A few things

Thanks for all your words of love and encouragement! You guys are the best. I think I'm dealing better today. Sometimes it's hard for me to be honest when I'm feeling down. In a strange way I feel as if it's my fault for being sad. As if I'm not trying hard enough to "handle" everything well. Does that make sense? This whole mess of emotions is so complicated!

I made an appointment with my doctor for next week. (The plan was to call her when/if I started my new cycle.) I guess we will discuss my bloodwork - which was better this cycle - and discuss where we go from here. I'm sure the first thing she will say is to just keep trying what we're doing now - the Tamoxifen and Prometrium seem to be working and my hormones levels seemed great on P+7. Obviously we have to give it a little time to work. As my hubby keeps reminding me, this was only my second full cycle after surgery and my first cycle on Prometrium. But my heart is already thinking, "Oh no, there must be another problem. This isn't working. What should we do now???"

I'm trying to make a list of questions I have for her. I guess I will inquire about the blood clotting disorder that Sew mentioned. Why not? I'm happy to get tested for EVERYTHING. Also, I have never had any sonograms done before and/or during ovulation. I wonder if that would be beneficial. What would my doctor be looking for if we did that? Any thoughts?

Here is what really confuses me... I have never had a problem ovulating and now that my endo is removed, it seems like my problem is all hormones. But I don't understand what EXACTLY is going wrong each cycle. Which part of this whole process isn't working? Are my follicles/eggs not fully developed? Or are they unable to be fertilized because of my hormones? Or are we conceiving and for some reason it's not able to be sustained? It's so frustrating because I know my doctor doesn't have the answers either. Even the medical professionals are in the dark about many aspects of infertility. Just one more thing for us to surrender.

I truly am glad that Lent is here. I am the kind of person that needs structure and goal-setting. Forty days always seems like a managable amount of time to work on something. I have chosen a few things to give up and a few things to add into my prayer life. I look forward to making these changes in my life! I know that whatever small things I do will bring some extra grace - and I could totally use it right now.

On a different note, are you familiar with Peter Kreeft? He is a Catholic apologist and professor at Boston College. He has written TONS of books on apologetics and he is a great speaker. A friend recently told us about downloading his talks online and my hubby and I have been listening to them. He's super smart, so his talks are more like academic lectures. But I highly recommend them if you're into that kind of thing. Just follow this link to download his talks.