for all your comments and advice about my bloodwork. I'm still not sure what to make of it. Obviously the levels are high, so that is good and I'm happy with that. It's pretty much impossible for my mind to stop playing the "what if" game. It's so frustrating that pre-pregnancy symptoms are so similar to PMS. Not to mention that being on Prometrium could be causing some extra symptoms. But there's nothing I can do except wait and see - what else is new??? Today is cycle day 25 and honestly I will just be happy with a nice long cycle. Last month I don't think I even made it this long.
As usual I had a great night at my women's prayer group this week. We always have such open and honest converations. We're all striving to love the Lord and do His will, and obviously that is not always easy. All of us ladies have very different things going on in our lives - and yet we have so much common ground that brings us together. They inspire me and challenge me to continue growing in my faith.
I shared with them all about my weekend in Raleigh and meeting Immaculee. Seriously, I can't stop talking about her and her books! I'm almost done with Our Lady of Kibeho and I prayed the Seven Sorrows Rosary during adoration. It was really beautiful. But I have to admit I was feeling a little tired and distracted, so I'm looking forward to praying it again. Hopefully it will be one of my Lenten devotions.
Speaking of Lent, anyone have any good ideas that they are doing? One of my friends is giving up Facebook and I really don't think I could do that! (How sad is that?!)
As usual I had a great night at my women's prayer group this week. We always have such open and honest converations. We're all striving to love the Lord and do His will, and obviously that is not always easy. All of us ladies have very different things going on in our lives - and yet we have so much common ground that brings us together. They inspire me and challenge me to continue growing in my faith.
I shared with them all about my weekend in Raleigh and meeting Immaculee. Seriously, I can't stop talking about her and her books! I'm almost done with Our Lady of Kibeho and I prayed the Seven Sorrows Rosary during adoration. It was really beautiful. But I have to admit I was feeling a little tired and distracted, so I'm looking forward to praying it again. Hopefully it will be one of my Lenten devotions.
Speaking of Lent, anyone have any good ideas that they are doing? One of my friends is giving up Facebook and I really don't think I could do that! (How sad is that?!)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
What???
My doctor's office actually called today and left me a voicemail with the results from my bloodwork. I was pretty shocked! The nurse said that Dr. L thought my levels were "much better" than last cycle. Estradiol was 387 and progesterone was 58. I honestly have no idea what to think about those numbers. They both seem quite high. I actually thought I mis-heard the nurse with the progesterone number. Last month it was 8 and now 58!?! I guess that is the Prometrium at work. Any thoughts???
Off to adoration and my women's prayer group. I'm praying for you all.
Off to adoration and my women's prayer group. I'm praying for you all.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Blog Giveaway Winner and Blood Test
The blog giveaway winner is Tiffany! I don't have your contact information, so you can email me your information and I will send your CD through the mail - jeremiahtwentynineleven@gmail.com (Notice in my email address that there is only one "e" between the words "nine" and "eleven.") That was the only way it would work with gmail. I hope you enjoy the CD!
Also, I thought I'd mention that today is peak+7 so I had my blood drawn this morning. I'm curious to see how effective the Prometrium has been. My doctor doesn't usually call with my test results - she just waits for me to make an appointment once my new cycle begins. Depending on how long this cycle lasts, I might end up calling the office to get the results. I'm hoping and praying this cycle is nice and looooooong. This is my first time ever on progesterone, so hopefully my luteal phase will see a change!
Also, I thought I'd mention that today is peak+7 so I had my blood drawn this morning. I'm curious to see how effective the Prometrium has been. My doctor doesn't usually call with my test results - she just waits for me to make an appointment once my new cycle begins. Depending on how long this cycle lasts, I might end up calling the office to get the results. I'm hoping and praying this cycle is nice and looooooong. This is my first time ever on progesterone, so hopefully my luteal phase will see a change!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
God is Good
WOW, I had such an awesome weekend! It's taken me a couple of days to finally blog, but I had an incredible weekend with All You Who Hope and LifeHopes. It was so great to meet these wonderful women of God. I was so blessed by their presence and I am glad that we are friends in real life now, in addition to being blog-buddies. :)
These blogs have been an incredible source of comfort and encouragement for me. They truly have been a gift from God because no one else really understands what we're going through. I only wish that we all lived closer and could get together regularly. AYWH, LH and I literally talked the entire time we were together. It was wonderful! I stayed up way past my bedtime (which is a struggle for me since I'm such an early bird) - but I couldn't help it. We had so much to say! We talked about carrying our cross of infertility and striving to do God's will. Of course we discussed surgeries and charts and mucus (who doesn't???) AYWH and LH are both incredible women of faith and they inspire me to persevere in hope. Oh, and LH's husband P is awesome! He was so kind to indulge all our girl-talk and he joined right in with all the great conversations.
The reason for the trip was to attend the "Ignited by Truth" conference. I was so impressed with everything - the speakers were amazing and tons of people attended! I didn't think there were this many Catholics in the South. ;) I'm not sure how many were local and how many had traveled, but overall it seemed to be a huge success.
The big draw for us was Immaculee Ilibagiza. The three of us read her amazing book, "Left to Tell" and we were excited to hear her speak. We were not disappointed. Her deep faith is both simple and profound. It's truly a miracle that she is alive and she shared countless stories about God's presence in her life. We were so inspired! One new thing I learned was about the Marian apparitions in Kibeho, Rwanda. I had no idea that the Blessed Mother had appeared here. It happened in the 1980s and has been officially approved by the Church. After the talk I immediately bought Immaculee's book about these apparitions. AYWH and I stood in line for quite awhile to get her signature. It was so worth it!
We spent a couple of minutes chatting with her. We told her how much we loved her first book and how much hope she had given us. We told her that we were struggling with infertility and she told us that she would pray for us. She said to pray to Mary and she will make it happen. She said that if God gave us these desires, then He would not disappoint us. Immaculee also told us about all the healings involving pregnancy that had occured in Kibeho. Seriously, can you believe that?? She invited us to join her in Rwanda in March (if we could afford it.) Too bad we can't make that trip. It would be so amazing to travel with her. We both bought rosaries from Kibeho - they are called the Seven Sorrows Rosary. Have you ever heard of this? Apparently it's a really old devotion that Mary asked the visionaries of Kibeho to spread. The rosary is made up of seven sets of seven beads and you mediate on the seven sorrows of Mary. I think I will make this one of my Lenten devotions this year. Immaculee explains how to pray it in the back of her book.
The rest of the speakers were great too. Tim Staples (from Catholic Answers) spoke twice. He is super dynamic and inspired everyone to be bold in our Catholic faith. AYWH and I had a chance to chat with him in person and we mostly talked politics. It was great to get to know him. Turns out that he and his wife struggled with infertility too. They are now parents to four childen!
Philip Rivers also spoke - he is the starting quarterback for the San Diego Chargers. I had no idea that he was such a strong Catholic! He and his wife have been married since his freshman year of college and they have four kids. He spoke about living out his faith while playing in the NFL. He said that when he first got drafted he wondered how he was going to make it to Mass since he would be playing on Sundays. Thankfully the team brings a priest along with them and he says Mass in the hotel before every game (home and away.) Pretty cool!
The weekend was truly amazing!
These blogs have been an incredible source of comfort and encouragement for me. They truly have been a gift from God because no one else really understands what we're going through. I only wish that we all lived closer and could get together regularly. AYWH, LH and I literally talked the entire time we were together. It was wonderful! I stayed up way past my bedtime (which is a struggle for me since I'm such an early bird) - but I couldn't help it. We had so much to say! We talked about carrying our cross of infertility and striving to do God's will. Of course we discussed surgeries and charts and mucus (who doesn't???) AYWH and LH are both incredible women of faith and they inspire me to persevere in hope. Oh, and LH's husband P is awesome! He was so kind to indulge all our girl-talk and he joined right in with all the great conversations.
The reason for the trip was to attend the "Ignited by Truth" conference. I was so impressed with everything - the speakers were amazing and tons of people attended! I didn't think there were this many Catholics in the South. ;) I'm not sure how many were local and how many had traveled, but overall it seemed to be a huge success.
The big draw for us was Immaculee Ilibagiza. The three of us read her amazing book, "Left to Tell" and we were excited to hear her speak. We were not disappointed. Her deep faith is both simple and profound. It's truly a miracle that she is alive and she shared countless stories about God's presence in her life. We were so inspired! One new thing I learned was about the Marian apparitions in Kibeho, Rwanda. I had no idea that the Blessed Mother had appeared here. It happened in the 1980s and has been officially approved by the Church. After the talk I immediately bought Immaculee's book about these apparitions. AYWH and I stood in line for quite awhile to get her signature. It was so worth it!
We spent a couple of minutes chatting with her. We told her how much we loved her first book and how much hope she had given us. We told her that we were struggling with infertility and she told us that she would pray for us. She said to pray to Mary and she will make it happen. She said that if God gave us these desires, then He would not disappoint us. Immaculee also told us about all the healings involving pregnancy that had occured in Kibeho. Seriously, can you believe that?? She invited us to join her in Rwanda in March (if we could afford it.) Too bad we can't make that trip. It would be so amazing to travel with her. We both bought rosaries from Kibeho - they are called the Seven Sorrows Rosary. Have you ever heard of this? Apparently it's a really old devotion that Mary asked the visionaries of Kibeho to spread. The rosary is made up of seven sets of seven beads and you mediate on the seven sorrows of Mary. I think I will make this one of my Lenten devotions this year. Immaculee explains how to pray it in the back of her book.
The rest of the speakers were great too. Tim Staples (from Catholic Answers) spoke twice. He is super dynamic and inspired everyone to be bold in our Catholic faith. AYWH and I had a chance to chat with him in person and we mostly talked politics. It was great to get to know him. Turns out that he and his wife struggled with infertility too. They are now parents to four childen!
Philip Rivers also spoke - he is the starting quarterback for the San Diego Chargers. I had no idea that he was such a strong Catholic! He and his wife have been married since his freshman year of college and they have four kids. He spoke about living out his faith while playing in the NFL. He said that when he first got drafted he wondered how he was going to make it to Mass since he would be playing on Sundays. Thankfully the team brings a priest along with them and he says Mass in the hotel before every game (home and away.) Pretty cool!
The weekend was truly amazing!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A few things...
Whew! It's been a busy week. (I know that I always say that!) But truly it has... lots going on at school and every night after school. I can't complain because it's all good things! Just keeping me busy is all. This week I finally finished auditions and made the cast list for my show. Every year I am surprised by how hard it is, but it is really difficult to make these decisions. Especially since we give every student a part who auditions. Thankfully it's done and now we can move forward with rehearsals. It's going to be great! I'm super excited about doing "Willy Wonka."
About the blog giveaway, I will reveal the winner on Monday! I know it's nothing too exciting, but I have been so inspired by these songs. They were just what I needed this week.
In cycle news I don't have too much to report. Tonight will be my first time taking the Prometrium. I'm supposed to take it 2 days after peak, so hopefully I am calculating it correctly! I've never felt very confident at determining my peak. For those of you who use ovulation indicators, does it usually matching up with the peak day you determine based on your observations? Any advice here is appreciated! I'm worried that I "made" my charting reflect the ovulation day based on the indicator. Do you know what I mean? Anyways, if I'm off it would only be by a day at the most. (Unless I get a surprise observation sometime today.) I'm a little nervous about the Prometrium. Apparently there can be some wacky side effects - enough so that they tell you to take it before bed so that you can "sleep it off." Anyone have experience with this?
Also, does anyone have side effects from taking fish oil or flax oil? I started taking flax oil last week and it started to make me nauseous. I felt so sick and actually thought I might throw-up. I haven't taken it since, although I'd really like to start it again.
Lastly, my bags are packed for my weekend trip to North Carolina. I am SO EXICTED! It's a pretty spontaneous trip. When I heard that Lifehopes had an extra ticket to this conference I decided to go for it! Seize the day, right? I will pick up AYWH first and then we'll head down together. I'm sure the conference will be great, but I'm mostly looking forward to meeting my blog friends! :) You guys have been such a huge source of encouragement and support for me. It truly has been a gift from God. I don't know what I would do without you all! I feel bad leaving my hubby on Valentines Day, but he was so supportive. He's excited for me which is really sweet. I'm so glad that some of my blog friends will now be real life friends. Seriously, we need to plan our own conference and get everyone together. Don't you think??? Hopefully we can plan one big baby shower in the near future. ;)
About the blog giveaway, I will reveal the winner on Monday! I know it's nothing too exciting, but I have been so inspired by these songs. They were just what I needed this week.
In cycle news I don't have too much to report. Tonight will be my first time taking the Prometrium. I'm supposed to take it 2 days after peak, so hopefully I am calculating it correctly! I've never felt very confident at determining my peak. For those of you who use ovulation indicators, does it usually matching up with the peak day you determine based on your observations? Any advice here is appreciated! I'm worried that I "made" my charting reflect the ovulation day based on the indicator. Do you know what I mean? Anyways, if I'm off it would only be by a day at the most. (Unless I get a surprise observation sometime today.) I'm a little nervous about the Prometrium. Apparently there can be some wacky side effects - enough so that they tell you to take it before bed so that you can "sleep it off." Anyone have experience with this?
Also, does anyone have side effects from taking fish oil or flax oil? I started taking flax oil last week and it started to make me nauseous. I felt so sick and actually thought I might throw-up. I haven't taken it since, although I'd really like to start it again.
Lastly, my bags are packed for my weekend trip to North Carolina. I am SO EXICTED! It's a pretty spontaneous trip. When I heard that Lifehopes had an extra ticket to this conference I decided to go for it! Seize the day, right? I will pick up AYWH first and then we'll head down together. I'm sure the conference will be great, but I'm mostly looking forward to meeting my blog friends! :) You guys have been such a huge source of encouragement and support for me. It truly has been a gift from God. I don't know what I would do without you all! I feel bad leaving my hubby on Valentines Day, but he was so supportive. He's excited for me which is really sweet. I'm so glad that some of my blog friends will now be real life friends. Seriously, we need to plan our own conference and get everyone together. Don't you think??? Hopefully we can plan one big baby shower in the near future. ;)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Blog Giveaway
I am no where near as creative as all you ladies who have already done Blog Giveaways... but I do have something that I would love to pass along.
As I mentioned earlier I downloaded some songs from iTunes this weekend. A few were from the movie "Fireproof" plus some others I found while I was searching. They are SO GOOD and I have pretty much been listening to them non-stop. They have really spoken to my heart and have filled me with much consolation and peace.
I would love to share them with you! I don't know if you all listen to Christian music, but for me music is one of my favorite ways to pray. I love to sing, pretty much everywhere and anywhere, but especially alone in my car. If you are in need of some inspiration, you might appreciate these songs as well. I am calling it my "Inspiration Mix." :)
All you have to do is post a comment that you want "in" and I'll raffle it off and mail a CD to the winner. I will contact the winner and you can give me your mailing address.
Yay for blog giveaways!!! :)
As I mentioned earlier I downloaded some songs from iTunes this weekend. A few were from the movie "Fireproof" plus some others I found while I was searching. They are SO GOOD and I have pretty much been listening to them non-stop. They have really spoken to my heart and have filled me with much consolation and peace.
I would love to share them with you! I don't know if you all listen to Christian music, but for me music is one of my favorite ways to pray. I love to sing, pretty much everywhere and anywhere, but especially alone in my car. If you are in need of some inspiration, you might appreciate these songs as well. I am calling it my "Inspiration Mix." :)
All you have to do is post a comment that you want "in" and I'll raffle it off and mail a CD to the winner. I will contact the winner and you can give me your mailing address.
Yay for blog giveaways!!! :)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I'm a Mess!
I've seriously been a mess all weekend, at least emotionally speaking. It's not all bad, but I've done a lot of crying. And my nasty cold has been sticking around, so that does not make for a great combination. It's pretty gross actually! I have blown my nose so much that all the skin around my nose has peeled off. Hopefully my voice won't be so raspy for school tomorrow. I thought for sure it would be back by now.
I have a feeling that this post is going to be all over the place - so bare with me - but I guess that goes along with how I'm feeling. I had coffee with a good friend on Saturday morning. (Love you LKT!) We talked about many things, like we always do, but in particular we were sharing our current spiritual journey and how things were going in our prayer life. I shared with her what I had been reflecting on during the past week since my last spiritual direction. I have come to the conclusion that I am going through some serious spiritual dryness. I didn't post much about this earlier because I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. I can't put my finger on how long I've been feeling this way, but my prayer life has felt very dry. That is the best way I can explain it. It's been a time of desolation. Thankfully it hasn't been a place of total darkness or despair for me. I don't feel abandoned by God. But yet I haven't feel the things I generally do. I haven't felt inspired by Scripture or reflections or spiritual reading. I can look back on other times in my life when everything was full of meaning and I found God's presence in all things. I read some old journals recently and I was left thinking, "Where did I go? Where is that person now?"
I posed the same question to Fr. T last week and to my friend yesterday - is something wrong with me (am I not doing enough) or is this just where I'm at right now? I have been trying to figure out if I have been too lazy or too sad and it's "my fault" that I'm going through this dryness. Or if God is giving me this time of desolation for a reason. I have heard over and over again about how many great saints went through a time of darkness in their lives. I think St. John of the Cross was the one to call it a "dark night" and many saints talk about feeling completely removed from God. So in a way, I take much consolation in that fact.
I just can't remember a time when my relationship with the Lord felt like so much work. I want to get to adoration, I want to do more spiritual reading, I want to say more novenas, I want to read more Scripture, etc... and yet all of these things are so difficult for me to actually go through with. I can't tell you how many books I've started and stopped recently. None of them seem to speak to me. So I decided to stop trying to do so much and just "be" with the Lord. And yet I can't seem to do that either. My mind wanders, it is filled with doubt, and I simply choose to do other things instead. I feel God's call to draw near to Him and I feel the need to be fed spiritually, and yet I don't know how. Or perhaps I'm choosing not to. I'm still a bit confused about it.
Yet I think I turned a corner this weekend. As I was driving home from coffee with my friend this song ("Whatever Your Doing" by Santus Real) was on the radio. It COMPLETELY spoke to my heart. The words were exactly what I was feeling...
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
And the mere fact that the song came on at that moment gave me such consolation. These are the kind of moments that I have been missing! When I'm in a place of grace and consolation I have these moments all the time. Do you know what I mean?
One thing I have been reflecting on is that God gives us what we need at each moment of our lives. And as we grow and change we need different things. I don't doubt that I can grow during this time, it's just so different from what I've ever experienced before. It's kind of a time of testing for me. I feel the Lord asking me, "Do you love me?" just as He asked Peter. It's as if this is my time to prove my love. I will continue to go to Mass even if I don't "feel" anything. I will continue to pray and read and sit in silence even if I'm not feeling inspired. In a way it's a more mature or more adult love. God gave me the graces I needed in the past to grow my faith to where I am now. As we all know, suffering leads us to the cross. We are united to Christ during our times of pain and sadness.
I also started reading, "Come Be My Light" which is a collection of Mother Teresa's letters. I chose this intentionally because it is a book about her own spiritual darkness. I figure that if she went through this, it can't be all bad. This passage struck me this morning, "Now I really rejoice when something does not go as I wish - because I see that He wants our trust - that is why in the loss let us praise God as if we have got everything." I haven't gotten very far, but so far I have enjoyed it.
Then today my hubby and I watched the movie, "Fireproof." Have you seen it? I had heard good things about it and I was in the mood for something sappy and romantic. My hubby gave in and we rented it. It was sooooo good for many reasons. First I will say that it's not the world's greatest acting - no Academy Award nominees here. It's kind of like an after-school special movie. But once you give into the fact it's going to be a bit preachy the message is so beautiful! It speaks the truth about love and marriage. I was pretty much bawling the entire time.
First I was all sappy about how great my husband is. Truly he is a wonderful man and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I never want to take him for granted. I love him so much more than the day we got married and I can see how our love will continue to grow for the rest of our lives. That is such a beautiful thought! He has been such a source of strength for me during these hard times. I thank God for blessing us with the gift of a great marriage - it truly is such a gift.
One of the main messages of the movie is that you need to love your spouse even when you don't feel like it or even if they don't deserve it. Obviously this is because our married love is an image of God's love for us - and this is how He loves us. What really struck me is that I need to continue to love God during this time of dryness - even when I don't feel like it, even when I don't "feel" His presence. Love is so much more than feelings. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and I need to be in it for the long haul.
There were some really great songs used in the movie - so I immediately downloaded them from iTunes! I am feeling very inspired by them already. The makers of the movie have some great marriage resources including a book called "The Love Dare" and it's all about how to love your spouse better. (Part of the plot involved the main character reading this book.) We bought it online and I'm excited to go through it with my hubby.
Well, I realize this post has gotten VERY long, but I have been feeling so many things. I can't quite articulate it all... but I know that I'm feeling better than I was before. I truly think I have turned a corner.
The last thing I'll mention is that I decided to join AYWH and LifeHopes at the conference in Raleigh this weekend. I am SO EXCITED to meet these lovely ladies and to share this conference together! This blog and all of you have been a big part of my journey. I think it will be really good timing. I will drive to Richmond, then AYWH and I will drive to Raleigh together. I seriously can't wait!
I have a feeling that this post is going to be all over the place - so bare with me - but I guess that goes along with how I'm feeling. I had coffee with a good friend on Saturday morning. (Love you LKT!) We talked about many things, like we always do, but in particular we were sharing our current spiritual journey and how things were going in our prayer life. I shared with her what I had been reflecting on during the past week since my last spiritual direction. I have come to the conclusion that I am going through some serious spiritual dryness. I didn't post much about this earlier because I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. I can't put my finger on how long I've been feeling this way, but my prayer life has felt very dry. That is the best way I can explain it. It's been a time of desolation. Thankfully it hasn't been a place of total darkness or despair for me. I don't feel abandoned by God. But yet I haven't feel the things I generally do. I haven't felt inspired by Scripture or reflections or spiritual reading. I can look back on other times in my life when everything was full of meaning and I found God's presence in all things. I read some old journals recently and I was left thinking, "Where did I go? Where is that person now?"
I posed the same question to Fr. T last week and to my friend yesterday - is something wrong with me (am I not doing enough) or is this just where I'm at right now? I have been trying to figure out if I have been too lazy or too sad and it's "my fault" that I'm going through this dryness. Or if God is giving me this time of desolation for a reason. I have heard over and over again about how many great saints went through a time of darkness in their lives. I think St. John of the Cross was the one to call it a "dark night" and many saints talk about feeling completely removed from God. So in a way, I take much consolation in that fact.
I just can't remember a time when my relationship with the Lord felt like so much work. I want to get to adoration, I want to do more spiritual reading, I want to say more novenas, I want to read more Scripture, etc... and yet all of these things are so difficult for me to actually go through with. I can't tell you how many books I've started and stopped recently. None of them seem to speak to me. So I decided to stop trying to do so much and just "be" with the Lord. And yet I can't seem to do that either. My mind wanders, it is filled with doubt, and I simply choose to do other things instead. I feel God's call to draw near to Him and I feel the need to be fed spiritually, and yet I don't know how. Or perhaps I'm choosing not to. I'm still a bit confused about it.
Yet I think I turned a corner this weekend. As I was driving home from coffee with my friend this song ("Whatever Your Doing" by Santus Real) was on the radio. It COMPLETELY spoke to my heart. The words were exactly what I was feeling...
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
And the mere fact that the song came on at that moment gave me such consolation. These are the kind of moments that I have been missing! When I'm in a place of grace and consolation I have these moments all the time. Do you know what I mean?
One thing I have been reflecting on is that God gives us what we need at each moment of our lives. And as we grow and change we need different things. I don't doubt that I can grow during this time, it's just so different from what I've ever experienced before. It's kind of a time of testing for me. I feel the Lord asking me, "Do you love me?" just as He asked Peter. It's as if this is my time to prove my love. I will continue to go to Mass even if I don't "feel" anything. I will continue to pray and read and sit in silence even if I'm not feeling inspired. In a way it's a more mature or more adult love. God gave me the graces I needed in the past to grow my faith to where I am now. As we all know, suffering leads us to the cross. We are united to Christ during our times of pain and sadness.
I also started reading, "Come Be My Light" which is a collection of Mother Teresa's letters. I chose this intentionally because it is a book about her own spiritual darkness. I figure that if she went through this, it can't be all bad. This passage struck me this morning, "Now I really rejoice when something does not go as I wish - because I see that He wants our trust - that is why in the loss let us praise God as if we have got everything." I haven't gotten very far, but so far I have enjoyed it.
Then today my hubby and I watched the movie, "Fireproof." Have you seen it? I had heard good things about it and I was in the mood for something sappy and romantic. My hubby gave in and we rented it. It was sooooo good for many reasons. First I will say that it's not the world's greatest acting - no Academy Award nominees here. It's kind of like an after-school special movie. But once you give into the fact it's going to be a bit preachy the message is so beautiful! It speaks the truth about love and marriage. I was pretty much bawling the entire time.
First I was all sappy about how great my husband is. Truly he is a wonderful man and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I never want to take him for granted. I love him so much more than the day we got married and I can see how our love will continue to grow for the rest of our lives. That is such a beautiful thought! He has been such a source of strength for me during these hard times. I thank God for blessing us with the gift of a great marriage - it truly is such a gift.
One of the main messages of the movie is that you need to love your spouse even when you don't feel like it or even if they don't deserve it. Obviously this is because our married love is an image of God's love for us - and this is how He loves us. What really struck me is that I need to continue to love God during this time of dryness - even when I don't feel like it, even when I don't "feel" His presence. Love is so much more than feelings. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and I need to be in it for the long haul.
There were some really great songs used in the movie - so I immediately downloaded them from iTunes! I am feeling very inspired by them already. The makers of the movie have some great marriage resources including a book called "The Love Dare" and it's all about how to love your spouse better. (Part of the plot involved the main character reading this book.) We bought it online and I'm excited to go through it with my hubby.
Well, I realize this post has gotten VERY long, but I have been feeling so many things. I can't quite articulate it all... but I know that I'm feeling better than I was before. I truly think I have turned a corner.
The last thing I'll mention is that I decided to join AYWH and LifeHopes at the conference in Raleigh this weekend. I am SO EXCITED to meet these lovely ladies and to share this conference together! This blog and all of you have been a big part of my journey. I think it will be really good timing. I will drive to Richmond, then AYWH and I will drive to Raleigh together. I seriously can't wait!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Feeling Bleh
Unfortunately I have been sick this week. Ugh. It's nothing more than a nasty cold and to be honest, it's more annoying than anything. I seriously feel like I'm too busy to be sick! Everything takes longer and I haven't had my usual energy. Plus I've had that raspy, sick voice for a couple of days and it's really hard to teach like that. Not to mention it's pretty much impossible to sing.
I felt the worst on Thursday and I couldn't stay home because we had Mass at school that morning. About half of my student choir was also sick so we were really struggling. All week I've been staying late after school to have auditions for our spring musical. Let's just say it's been a long week and I'm so glad the weekend is here.
I chose"Willy Wonka" for our show this year and I'm REALLY excited about it! It's going to take a lot of work and there is a ton of singing involved. Hopefully our students can handle it. Casting is one of the hardest parts, so I will feel good once that is finished. The past couple of years we have done shows that are not well-known. Part of the challenge with doing a known show is that the audience has certain expectations. It's always harder to live up to expectations than to surprise people with something new. Thankfully we are starting about a month earlier than last year. Hopefully that will help us get it all done. I teach at a small school and our students are SUPER busy. The show has to compete with everything else the kids are trying to balance - academics, sports, student council, music lessons, extra-curricular activities, etc. Somehow it all comes together in the end, but it pretty much consumes my life while we're rehearsing!
Nothing too much else to report. I'm looking forward to taking the Prometrium this cycle. I am hopeful that I will see a change and I'm praying for a longer cycle. My prayer is that this is the last "problem" to be fixed. Only time will tell...
I felt the worst on Thursday and I couldn't stay home because we had Mass at school that morning. About half of my student choir was also sick so we were really struggling. All week I've been staying late after school to have auditions for our spring musical. Let's just say it's been a long week and I'm so glad the weekend is here.
I chose"Willy Wonka" for our show this year and I'm REALLY excited about it! It's going to take a lot of work and there is a ton of singing involved. Hopefully our students can handle it. Casting is one of the hardest parts, so I will feel good once that is finished. The past couple of years we have done shows that are not well-known. Part of the challenge with doing a known show is that the audience has certain expectations. It's always harder to live up to expectations than to surprise people with something new. Thankfully we are starting about a month earlier than last year. Hopefully that will help us get it all done. I teach at a small school and our students are SUPER busy. The show has to compete with everything else the kids are trying to balance - academics, sports, student council, music lessons, extra-curricular activities, etc. Somehow it all comes together in the end, but it pretty much consumes my life while we're rehearsing!
Nothing too much else to report. I'm looking forward to taking the Prometrium this cycle. I am hopeful that I will see a change and I'm praying for a longer cycle. My prayer is that this is the last "problem" to be fixed. Only time will tell...
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Hormone Update
I got the results of my bloodwork at my doctor's appointment this afternoon. Turns out that my estrogen levels were good (I forget the number) and my progesterone levels were not good (8.2.) Dr. L wants to keep me on Tamoxifen - she thinks it did help my estrogen levels. She gave me a prescription for a progesterone supplement that I will take starting on Peak +2 and continue for 12 days. I think it's called Prometrium. Is anyone else on this? Hopefully this will do the trick! She says that I am definitely ovulating and my eggs possibly could be fertilizing, but the low progesterone won't allow me sustain anything.
As always, it's frustrating to not understand the reason behind all these hormone issues. I asked Dr. L if it was related to my endo or if it was a separate problem. She is convinced it's all related, but they just don't know how. I will keep you posted on the results of the new drug.
As always, it's frustrating to not understand the reason behind all these hormone issues. I asked Dr. L if it was related to my endo or if it was a separate problem. She is convinced it's all related, but they just don't know how. I will keep you posted on the results of the new drug.
Here I Am
How has it been almost a week since I posted? I seriously don't know where the time goes. It's been a busy week. I thoroughly enjoyed a couple of days off because of the snow. On Tuesday I was pretty productive and on Wednesday I just relaxed. It was great! Gotta love those unexpected days off.
We had friends over for the Super Bowl on Sunday night, so I spent most of the weekend getting ready for that. I LOVE having a clean house, so I'm glad that having guests over inspires me to do some deep cleaning. (Otherwise I just end up letting it go way too long!) My only problem is that I get really side-tracked while I'm cleaning... for example I will start dusting in our bedroom and then end up re-organizing my sock drawer. Thankfully this weekend I had the time to do a little of this and that. I ended up cleaning out and organizing lots of drawers and closests. It feels so good to get organized!
I also did a little soul-cleaning as well. I had spiritual direction on Sunday morning before Mass. Generally I begin direction with confession, so that is nice. It's a great way to make sure I'm going regularly. For me, the best part about spiritual direction is the accountability. (If you've ever done Weight Watchers, it's kind of like "weighing in.") For the most part I enjoy Fr. T and his advice, although I have to admit that I do miss my previous spiritual director. I always left our sessions totally inspired.
I just started reading "He and I" and a couple of quotes really stuck out to me. Has anyone read this book before? A friend recommended it many years ago and it's been sitting on my shelf ever since. It's the diary of a French woman and her revelations of The Voice - the Lord -speaking to her. In one passage the Voice says to her, "Give yourself a rest from saying prayers so that you may enjoy My love" and later it says, "Fall in love with me over and over again." Both of these passages really spoke to my heart, so I will continue to reflect on them.
In other news I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Hopefully she will have the results of my bloodwork so we can discuss them. I'm curious if it will reveal anything. I'm also planning to discuss the effects of Tamoxifen and see if she thinks it's "working." I will keep you posted!
We had friends over for the Super Bowl on Sunday night, so I spent most of the weekend getting ready for that. I LOVE having a clean house, so I'm glad that having guests over inspires me to do some deep cleaning. (Otherwise I just end up letting it go way too long!) My only problem is that I get really side-tracked while I'm cleaning... for example I will start dusting in our bedroom and then end up re-organizing my sock drawer. Thankfully this weekend I had the time to do a little of this and that. I ended up cleaning out and organizing lots of drawers and closests. It feels so good to get organized!
I also did a little soul-cleaning as well. I had spiritual direction on Sunday morning before Mass. Generally I begin direction with confession, so that is nice. It's a great way to make sure I'm going regularly. For me, the best part about spiritual direction is the accountability. (If you've ever done Weight Watchers, it's kind of like "weighing in.") For the most part I enjoy Fr. T and his advice, although I have to admit that I do miss my previous spiritual director. I always left our sessions totally inspired.
I just started reading "He and I" and a couple of quotes really stuck out to me. Has anyone read this book before? A friend recommended it many years ago and it's been sitting on my shelf ever since. It's the diary of a French woman and her revelations of The Voice - the Lord -speaking to her. In one passage the Voice says to her, "Give yourself a rest from saying prayers so that you may enjoy My love" and later it says, "Fall in love with me over and over again." Both of these passages really spoke to my heart, so I will continue to reflect on them.
In other news I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Hopefully she will have the results of my bloodwork so we can discuss them. I'm curious if it will reveal anything. I'm also planning to discuss the effects of Tamoxifen and see if she thinks it's "working." I will keep you posted!
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