Where am I???

Whoa, has it really been a week since I posted? I really have lost track of all time and space. Where am I? What's going? Ha ha... Since we live so far from our families, we generally travel for at least a week to see them. I feel like I've been gone forever! It's been soooooo wonderful to have all this quality, relaxing time with our families. But it's also been emotional at times. I often have some emotional swings while I'm home with my family, but it has been a bit stronger this trip. (I will have to post more about that later.)

Overall we have been having so much fun... celebrating all the Christmas traditions with both our families. We're in California right now and the weather is amazing - in the mid-70s during the day. Yesterday we were at the beach and it was so beautiful!! It's really weird to think that I haven't lived here in almost 8 years. That is so hard for me to believe. There is so much that I miss here, even though I know that I am right where God wants me to be.

Today we are going to the Rose Bowl Luncheon. I'm so excited! My goal is to get a picture with Pete Carroll (the USC coach) and my hubby wants to get a pic with Joe Paterno (the Penn State coach.) I'm keeping my fingers crossed! Tonight we'll just hang out with my parents and tomorrow morning we are celebrating "Christmas morning" with my family - including my brother and his wife. Then I will be focused on my friends wedding. So much going on!

I have kept you all in my thoughts and prayers, even while on vacation! You are never far from my heart. :)

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas everyone! We are having a wonderful and relaxing time here in Nebraska with my hubby's family. Our nieces are seriously the cutest things ever! They are 7 and 2 1/2 and are a ball of fun. We've been playing with them all day and night. Tonight we will go to Christmas Eve Mass and then open up all our presents. So fun!

On Sunday we will fly to California and do Christmas #2 with my family. I haven't been home since the summer so I'm really looking forward to being there. I love my life in Maryland and I know this is where God wants me to be.... but I still do miss my home! It's weird to think that I will probably never live there again. Life is funny (and mysterious.) I'm also a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding on January 2. It will be so wonderful to see her and celebrate her special day! She chose a black dress for us to wear and I really love it. This might be the first time I actually wear a bridesmaids dress again. :)

Merry Christmas everyone! I am counting my blessings during this holy season and thanking God for the many gifts in my life. I pray that we are all filled with peace and hope and joy during this time. May 2009 bring many, many blessings into our lives.

One Year Ago

One year ago we were in Hawaii for Christmas!!! We decided to have a non-traditional Christmas, ditched both our families, and flew to Hawaii on Christmas Day. I seriously can't believe it's been a year since then... where does the time go? I thought I'd post a few pictures from our amazing trip. It was so much fun for just the two of us to do something a little crazy and different. Although this year I am ready for all the traditional celebrations. It will be wonderful to see both our families. We fly out tomorrow morning! :)

Doctor's Follow Up

I had my post-op appointment with the surgeon yesterday. Overall it was pretty quick. We discussed the surgery and she showed me pictures from the laparoscopy. It's pretty cool to see inside of yourself! I had one good-sized spot of endo on my right uterosacral(?) ligament. She said it was growing pretty deep, but she was able to remove all of it. She also found one smaller spot of endo growing somewhere behind my left ovary. Everything else looked healthy and fine!

It's amazing to me how much of Endometriosis is still a mystery, even to the medical world. I was inquiring about how you get it, how it actually causes infertility, etc. Dr. L said that the main theory today is that you are probably born with it... when your body is being formed, the endometrium cells didn't make it into the uterus but got stuck outside and eventually develop into endometriosis. She also said they aren't exactly sure how it causes infertility. For some people with severe endo, it physically can block ovulation, fertilization or implantation. For others with milder cases, it can cause infertility chemically by screwing up the hormones. (My words, not hers!) Does all of this sound familiar to you? Is this what you all have heard too?

Dr. L would like to keep me on Tamoxifen to help regulate my hormone levels. (She said that the majority of endo patients do have some hormonal dysfunction - so there is a connection there.) Since I'm on Day 10 of my cycle, I will have to start up again next cycle. She ordered a Peak + 7 blood test to see what my levels are like. Although she did say, "Or maybe you'll be pregnant by then!" She said that based on my age, my health and the success of the surgery we have an 80% chance of conceiving. Those numbers are pretty good! But of course she warned me that some couples get prego right away, while others still take 1-2 years. You just never know.

Of course this is wonderful news! I am so grateful to God for a successful surgery and for finding the PROBLEM!! After all this time of mystery and confusion. It's been a whirlwind since the surgery... between recovering and the holiday craziness. I haven't really had time to reflect it all. Until yesterday, it hadn't really hit me that we had truly found the problem and hopefully solved it!

I am thankful for the gift of peace that the Lord has given me recently. It's too difficult to handle the high-highs and the low-lows. So I am not "expecting" much right now. I will just continue to wait and see and put it all in His hands.

Whew!

I can tell that things are crazy because I haven't posted in a couple of days. Where does the time go? The holidays are such a beautiful time of year, but it's difficult not to get overwhelmed and stressed out with so much going on.

I'm really trying hard to simplify as much as possible... that has been my mantra lately. In an ideal world I would have had all my shopping, wrapping, packing, shipping, baking, cooking, letter-writing, singing, rehearsing, grading, cleaning, and errand-running finished weeks ago! But alas, I live in the real world. :) Unfortunately we have missed quite a few events and parties in the last couple of weeks - partially due to my surgery. (My hubby's two work parties were both that weekend.) But sometimes it's just not possible to do it all. So I am trying to focus on what is most important and simplify the rest!

I have my women's prayer group this Thursday night and I am really looking forward to that. I feel guilty that I haven't made the most of this Advent season. I hope to have a little quiet time at adoration before going to my prayer group. Friday is our last day of school and Saturday morning we are heading out of town! We'll spend a week in Nebraska with my hubby's family and then a week in California with mine. Hopefully then we will truly be able to rest, relax, and rejoice in this beautiful season.

Oh, I wanted to post a picture of this beautiful wall-hanging that I found at Hallmark. As you can see, it's my quote! Not only do I take such comfort in the words of this passage, but everytime it pops up in my life I feel as if God is reminding me again to trust in Him. Every once in awhile I will hear it at Mass, see it in a card or something like that. I haven't decided where to hang it yet in my house, but I want to find a place where I will see it often!

Visit to Urgent Care

I ended up making a trip to the urgent care last night. My belly-button incision has been looking worse all week! Even though I had been treating it with hydrogen perioxide for a couple of days now. I wish I had asked the nurse at my doctor's office what they suggested if it didn't get better, but oh well.

Last night when we got home from work I showed it to my hubby and he suggested I get it looked at just to be on the safe side. The doctor swabbed(?) it to take a culture just to make sure everything was ok and put me on antibiotics for a week. My post-op appointment is next Wednesday with Dr. L, so I didn't want to wait that long to have it looked at! You just never know with infections. I had really hoped to do some other things last night instead of hanging out in the waiting room... but oh well! TGIF. :)

Feeling Good

Overall I continue to feel good this week! I am really looking forward to my follow up appointment next Wednesday. I have started coming up with a list of question for Dr. L and of course it will be good to hear from her about the surgery and see the pictures.

Thanks to everyone who has left comments everytime I ask for advice! I do think that my belly button incision was/is a little infected, but it seems to be improving. I called the nurse line at my doctor's office on Tuesday and they suggested washing it out three times a day with diluted hydrogen peroxide, so thankfully that seems to have helped. Also, I can't even begin to tell you HOW MUCH I've been bleeding these past couple of days! Seriously, I don't know where all the blood is coming from! Generally my charting looks like this when I start my period: M, H, H, L, VL, VL. So far I'm going on five straight H days. (Ok, as I'm typing this, I'm realizing that this might be the status quo for some of you!) But it's not usual for me, so it's got me a little concerned. I'm just not used to it. Especially since I'm not allowed to use tampons this cycle... that is making it a whole different experience for me. Ugh. It just feels gross, makes me feel tired and just overall "blah." Not to mention that it's tough as a teacher to run to the bathroom 100 times a day!

Ok, enough about that. Time keeps flying by so quickly. I can't believe that school will be out next week and then we're heading out of town! There is so much to do before then - I'm a little worried about getting it all done. I can't remember if I've posted about this or not, but we will get to see both families during the holidays this year, so that will be nice. We'll head to Nebraska first to spend a week with my hubby's family and then head to California to spend a week with my family. I am a bridesmaid in my friends wedding on Jan 2nd so I'm looking forward to that! I'm a little worried about packing for this trip - cold-weather clothes for Nebraska, warm-weather clothes for California, Christmas gifts for both families (including lots of toys for my two neices!!) and clothes/stuff for the wedding. Yikes! Unfortunately packing is LAST on my long list of things to do, so it will probably happen the night before we leave. ;)

Questions and Update

Those of you who've had a lap done... how many days did you bleed afterwards? When did your next cycle begin? Just curious because after the surgery I had a couple of days of bleeding followed by a couple of days of spotting until it pretty much stopped. All of a sudden last night I started bleeding again - pretty heavily - and it has continued today. I'm also feeling what I would consider my "usual" symptoms of my period. So I'm wondering if it's possible that my new cycle just happened to start. Today is technically day 24 of my current cycle (the surgery was on day 19.) How many cycles should be screwed up because of the surgery? Two? Any advice is appreciated!

Overall I'm feeling great. I did go home yesterday after lunch and just took it easy. Today I'm feeling fine, just low on energy. Also, I'm a little worried about my incision at my belly button. It's difficult to tell if it's healing ok - especially since it's in an area that gets a lot of movement - ya know? When I sit, stand, etc.

It has been so wonderful to be spoiled with cards, emails, casseroles, flowers, prayers and support. This whole ordeal has reminded me how much I am loved by the people in my life. I am so thankful for that!

Flowers and Feeling Good

I received more flowers (from my brother and sis-in-law) and thought I'd post another picture. They are so beautiful and I just LOVE having flowers in the house! It really brightens up the room and it makes me feel so special and loved.

Overall I'm feeling pretty good. I've taken these past four days to really take it easy and recover. It makes it really hard to go back to school tomorrow!! I will definitely go in the morning since it's a holy day and we have Mass. I have to direct the choir and make sure everything comes together (Mass days are pretty hectic at my school!) Depending on how I feel, I might head home around lunch time. My pain is pretty minimal at this point, but my energy is still pretty low. I don't want to overdo it! Let's be honest... I just want to keep staying at home! ;)

My Day at the Hospital

I meant to post again yesterday, but I didn't quite have the energy to do it. My pain medicine has really helped, but it also makes me groggy and lazy. I seriously laid around the house all day yesterday! I guess that's what recovery is all about. :) It doesn't necessarily make me sleepy, just slow and lazy. I've pretty much been in a fog since I got home.

Overall I'm feeling really good. I'm still pretty sore and tender around my incisions, but as long as I'm taking the pain pills and laying flat - I feel fine. It's once I start moving around that I get uncomfortable. One thing they warned me about (and maybe some of you experienced this as well) is the random pain in my shoulder. Apparently it's a result of the gas they put in me during surgery. It always catches me by surprise! But as soon as I get up, I get this sharp pain in my shoulder and sometimes in my side. So weird! I've also had a bit of a sore throat. Apparently that is from the tube they put down my throat as part of the anesthesia.

Well, here is the story of how Thursday went... we had to arrive at the hospital extra early since they had forgotten to draw my blood at my last appointment. (I don't think I ever posted about that, but I was so frustrated with my doctor's office! They really drop the ball sometimes on the logistics. Thankfully I have full confidence in their medical care, but it can be frustrating sometimes to work with them. AYWH - have you found this???)

Anyways, so we arrived around 6:30am for my 9:30 surgery. They took me back to the pre-op area pretty quickly and we were in that room from 7:00 until 9:30. Since this whole experience was brand new to me (never been in the hospital before and never had surgery) - I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. I was pretty surprised that so many different people came to see me - various nurses, nurse techs, etc. Unfortunately our first encounter with the medical staff was not great. This nurse didn't speak great English, and I understand that she didn't know exactly what I was having surgery for, but I think you will agree that her bedside manner wasn't very professional. This is how the conversation went:

Nurse: (while looking at my chart) You are young! Not married?

Me: Yes, I'm married. To him! (I point to my husband who is sitting right next to her.)

Nurse: Oh, I see. Have any babies?

Me: Nope, that's actually why we're here.

Nurse: Oh really? No babies yet? You work too much?

Me: No, that's not it.

Nurse: Oh, I see. I'm sure you will have many, many babies. So none yet, huh. How many babies do you want?

Me: As many as God gives us.

Nurse: Really?! Like how many?

Me: Well we've been trying and it hasn't work yet, that is why I'm having surgery today. So I will accept as many children as God gives us! (I'm getting a little worked up at this point.)

Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry. Don't worry. You will have many, beautiful babies.

That was pretty much the end of that conversation. After she left, my hubby and I were seriously astounded and annoyed. I looked at him and said, "Are you serious? Was that really our first conversation of the day?" Thankfully we didn't have any more like that one! Later that same nurse came back to start my IV and to draw my blood. At the same time another nurse came in and started asking me questions. Since I'm allergic to Penicillan she was asking me what antibiotics I take. I replied that I can't remember the last time I took antibiotics and that I didn't know. She proceeded to ask me the same question about 40 times!! She kept listing different kinds and asking me if they sounded familiar. I finally looked at my hubby and said, "Am I supposed to know this? I have no idea what antibiotic I should take." She also asked me why I needed my blood drawn that morning and what tests were supposed to be run. I told her that they took my urine sample at the office last week, but other than that I had no idea what else needed to be done. I knew the blood test was mostly to make sure I wasn't pregnant and that I didn't have any infections. I asked her to check my charts to see if the doctor has any of this written down. She seemed confused that I wasn't more helpful to her. When she left I said to my hubby, "Am I supposed to do my own surgery too?"

After all of that was taken care of, we pretty much just waited around for the surgeon to arrive. I was visited by the OR nurse, the anesthesiologist, and the nurse anesthetist(?) and then it was time to get started! I don't remember too much about them rolling me back to the OR. Although I do remember the nurse asking me how I was feeling. Then she said, "Oh, we have a giggler!" I remember being confused and thinking, "Why is she saying that? I'm not giggling." But apparently I was. ;)

Next thing I know I'm waking up in the recovery room. I remember feeling cold - I was shivering and my teeth were chattering - and I felt the urge to cough, so I pulled the mask off my face. After waking up a bit more, I started crying and couldn't stop! I felt embarassed and I said to the nurse, "I don't know why I'm crying but I can't help it." She told me not to worry and that it was a pretty common side effect of the anesthesia for young people. Crazy!

I stayed in the first recovery room for about an hour. I was slowly waking up and I actually was bleeding quite a bit. So she wanted to make sure that it was a normal amount, and nothing out of the ordinary. Finally I was rolled into the second recovery room where I flagged down a nurse to get my hubby. I was dying to see him because I knew that he would have the results! As I was waking up I just kept thinking, "It's over, what did she find? What did she find?" At one point I heard my doctor get paged to Labor and Delivery and I got worried that maybe she hadn't talked to my hubby yet! But thankfully she had spoken to him right away.

As soon as he came into my room he told me that she diagnosed it as mild endometriosis. It was mostly concentrated in one area, but there was a tiny spot in a second location. The one thing my hubby can't remember is where they were located. But apparently she showed him pictures and explained it all to him. She said everything else looks good - my ovaries and tubes all look normal. She was able to remove everything and she was pleased with the results!

I stayed in the second recovery room for probably another hour and half. When I got up for the first time I was super dizzy and had to sit down. That is such an awful feeling! I seriously thought I was going to pass out. But I probably had just gotten up too quickly. A little later I was able to walk to the bathroom and move around better. Then we headed home!

My hubby has been SO AMAZING!!! Seriously he is taking such good care of me. He has been cooking, cleaning and going to the store. He has been waiting on me hand and foot. It's been so wonderful! Overall I have felt so loved and cared for. I've received lots of messages and flowers and casseroles. It's been so nice. I haven't had too much of an appetite, but I have been addicted to Ginger Ale!! I can't remember the last time I had Ginger Ale, but they gave me some at the hospital and I've been craving it ever since. My hubby went out and bought some and I've been drinking it ever since I got home!

My follow-up appointment is Wednesday, Dec 17th. I will have my bandages removed (apparently I didn't get any stitches, just steri-strips or something like that) and she will go over all the details and pictures with me. I'm really curious how the surgery affected my current cycle and my next cycle. I've been bleeding (lightly) since the surgery... does that mean I'll still have a period next week? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Overall the experience has been pretty surreal. I am so grateful for a successful surgery and I have been thanking God that it all went well. Although, I'm surprised that I'm not jumping for joy at the news. (Ok, not really "jumping," but you know what I mean.) As I had written earlier, this truly was the best case scenario - mild endo that was removed and easily taken care of! I think I'm so used to protecting my heart and not getting my hopes up too high. I'm too cautious to start thinking, "This is it! Our problems are fixed!" Only time will tell. Right now I am happy with the results and truly thankful for a successful surgery. We will continue to take it one step at a time!

Well, if you've made it this far... thanks for reading such a long post! And thanks for all the love and support you've given me! It truly means so much.

Home... and feeling good!

Just wanted to post briefly to say I'm home and feeling good. Thanks for all your prayers! Dr. L found mild endo in two places - one was very small and the other was a "good size." She was able to excise both. I'll post more later with the fun hospital stories. For now I am praising God for a successful surgery and what seems to be good news! Thanks again for all your prayers and support. I was thinking of you during this day! :)

Advice?

So for those of you who've been here before... any surgery advice for me? All of a sudden, I feel like there are things I should be doing that I'm not!! What should I be doing?

Also, I was curious if your doctors spoke with you after the surgery. At my last appointment I forgot to ask her this question. When I asked one of the nurses she said that Dr. L would come out to speak with my hubby but probably would not see me until the post-op appointment (two weeks after.) Does that sound right? Also, should I expect her to have news and results immediately? Obviously she should tell my hubby what she saw and did, right? Just curious...

Flowers

These were waiting for me when I came home tonight... I just love getting flowers!! My hubby is such a sweetie. :)

I'm all anointed!

I had spiritual direction today with Fr. T and he gave me Anointing of the Sick. I figured that I can use all the grace I can get! I know my surgery is not that invasive, but of course there's always a risk with general anesthesia. Not to mention that I do feel "sick." Something is wrong with me, even though we don't know what exactly it is. I've had other prayers of healing said over me before during the past couple of years, but receiving the sacrament today was different.

While he was anointing me I felt the urge to pray, "I do believe that You can heal me... I do believe in You." Part of the sacrament included a reading from Matthew that describes the sick being healed by Jesus. During this time of infertility it hasn't occured to me to reflect on these passages from Scripture. Obviously the Gospels are filled with people being healed and cured from their various diseases. Although it seems that when Jesus healed people, it was an outward sign of his forgiving their sins - that was his main purpose, not the physical healing but the spiritual. I think that I will reflect on this during my adoration time this week.

Overall I'm feeling good about this week... a mix of anxiety and hopefulness. Surprisingly I'm also filled with a great amount of peace and surrender! (I recognize this is all by the grace of God.) I have this overwhelming sense that it is completely out of my hands. There is nothing for me to do but wait and see. Usually that is my cue to stress out! But for some reason God has given me this gift of peace. I really don't know what we'll do if the doctor tells me that she found no endo and nothing is wrong with me. But we will cross that bridge when we have to. For now, I will throw myself into this season of Advent - the perfect time for "waiting."

Adoration?

It's hard to believe that next week is December already! Where does the time go? Next Wednesday will be the first of the month. If anyone is interested in going to adoration and uniting our prayers, I will be there from 6:00 - 7:00pm. I'll be praying for you all! :)

Thanksgiving

We had a wonderful and relaxing Thanksgiving yesterday! We had always planned on staying home this weekend since we're traveling to see both families in December/January.

My hubby works for a large non-profit in DC that helps the homeless. They have an annual Turkey Trot fundraiser on Thanksgiving so we decided to attend that yesterday morning. It was great to see such a huge turnout for the event and it was a nice way to start the day.

Since we were down on the Mall, we decided to check out the American History Museum. It had been closed for over two years for renovations and just re-opened last weekend. We figured we'd be the only ones at a museum on Thanksgiving Day but it actually was pretty crowded. There was a line out the door when we got there, but it moved quickly. We didn't stay too long, mostly we just wanted to see the changes they had made to the architecture inside. They had some interesting exhibits which we'll have to check out later.

One exhibit that caught my attention was all about the pill. Can you believe it? An entire exhibit was dedicated to the invention of the pill and how it has revolutionized women's health. Now I can't argue that it has done that, but it was so disappointing to see it glorified in this way. I can't help but think about how women are being lied to and deceived. I was so surprised and caught off guard, I didn't even read it all. One section I did find very interesting was about the first scientist to create synthetic progesterone. Apparently he was able to derive the right chemicals from the root of some tree. Crazy!

We were back home around noon and spent the rest of the day eating and relaxing! We've been watching the John Adams series (from HBO.) Has anyone seen this? It's really great and brings the history alive. We watched a little football, talked to our families on the phone and I got a jump start on the Christmas cards.

This morning I pulled out all the Christmas decorations and started working on the house. I get so excited to decorate, I just can't help it! As I mentioned previously, I am trying hard to keep the true spirit of Advent alive. But our time home during the holidays is so short and I want to enjoy the house being decorated for as long as I can. Pretty much everything is set-up. The last thing left is to hang the ornaments! Once it's all together I will post a few pictures. I wish I could have you all over to my house for some apple cidar! :)

Feeling Good

I had my last appointment with my doctor today before the surgery. It was pretty quick and basically I just had to fill out some paperwork. She gave me some more details about the day of surgery and I scheduled my post-op appointment for two weeks after the surgery. I'm feeling really good about it all and I'm so THANKful that it's all set for next week. Oh, and no bowel prep for me! Just fasting from food/water after midnight. :)

Now that I have stopped stressing about the surgery date, I have started to think the possible results. It's only by God's grace that I haven't been consumed with obsessive thoughts this whole time! (Plus being super busy helps too.) Now I'm starting to think about all the "what ifs." What if they don't find any endo? What does that mean for us? What will we do next? What the HECK is wrong with me???? My ideal situation would be mild endo that is treatable - enough that has caused my infertility but mild enough to be "fixed." I really really hope this will be the case. But obviously I have no way of knowing. I just don't know what to think...

I'm not too nervous for the procedure itself. I know many of you have had this done - plus much more invasive surgery! But it is a little weird to think about being put to sleep and having someone inside my body. I've never had surgery before, never been in the hospital, never even broken a bone! So all of this is new to me. I'm not sure what to expect for recovery and how it will feel afterwards. I'm taking Thursday and Friday off from school. I figure I'll be feeling ok by Monday to go back.

After my appointment this morning I had lunch with a priest friend of ours, Msgr. P. It turned into me having lunch with three priests, which was pretty funny! Msgr. P works for the Archdiocese, so I met him at his office and the other priests ended up joining us. It was nice to catch up with Msgr - he was my spiritual director for a couple of years and he was one of the priests at our wedding. I have been so blessed with great spiritual leaders in my life. I don't take it for granted and I am so grateful for their gift of support and encouragement.

Sew Infertile - you will appreciate this - I went to the Shrine today and I thought of you! I had some time to kill between my doctor's appointment and lunch. My goal was to do a little shopping in the bookstore and do a little praying in the beautiful crypt chapel. Unfortunately I didn't end up getting much praying done! The bookstore/giftshop is so amazing there... they have the best religious gifts and I can't pull myself away from it all. I ended up with some nice Christmas gifts and some good stuff for my classroom. I had to settle for a quick prayer before I dashed off to lunch. :)

Good News

GOOD NEWS!! So everything is lining up just right for my surgery next week. Praise God! Seriously, thank you for all those prayers out there.

I spoke with the doctor's office yesterday and Dr. L is approved by my insurance company (just in the nick of time!), so she will be doing my surgery. I spoke with the nurse from the hospital and my surgery time is 9:30am - I'll have to arrive at 7:30am to get all checked in. Apparently the only instructions she had for me was to fast starting at midnight - oh, and I'm not supposed to wear my contact lenses. I hope I remember that morning to not put them in! I have one more appointment with Dr. L on Wednesday morning to finalize all the paperwork and do some bloodwork. Ironically, they have to make sure I'm not pregnant! Plus make sure I don't have any infections.

Other than that, all I have to do is wait! And if I haven't already mentioned it, that's not something I'm very good at. :) Thankfully things are still super busy around here, so the time is flying by. Today is my last day of school for the week. I'm REALLY looking forward to a nice, long, relaxing weekend at home. We're not traveling at all and that is fine by me!

I'm actually planning to "unleash" the Christmas decorations and get a jump on my Christmas cards. I even took out a few things last night - I can't help it! I just get so excited. Last night I took out my Nativity set and started putting it together. It's so beautiful and I just love it. (It's the one by Willow Tree.) Once it's set up I will post a picture. I got it two Christmases ago and obviously I only get to use it for a couple of weeks each year. I really try to keep with the Liturgical calendar and not skip Advent. I think it's so beautiful to celebrate all the seasons with the Church. (I did take out the Advent wreath last night too!) But since we always travel around the holidays, the time is even shorter for us to enjoy the Christmas decorations around the house. This is one area where I completely cave. Although I refuse to start playing or listening to Christmas music yet! Even though at church we have been rehearsing Christmas music since October. :)

I have a question for all you IFers out there... how many people in your life know about it? Just curious because I know everyone handles these things differently. I am struggling with whether or not to mention our IF in my Christmas letter this year. It is such a huge part of our life right now that I can't imagine NOT mentioning it. This year in particular I have shared our IF journey with more people. And the more that time passes, the more I want the world to know what we're dealing with. Especially since when we were engaged, my hubby and I told the world that we were hoping for eight kids at least. It became this joke and of course we opened ourselves up for comments from our friends/family. Now 3.5 years later I'm sure people are starting to wonder what's going on...

Ok, enough rambling for now. During this week of Thanksgiving I want you all to know how THANKful I am for our blogging community and for each of you. I remember you in my daily prayers.

BUSY week!

Whew! That is me breathing a sigh of relief after a busy, busy week. As I already mentioned, there are a ton of things going on at school and my evenings were also busy last week. My women's prayer group on Thursday night was great! I really enjoy getting to know these women better and sharing our faith journey together. The theme for our evening was Lectio Divina. I shouldn't be surprised by this, but it's amazing how rich and deep one passage of Scripture can be. We focused on a couple of verses from 2 Corinthians and everyone had a different reflection on how God was speaking to them through His Word. It was beautiful! Afterwards I felt so inspired and encouraged. We decided that after the new year we might start meeting every other week, instead of once a month. It was fun to have them over to my house! We haven't done much entertaining recently, and I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. I made some hot apple cidar that was really yummy.

Thankfully today is Saturday and there are some good college football games. It's FREEZING here in Maryland, so we're happy to stay inside and keep warm. We saw a few snow flurries this week, but nothing that actually stuck to the ground.

In terms of my surgery, I continue to feel hopeful about everything. Thankfully it's just over a week away! I will be getting a phone call from the hospital nurse on Monday to discuss pre-surgery preparations. I also have an appointment with Dr. L on Wednesday morning to finalize everything with her. I guess they have to do some blood work to make sure I'm not pregnant and that I don't have any infections. PLEASE PRAY that her insurance paperwork has been approved! We should know that by Monday.

Strange Week

It's been a strange week... I can't quite put my finger on it, but I've been feeling "out of it." I started out the week feeling stressed about my cycle. I was so confused about why it ended so quickly and (as you already know) I was nervous that it would affect my surgery. Thankfully it looks like that is not the case.

Another reason is probably that I am feeling super busy! This last month of school before Christmas break is going to be crazy... I have three Masses to plan and organize and my drama students will perform "The Christmas Carol" for the rest of the school. Not to mention grades, report cards, and all the usual things that keep me busy. Generally I like having my nights at home in order to feel balanced, so when my evenings are busy I tend to feel out of whack. This week I've had something going on every night after school - my faculty prayer group, school meetings, choir practice and my women's group meets tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to that, but I'm also leading the group and hosting at my house. So of course that requires some extra work!

Lastly, my heart has been sad this week... thinking about my friend Susan who passed away and the two families I know who lost their homes in the California fires. I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions. After tomorrow evening things should calm down over the weekend. Hopefully I can catch my breath then!

Oh, I wanted to mention a couple of grace moments I've had recently. The Jeremiah 29:11 passage has popped up in a couple of places (including the Entrance Antiphon at Mass this week) and it brings me such comfort when I see it. I feel as if this is "my" passage. When I come across it, I feel as if God is speaking directly to me... simply reminding me that He is there.

Two Updates

I spoke with my doctor's office this afternoon and thankfully it doesn't sound like my cycle date will be a problem for the surgery - yay! So far, so good. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that the insurance paperwork comes through for Dr. L. As of now, we're set to go for December 4th. I got a phone call today from the hospital to schedule a "phone date" with one of their nurses. She is going to call me next Monday afternoon to discuss my surgery preparations. I'm not quite sure what to expect...

On a different note, my friend Susan from graduate school passed away last night. I had mentioned her in an earlier post - she had been in a coma since late October. It was all so sudden and such a shock. She went from being perfectly healthy to gone in less than a month. I was not close to her and I hadn't seen her in a couple of years. But times like this make you reflect on the fragility of life... we take so much for granted! We know not the day or the hour when our life will end. Even when times are difficult, we should be grateful for the gift of life and the gift of another day. I pray that I might have this spirit of gratefulness!

Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord.
And may perpetual light shine upon her.
May the souls of the faithfully departed through the mercy of God rest in peace.
Amen.

Still Confused

I called my doctor's office yesterday with a handful of questions. I had to leave the questions on the nurse voicemail, although I confirmed that Dr. L was in the office. I called around 10:00am and it took ALL my strength not to call back in the afternoon to follow-up! I am hoping to hear back from them today and I WILL call this afternoon if they don't call first. One reason is that today is Day 3, so if my doc wants me to take Femara or Tamoxifen or anything else I'll have to pick up the prescription today. And of course the other reason is that I'm just impatient!

My biggest fear right now is that because of these wacky cycles, they might have to postpone my surgery. (Dr. L said that my cycle date would be important, but she didn't say why.) My hubby keeps telling me, "You don't know one way or the other, so why worry about it?" I proceeded to tell him that I can't help it!! I am just SO focused on getting this surgery done and SO anxious for the results. I am just really perplexed about this short cycle... I guess taking a new drug could have easily thrown my body off. I'll keep you posted if I get any updates today. :)

Help! What is going on???

I am really frustrated and confused with my cycle. I need help to analyze what is going on!

Today I woke up to a big surprise - AF arrived and it is now Day 1 of a new cycle. This means my last cycle was only 19 days!!! I have never (at least in my charting history) had a cycle this short. I had a couple of other strange occurances that led me to believe something was wrong this month... I had serious spotting on Day 10, and I don't usually have any spotting. Also, I had some decent mucus early in my cycle (Days 7-11) and then nothing afterwards. Usually I'm full of mucus all cycle long, it was strange to have none during Days 12-19.

I was a little worried last month because my cycle was only 24 days. Since April I have been taking Femara, Chrysin and Sudafed (this was to help decrease my mucus so I could better identify peak-type mucus.) My saliva test in August revealed good hormone levels and slightly longer cycles. I used to have 23-25 days, and after the drugs I was up to 26-28 days. My doc and I were so excited to see these changes and attributed it to the Femara.

When I met with Dr. L last month she suggested trying Tamoxifen for a month. She said it's similar to Clomid and she prefers using that with her patients. This is the only thing I can think of that would have an affect on my cycle. Do you think my body got all confused after being on Femara for 7 months and then I switched to Tamoxifen? Does anyone know much about this drug? Just curious how it is different.

I'm so disappointed by all this. My cycles have never been that bad, just a little short. I feel as if I've take two giant steps backwards! Could I have even ovulated in a cycle this short?

Also, Dr. L asked me last week what day of my cycle I would be on for my surgery. Now I'm worried this might cause a problem. Do you know what part of the cycle is preferable for an endo. laparoscopy? Any advice or input is greatly appreciated!

Another Intention...

My cousin lost her house today in the California fires. The ones burning in Orange County are very close to my parent's and my brother's houses. They should be ok, but it's a really scary time. I seriously don't remember this many fires burning when I was growing up. It seems like there is always something burning there now! Please pray for my cousin and her family.

Prayer Intentions

1. Sew Infertile - sounds like her surgery was successful. My prayer is for her to have a speedy recovery and that her body will now be healed of any IF problems!

2. ...and not by sight - for a healthy pregnancy!

3. My friend Susan who is currently in a coma. She and I were in graduate school together and I haven't seen her in a couple of years. Apparently she was feeling sick (flu-like symptoms) and then one morning her roommates couldn't wake her up. It appears that she has some sort of virus that is literally attacking her brain cells. (Eating away the myelin sheath that connects the nerves together.) She has been in a coma since Oct 26th and the doctors say there is nothing more they can do for her. The situation is very grim and very sad. Please pray for her family.

4. For the Culture of Life - the bishops released a statement this week about the sanctity of life. I hope and pray that their voices are heard.

Update

Being the PEST that I am, I called the scheduler first thing this morning to see if she was able to speak with both Dr. L and Dr. A (as she had said she would.) She basically said, "I just got in and havent seen them yet." Ha ha ha... although she had spoken with both yesterday afternoon.

Dr. L herself called me back about an hour ago to say that she is confident the insurance approval will come through quickly and we should be good to go for Thursday, Dec 4th. Although for paperwork sake, they are going to put Dr. A on the forms so they can start that hospital paperwork now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that all goes according to plan. Although if it doesn't, I have more peace today about waiting longer for Dr. L. While I am soooo anxious to have this done, I also don't want to waste my time by not doing it properly.

So I must confess, I'm getting a little freaked out by Sew Infertile's posts and all the comments. Until now, I haven't heard any of the pre-surgery details. Is there anything else I should be aware of??? If I stick with Thurs, Dec 4th I will probably just take-off work on Thursday and Friday. Would I also need the day-before to get ready? Any advice is appreciated!

Things are looking up...

I spoke with the surgical scheduler at my doctor's office again yesterday. Apparently my insurance company said they will have a decision about my doctor in 14 days (whether she's approved by them or not.) So that leaves me with two choices - (1) wait the 14 days, hope she's approved, and schedule my surgery then - most likely for sometime in December or (2) schedule now with another doctor in the practice for Thursday, Dec 4th. (This is the earliest date available for any doc in their office. Apparently Nov 28th was never a possiblity! What!?!)

I was so torn about what to do... Of course my first instinct (driven my impatience) is to schedule now with another doctor just to get this thing settled! I completely trust the other doctors in the practice, but on the other hand I'm guessing there is a reason Dr. B suggested Dr. L for my surgery. She was trained at PPVI with Dr. Hilgers so obviously that gives me a lot of confidence. She specializes in infertility, but the scheduler was telling me that Dr. A has done many, many endo surgeries - and she is the one available for Dec. 4th. I don't know what to think!

The scheduler suggested that since Dr. L is new to the practice, perhaps my doc suggested her for the sake of building up her clientele. Anyways, before we hung up the scheduler said she would speak to both doctors and get their input. She seemed to think I could start the paperwork with Dr. A right now for Dec 4th and if Dr. L is approved in 14 days then switch to her! We'll see how this all goes...

Frustrating News

I just got off the phone with my doctor's office and it is not looking good for having my surgery over Thanksgiving weekend. The scheduling office hadn't even received the orders yet from Dr. L, which apparently is the first step to getting on the hospital calendar. Also, she still is not "approved" by my insurance. The woman told me that they have been trying to get this paperwork sorted out since early spring! They thought it would take about 6 months, but it has not been processed yet. They have absolutely no idea when it will be finalized.

GRRRRR!!!! I am seriously the most impatient person ever! I can't bare the thought of having to wait even longer for this surgery. I know that many of you waited a long time to get on the PPVI schedule, so I should be glad that my process is going as "quickly" as it is. But still!! I feel like I should board a plane with Sew Infertile and head to Atlanta this week. :)

Dear Lord, please grant me patience during this frustrating time of waiting...

Beautiful Weekend and Interesting Article

As usual, we spent most of the day yesterday watching college football. It was a happy house since both our teams won! Thankfully we accomplished a few things around the house in addition to sitting on the couch all day. We must have done about 10 loads of laundry and I ironed about 20 dress shirts! Hopefully that will last awhile.

Finally this week all the trees around our house have dropped all their leaves! Check out these pics...

I swear we have some grass buried underneath those leaves!

Check out these monster oak trees behind our house... you can see where the leaves came from!

On a different note, my hubby came across an interesting article in the paper yesterday. It was titled, "Adoption's Numbers Mystery." The article points out that there are a lot of families wanting to adopt and there are a lot of children in fostercare who need good homes, and yet somehow everyone's needs are not being met - families go without children and childen go without homes. According to the article, the main reason is the ineffectiveness of the child welfare agencies. By far the largest number of children needing to be adopted are in the fostercare system - currently 129,000 children. There are fewer and fewer newborns available for adoption and less international adoptions than in the past.

The reason I bring up this article is because I found this number staggering - according to the National Center for Health Statistics, they found that currently 600,000 women are seeking to adopt children and there is no where near enough children to meet these needs. This is largely due to the fact that it is rare for any woman (no matter her age, marital status, etc.) to give up her child at birth. Women have numerous alternatives when they find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy and unmarried women feel no shame in raising a child alone, as opposed to the past when these women would have been more likely to put up their child for adoption. In 2007, less than 8,000 children were adopted in the US. That is unreal to me, considering how many families are trying to adopt!

I thought this was some good food for thought...

A few thoughts...

I found out today that two other friends (more like acquaintances) are prego. Nothing sends my "peace" right out the door like finding out about other pregnancies. I HATE to admit this! It makes me feel so shallow, bitter, jealous, and overall just really bad about myself. Of course I am happy for them... it just is such a painful reminder of what I'm missing. And both of these friends were married after me. For some reason that makes it worse. Listen to me! As if it were some competition! I guess it makes me feel REALLY behind, if that makes any sense. So that makes three pregnancy announcements for the week if you're keeping a tally...

My doctors office didn't return my call today, so I still don't have confirmation about my surgery date. I am trying not to be too annoying and flood them with calls. But at the same time, I've had scheduling issues with them in the past, so I get worried when I'm not hearing anything. I have a busy day tomorrow at school, so I might not even have a moment to call them. But I can't promise that I won't. :)

The reason tomorrow is so busy is because I scheduled a NET retreat for my 7th and 8th graders. Is anyone familiar with NET Ministries? (National Evangelization Team.) I have wanted to make this happen for a couple of years and I finally got it scheduled. I am really excited about it and I'm praying that all goes well. Hopefully a few seeds will be planted in these kids...

Um, I guess that's it for now. Tomorrow's Friday, so that is always good news. Another weekend of good college football - yay! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some big upset games so that my Trojans can move up in the polls!

Did you pray???

Did anyone make it adoration yesterday evening? Or say some prayers at home? Just curious if the first Wednesday of the month was a good choice! We can pick another night if it works better for more people... just let me know!

My quiet time with the Lord was wonderful. It was very peaceful and I was glad to just be in His presence. My offering was that God's will be done in all our lives - whatever that may be. Towards the end of my time in prayer I had a "mini-revelation." I don't know if I can really explain it, especially since it's nothing too amazing! But the phrase that came to my mind was, "It's all about You." (you being God, of course.)

I was reflecting on how often I am filled with prayer intentions (which are great!), sometimes prayers of thanksgiving and every once in awhile prayers of penance. But I'm not so great at prayers of adoration or praise on a regular basis. It's not until I'm silent before the Blessed Sacrament that I remember to simply praise God for being God. Period. Nothing else.

Our whole existence is about getting to heaven to be with God. Everything in our lives should be about that - about Him. But of course we are not perfect, and naturally we get caught up in the grind our daily lives and in the happenings of the world around us.

It's not easy to reach that ideal balance - being in the world, but not of the world. Being active (doing God's work in the world He gave us) and reflective (being quiet and alone with Him.) I am really going to try to have more silent prayer and meditation. This is sooooo difficult for me! But there is nothing like it - that total peace and surrender when you simply rest in the arms of the Lord.

On a practical note, I will be calling my doctor's office today! I really, really hope that my surgery date has been confirmed.

Phillipians 2:12-18

Today's second reading is SO APPROPRIATE for this day!!! Read for yourself what St. Paul had to say...

"Do everything without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine like lights in the world, as you hold on to the word of LIFE, so that my boast for the day of Christ may be that I did not run in vain or labor in vain."

Enough said.

Impatience

So, how long should I wait to call my doctor's office about scheduling my surgery?

My appointment was last Thursday and they said they would be calling me to confirm the date. Apparently there is one person in the office who handles these things. While my doctor told me some dates that she is free, they still have to confirm with the hospital. Not to mention they are waiting on the final paperwork from my insurance company - if you remember from my previous post, my doctor is still getting approval from all insurance companies since she is new to the area. She was hopeful that this would be speedy!

I'm thinking that one week would be pretty good to wait, don't you think? I'm hoping to hold out one more day and call them on Thursday to see what the deal is. Oh Lord, give me patience.

Give me strength...

So I found out today that one of my co-workers is pregnant. It's interesting because it didn't affect me quite as much as I thought it would. Perhaps it's because I was literally running through the faculty room and I overheard her telling people while I was on my way to class. I also had a really busy day, so I haven't have a ton of time to process.

It's always difficult to see pregnant women... strangers in the store, people in church, close friends, etc. But nothing is quite as challenging as watching someone go through the entire nine months on a daily basis. Even though I'm not super close with this co-worker, it's still the idea that I will be hearing about it and experiencing it for the rest of the school year.

My school is pretty small and like many school settings it's mostly all women. In my three years there at least one woman has been pregnant each year. It's strange now to look back to when I heard their "news" and wished it was my news.... many of these women aren't even at my school anymore, and of course I'm still here waiting.

I can't help but think how different my life would be if I would have been pregnant one, two or three years ago. No good can come from playing the "what if"game. So I will simply have to pray for wisdom and grace to accept things as they are.

Speaking of praying... if you are interested in praying together in adoration, I think we're going to try the first Wednesday of the month between 6-7pm. That means we would start this week. :) Again, if adoration isn't your thing - feel free to pray from wherever you are. Being united in prayer is so powerful. I'm really excited about this!

Adoration Anyone?

Many of you probably saw my post awhile back about planning a time for adoration. Is anyone still interested? I continue to be amazed at the ever-growing community that has been formed online. I feel as if I know many of you more intimately than some of my "real" friends! (You know what I mean...) This online network of support, love and encouragement is truly a gift from God. I think of you often and lift up prayers for everyone struggling on this difficult road of infertility.

A couple of weeks ago I was praying in adoration and I felt so connected to you all. That's when the idea hit me... if anyone was interested, we could pick a time to spend in prayer together. If adoration isn't your thing, that's ok! Being united together in prayer is the goal. I invite anyone interested to join me.

With all of our different schedules (and different time zones!) I'm sure this won't be easy. So here's what I was thinking - if you want to be part of this, post a comment with days/times that might work for you. We can go from there!

A Sweet Prayer

May all that I am today, all that I try to do today, may all my encounters, reflections, even the frustrations and failings all place my life in your hands.
Lord, my life is in your hands. Please, let this day give you praise. Amen.

Appointment Update

I finally had my much-anticipated doctor's appointment today and I'm not quite sure what to make of it all. I will give you the update and as usual I'd love any feedback you have!

Overall, the appointment was pretty much what I expected, with a surprise examination thrown in for fun. :) (At this point, I guess I should always be prepared for a physical exam, but somehow I'm always caught off guard!) This was my first time meeting Dr. L and she was great. We spoke very briefly about my history and what tests and treatments we've already explored. She mostly agreed with everything that Dr. B has done thus far. She commented on the value of taking Femara and the range of opinions that physicians seem to have on its effectiveness. (Has anyone heard much about this? Potential negative side effects for babies born after the mother has been on it? Just curious...) She mentioned that in addition to Femara and Clomid, she likes using Tamoxifen. Even after I asked her a few questions, I still wasn't able to figure out the difference. She decided it would be good for me to try it for at least a month. Thankfully today was Cycle Day 3 and I hadn't picked up my Femara prescription yet - so I was able to start it today.

Of course the main purpose of the appointment was to discuss and schedule my laparoscopy. She agreed that its time for me to pursue this course, especially since everything else in our fertility is seemingly "good." My hubby is healthy, I'm ovulating, and my hormones seem to be more normal. She was still concerned about my estrogen and progesterone levels, and also my short luteal phase. She thought they could be related to endo, but couldn't be certain.

Thankfully we should be able to schedule the surgery pretty quickly. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the day after Thanksgiving. Her schedule is wide open, the only possible snag is some paperwork. She is still relatively new to the area and hasn't completed all the necessary paperwork with all the insurance companies, including mine. As of this moment, she is not approved by them. But she assured me that she has been working on this for awhile and it should go through at any moment. I really hope this doesn't end up causing a long delay. You just never know when it comes to insurance companies and paperwork!!

She did a physical exam as part of the pre-op preparations... at this point my hubby made a speedy exit out the door! :) She said I would most likely have to come back into her office for one more appointment before the surgery.

So now I'm left with many thoughts, emotions and more WAITING! Waiting, waiting, waiting... I am thanking God it doesn't seem that I'll have to wait too long. I am trying to keep a balanced perspective on things, which is difficult. Sometimes I can't tell what is a rational thought and what isn't. Am I right to hope that this could be the solution I've been waiting for all along??? I can't tell you the last time I actually let my mind wander about being pregnant, having a baby, etc. I have been so guarded that I haven't gone down that road mentally in a loooong time. It's just too painful to go there because I've been disappointed too many times.

Also, it's hard not to think - what if this doesn't work? What if I don't have endo? Or what if she opens me up and finds something else going on? It's the not-knowing that is so difficult. We don't seem to have too many other options left after this. What if we are that couple that everything is just a mystery??

I will continue to hope and pray for patience and for God's will to be done. I was able to swing by adoration for a quick visit on my way home, so that was nice. I am trying my hardest to surrender this whole situation to God and His Divine Providence. I really have connected with the image of God being the artist who is constantly making and molding us. I pray for the faith to trust that I am in good hands.

On a lighter note, I had to kill some time in Target while I was waiting for my prescription to be filled. This can be very dangerous!!! Target is my absolute favorite store and my total weakness... I usually come home with groceries, decorations for the house, a pair of earrings and maybe even a new piece of furniture. My hubby always gets nervous when I'm there for too long. Thankfully I didn't splurge too much today. But I did come home with a bunch of Christmas cards... can you believe it? All the Halloween stuff was gone and they had aisle after aisle of Christmas things. CRAZY! I love, love, love writing Christmas cards... and my one rule is that I won't send non-religious cards. But sometimes it can be hard to find really good ones. I found a couple that I really liked, so I bought two boxes of each. Maybe I will get them all written while I'm recovering over Thanksgiving weekend! :)

Ugh

So I was right... yesterday became Cycle Day 1. Which means my cycle was only 24 days this month!!!! I'm so bummed. I don't understand why it was so short this time. I realize that there are many, many factors at work. But still, my cycles have been nice a "long" for about 6 months now. Oh well, I guess I can bring this up at my doctor's appointment tomorrow!

Magnificat Reflection and Cycle Update

Do any of you subscribe to Magnificat? It's basically a missal that has the daily readings, liturgy of the hours, and daily reflections. I've subscribed for a couple of years now and it makes a nice companion during daily Mass!

Anyway, I was really struck by Monday's reflection. It was written by Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade - the same author of the exerpt I posted earlier from my women's group! I think it's a sign that I really need to get his book. The title of Monday's reflection is "Living According to God's Schedule." He says,

Why do you take pleasure in tormenting yourself, as you do, over the future, when your faith teaches you that the future is in the hands of a Father who is infinitely good, who loves you more than you love yourself and who understands your interests far better than you? Have you forgotten that everything that happens is directed by the orders of divine Providence? If we know this, how can we hesitate to remain in a state of humble submission, in the most trifling as in the greatest events, to all that God wishes or permits? How blind we are when we desire anything other than what God wishes.

I am firmly convinced that we should all be lost if God gave us all our desires, and that is why God, in his mercy and compassion for our blindness, does not always grant our prayers, and sometimes gives us the contrary of what we ask as being in reality better for us.

I take a lot of comfort in this passage and it further reminds me to surrender, surrender, surrender. Yet that doesn't mean that it's easy! I go from having a great day filled with peace and hope, to have a really down day filled with sadness and confusion.

I'm sure part of why I'm feeling these ups and downs right now is that my cycle is very clearly ending. I'm on day 25 and I was expecting to last at least a couple more days, but it seems that today will soon be cycle day 1. Since taking Femara and Chrysin I've been having 26-28 day cycles (as opposed to my old 24-25 days.) I'm not sure why my cycle would be shorter this month...

Honestly, all that I can focus on is my doctor's appointment on Thursday. Since it was rescheduled to 11:30am, I decided to take a sick day and get a sub for my classes. It would have been too much running around by the time I picked up my hubby, drove to the appointment, took him back, etc. It will be nice to have some unexpected free time that day! Not to mention I'm sure I will be sooooo distracted, both before and after the appointment.

So here's a question for you all... do people with endo have stronger PMS? I can't tell if I'm imagining things or what, but I seem to be having more cramping and bloating than before. So as you can imagine the first thing that pops into my head is, "This is proof that I do have endo!" I seriously need to have this surgery ASAP so that I stop playing mind games with myself. It's just so difficult not knowing!!

A Great Weekend

My hubby and I had a wonderful weekend. I can't remember if I mentioned this or not, but he won two nights at a hotel in our area - about 30 miles away - close to where we both used to live. The gift certificate had to be used by the end of October, so we decided it would be a belated birthday celebration. It was so fun! I picked him up from work on Friday and we went out to a nice dinner. ("Nice" for us means not fast food!) Besides being a yummy restaurant, it holds sentimental value for us. Way back when we had just started dating (January 2003) we had dinner and our DTR talk there. Do you know what I'm talking about? A "define the relationship" talk. It's where we decided we were offically more than friends. :) The restaurant is not super close to our house now so we don't get there very often. It was so fun to reminise and think back to the time before we were married. It's really hard to remember those days!

After dinner we just had a relaxing night in the hotel. Saturday morning we went to Starbucks, enjoyed our morning coffee and read - one of our favorite things to do! In keeping with our usual Saturday morning routine we watched "College GameDay" on ESPN. Since the Nebraska game was on at 12:30pm we decided to walk to a sports bar and watch it there. Again, this was another stroll down memory lane for us. We had been to this bar during our time dating and hadn't been back in awhile. It was a great location to watch the game. Unfortunately the USC game wasn't on until 10:15pm on Saturday night. We knew the hotel didn't get the right channel, so we decided we'd skip the second night at the hotel and just head home. This made Sunday morning easier too, since I was singing for the 10am Mass. Thankfully both our teams won, so we were in a good mood!

One last highlight of the weekend was that we purchased my new set of golf clubs today! I am so excited about them. I have had three lessons now and I'm really feeling good about my progress. Obviously I'm not planning to go pro or anything, but I just want to be good enough to have fun playing with my hubby. I used my birthday money from my parents and my in-laws to get them. As soon as we picked them up we went to the driving range to hit some balls. It's fun for us to share this hobby. Hopefully I can continue to improve! Especially since the weather is turning colder, I don't want to forget everything I've learned.

Well, my re-scheduled doctor's appointment is for Thursday at 11:30am. I hope the rest of the week goes by quickly! I'm really anxious about this appointment and I just want it to be here now. Thankfully I didn't have to wait even longer, especially since we will be scheduling my surgery at this appointment. I'm so curious how soon it will be. It seems clear that my prayer for the next couple of days will be for patience! Ha, what else is new... :)

Adoration Idea

As part of our new women's prayer group, we decided to meet for a holy half-hour before starting our session. I'm ashamed to say that I haven't been to adoration for a couple of months, so it was great to spend some quiet time with Jesus. I lifted all of you up in prayer and I felt so close to you all. (I shouldn't be surprised that the Blessed Sacrament would do that!) An idea crossed my mind, so I'll share it with you...

I thought that maybe we could schedule one day a month when we would all go to adoration (possibly at the same time) and unite our prayers. Anyone interested? Think it over and let me know if you are interested.

Abandonment to Divine Providence

Our women's prayer group had it's second meeting last night. I am so excited about this group! It was such a wonderful time to gather in prayer and fellowship. It is such a gift to feel the support and encouragement of fellow "travelers" on this road of life. Even though the six of us are going through very different life experiences (some married, some with kids, one just out of the convent, etc.) we are all trying to pursue holiness. We are all trying to know and do God's will. This is what unites us together.

My friend J led the group last night (we are each going to take turns leading) and the theme was Abandonment to Divine Providence. She is currently reading a book by the same name, so that is where her inspiration came from. One section from the passage really struck me, so I thought I would share it with you. The author is comparing our surrender to God's will to an artist creating a masterpiece...

In the state of abandonement the only rule is the duty of the present moment.

It is true that a canvas simply and blindly given up to the work of the pencil only feels its movement at each moment. Each blow of the hammer on the chisel can only produce one cruel mark at a time, and the stone struck by repeated blows cannot know, nor see the form produced by them. It only feels that it is being diminished, filed, cut, and altered by the chisel.

A stone that is destined to become a crucifix or a statue without knowing it, if it were asked, "What is happening to you?" would reply if it could speak, "Do not ask me, I only know one thing, and that is to remain immovable in the hands of my master, to love him, and to endure all that he inflicts upon me. As for the end for which I am destined, it is his business to understand how it is to be accomplished; I am as ignorant of what he is doing as of what I am destined to become; all I know is that his work is the best and the most perfect that could be, and I receive each blow of the chisel as the most excellent thing that could happen to me, although, truth to tell, each blow, in my opinion, causes the idea of ruin, destruction, and disfigurment. But that is not my affair; content with the present moment, I think of nothing but my duty, and I endure the work of this clever master without knowing, or occupying myself about it."

Yes! Give to God what belongs to Him, and remain lovingly passive in his hands.

Isn't that so great?? I was so struck by this passage. It was such a concrete image for me to meditate on... this idea that we are stone or clay or a canvas in God's hands. He truly is the master who is creating us, shaping us, and molding us. That image of the stone being struck with blows of the chisel is often how we feel during our dark times. And yet, we must hold fast to the hope that it is through this formation that we are being created anew. (Easier said that done, of course.)

The book is written by a French author, De Caussade, and I am going to get it for my next spiritual reading!

Calm and Blessings

Thanks for all your supportive comments... it truly gives me so much encouragement. I am finally more calm about the situation with my doctor's appointment. I'm still terribly disappointed! But really, next week will be here soon enough. And the whole thing could have been much worse. It's hard to see the bright side of things when you're upset, but here are a few blessings in the situation:

1. The doctor's office called when I was at my desk and I actually picked up! (This rarely happens when I'm at school.)
2. The woman simply said, "I'm calling to remind you about your 4pm appointment." It was me who followed up with, "And that's with Dr. L, right?" I'm not really sure what possessed me to ask this, probably since this is my first appointment with her and not with Dr. B - my regular doctor. It was at this point where she said, "No, you're actually scheduled with Dr. M."
3. This whole situation would have been so much worse if I had left school, picked up my husband from work, and driven all the way to the appointment only to find out that she wasn't there. THIS HAS ALREADY HAPPENED TO ME ONCE!! (Sorry for the yelling.) I'm not sure if this office always has this much trouble, but I have already had an appointment mix-up with them. I'm very thankful this one was caught before I actually drove to the office.

On another note, I've had a wonderful start to my birthday today! My students surprised me with a little party in my office. They had balloons (in USC colors), cupcakes and little confetti-poppers. It was so cute! My hubby and I will celebrate more this weekend. He won a two-night stay at a hotel not too far from us... so we're going to spend the weekend there! There's something about staying in a hotel that is fun, especially when it is a nice one. So I'm looking forward to watching football all day on Saturday in our room! We might even venture out to a sports bar for lunch or dinner. ;)

AHHHH!!!

Ohmygosh... I am so frustrated. My doctor's office just called to remind me about my appointment tomorrow - WITH THE WRONG DOCTOR!!! They had me scheduled to meet with a doctor I had never heard of before. Apparently they coded it in wrong when they scheduled my appointment SIX WEEKS AGO! Can you tell I'm frustrated?

I literally just got off the phone with them... and I can't talk about it with anyone at the moment... and I have to go teach in 5 minutes. I'm so mad. I'm so frustrated!

Thankfully I rescheduled for next week, but that feels like an ETERNITY! You IFers out there know how much we count down the days to our appointments. And this was a biggie! I really don't want to have to wait another week. Grrrrrr....

Sorry for the negativity. I just had to vent!

Big Week

Time flies by so quickly, doesn't it? When I scheduled my next doctor's appointment it was mid-September and October 22 seemed soooooo far away! Now, of course, it's almost here. It's sounds strange to say but I really am excited for this appointment. I am very curious to meet Dr. L, to hear what she has to say about my situation (hopefully she will look at my charts - and not just the minute before she walks through the door!), and most importantly what she will say about my surgery. I know many of you have had laparoscopies, but I'm still very curious about all the logistics. Also, Dr. B said it shouldn't be a problem to schedule it as soon as we're ready, so I have been thinking that the surgery will be very soon. But who knows, Dr. L could have something different to say. Or her schedule could be really busy! Hopefully it won't be too far away. Mentally I have been planning on November...

Wednesday is also my birthday! The big 2-9. I can honestly say that this is the first birthday I have ever felt old. REALLY old. And that makes me sad. I have always been considered young... all growing up I was young for my grade, I've always been younger than most of my friends, and even at work I'm one of the "young" teachers. A lot of my co-workers tell me, "oh you're just a baby!" That being said, I feel like the LAST woman on earth to get pregnant and that makes me feel old. As I was saying earlier, the time just flies by so fast. What did I do during ages 26, 27 and 28? I can't really say! I thought getting married at 25 was just perfect... not too old, not too young. I was all set to be pregnant at the "perfect" age too. I'd hate to think how I'd feel if I was turning 30 this year. So of course in my mind I'm thinking, "As long as I'm pregnant before I'm 30 I'll be ok." I should know better by now to not even let those thoughts enter my mind. I can't tell you how many milestones have come and gone that I was hoping to be pregnant by.

As I type this I'm reflecting on what a control-freak I can be. I don't doubt that God is trying to teach me to be more patient and to surrender to His will. His timetable is clearly not my timetable. Even after three years of this journey I am STILL trying to learn this lesson.

On a side note, I got the best birthday present today - a love letter from my hubby! He asked me what I wanted for my birthday and this is what I wanted. He's actually out of town tonight and he left it on my night stand. It was so sweet! Just what I needed.

A Good Day

I just love Saturdays at home... especially in the fall because football is on, of course! I have had a very productive day. Woke up early, did some cleaning around the house - including both bathrooms, worked out on our elliptical machine, finished grading papers and currently I'm washing all my fall/winter clothes that have been in storage. I love to feel productive! I'm also trying to enter my progress report grades for school, but there seems to be an issue with the server. Hopefully it will be fixed soon because I don't have the time to do it tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a typically busy Sunday for me: I'm singing for two Masses in the morning, we're having lunch with some friends (and meeting their new baby boy for the first time) and then we have youth group in the evening. I have been so blessed by my part-time jobs at Church, but it sure keeps me busy on Sundays. I am a cantor at one parish and my husband and I lead the youth group at another parish. Both opportunities fell into my lap and we really have been blessed by them. The extra money has been a tremendous gift and my life has really been enriched by both of these communities. Because of my involvement with the music at St. Raphael's I was able to sing for the Pope in April when he was in DC. It was truly an amazing experience!

Reflecting like this is good for me... it helps me to see the gifts and blessings that all too often are clouded by the darkness in my life. I am striving to have an attitude of gratitude (ok, I stole that line from Oprah. ha ha...) But honestly, I have so much to be grateful for, it is a sin to not acknowledge all that God has given me.

So I'll start with being grateful for the awesome USC game that I'm watching right now... we're up by 41 points at halftime. Woo-hoo!

Pics from our trip

Last week we spent a few days in North Carolina and Tennessee. It was SO WONDERFUL to get away for a long weekend! First we attended a wedding in Winston-Salem, NC. It was so beautiful. I've always loved weddings, but especially since I've been married now I like them even more. It takes me back to our special day and in a way I feel as if I'm renewing my vows.
Not to mention that my hubby usually gets teary-eyed during the ceremony and I always love that. :)

My husbands parents met us there, so it was a great excuse to see them and to extend our trip for a few extra days. We drove to the Biltmore Mansion in Asheville, NC and then moved on to the Great Smoky Mountain National Park. We love to camp and hike and pretty much do anything outdoors. October is seriously the perfect time to visit these places because all the leaves were changing colors. Here are a few pics from our trip!

I'm Back!

Ok, so I'd like to blame my lack of recent posts to being out of town... but that's only partially the reason! I seriously haven't felt this busy in a long time. The upside of this is that being busy = being distracted. It's amazing how much I appreciate being distracted from thinking about my IF... it helps me live in the present and it really forces me to put my energy in other places. Also, it helps the time go by more quickly! This is especially helpful when I'm waiting for a doctor's appointment. My next appointment is on Wednesday, October 22nd - which also happens to be my birthday. My husband asked me if I minded spending my birthday at the doctors and I actually said, "Not really, I'll consider it a birthday gift." :) That is pretty sad. But I think a lot of you can relate. Even when my appointments aren't going to reveal much, I still cling to them as if they will! For me it feels like one of the only concrete things that I'm doing to help improve my fertility.

That being said, this will actually be an important appointment. My doc suggested that it is now time to have a laparscopy to look for and treat endo. He recommended that another physician in his office perform the surgery - Dr. L - because she is NaPro trained and apparently has had much success. Next week will be my first time to meet with her and to schedule the surgery. Dr. B seemed to think there wasn't much of a "waiting list," so I hope that means we can schedule it soon! I am actually thinking that the week of Thanksgiving will be ideal since I already get a few days off from school. Being a teacher, it's tough to take too much time off. We weren't planning to travel for the holidays, so it's not too big of a deal to me to spend that week recovering. I will keep you posted!

Catching Up

I really am trying to be a good blogger (for whoever is reading this out there!) Honestly, each day this week I have had a few good ideas about an entry and now is the first chance I've had to do it! I have been SUPER busy with things going on at school (I am a teacher) and I just happened to have something every night this week as well. Not to mention that I've had a nasty cold since Sunday... sore throat, congestion, headache and cough. Thankfully today I'm finally feeling better. It's very hard to teach without a voice! Each night I have come home and totally collapsed on the couch. The one perk is that my hubby has done the dishes almost every night this week! Ha ha... And to top it all off we are leaving super early tomorrow morning for a road trip. We're heading to North Carolina for a wedding and we're extended the weekend to visit Asheville, NC and then the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee. It should be fun!

Anyways, that being said I do have a few reflections to share. A friend of mine commented on how many new things I have been doing lately - both personally and professionally. After reflecting on this a bit I have come to the conclusion that this is a good sign that I'm living in the present, and not just "waiting" for my real life to begin. I totally confess that I've held off on doing many things thinking that, "oh, soon I'll be pregnant and have kids so I shouldn't even bother with that." I NEVER thought I would be starting my fourth year teaching! Our plan was for me to work one year and then stay home with our babies. Each year I have told myself, well I guess THIS will be the last year. And now I'm in my fourth year... it really is hard to believe. So finally this year I have come into my own a bit and I'm really proud of the new things I've started at school. One of which is a faith-sharing group for the faculty/staff. We've only met twice so far, but it's been really nice to form this community with my co-workers.

Similarly, I started a women's prayer group with another friend of mine. (I think I mentioned her in a previous entry.) We met tonight for the first time and it was such a gift to get to know these women and to pray together. Even though we have totally different things going on in our lives, we are all struggling to find peace about our situations. Most importantly, we are trying to learn and follow God's will for our lives. I am really excited about our group... we are going to meet once a month and each take turns leading. We also decided to meet for a holy half-hour before since the parish close by has perpetual adoration.

On a lighter note I have started taking golf lessons! My husband loves to golf and I guess I should consider myself lucky that he wants me to learn since a lot of men like golf to be their outlet away from their wives! We've talked about this for awhile now, but finally I started taking lessons and I'm even going to get my own set of clubs. I don't have high hopes for my golf skills, but I just want to be good enough to enjoy playing a round every once in awhile. It will be fun for us to share this hobby, both now and later when we're old and retired.

Well, I'd better end this. We're leaving super early tomorrow morning! I promise I will write more next week when I return. :)

"Hoping" for Endo...

So today is cycle day 1... you all know how much fun that can be. ;) Actually, I told All You Who Hope that it's actually not as bad as it used to be for me. I've pretty much resigned myself to expect my period when it comes. I haven't had many pregnancy expectations in a long time. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I can't decide if this is me being realistic and protecting my heart... or if this is me being hopeless and despairing. That being said, this cycle was a little different because my doctor was so hopeful for me during my last appointment. Even though we decided the laparoscopy is my next step, he kept saying "maybe you won't end up needing it after all!" My last test results showed that the Femara has really had an effect on my cycle and my hormones seem to be more normal. So I did sense a little hope creeping in during the past month. But it's still not clear if the hormone thing has been my infertility problem or not. Hence the laparoscopy.

Soooo, now I find myself hoping for endometriosis. Is that wrong??? I keep thinking how wonderful it would be if they find the endo, treat it and all my problems are solved. Obviously there is a chance that this can actually happen. (Especially since my doc is at a loss for what else could be wrong with us.) However I don't really trust my perspective. Is this likely to happen? Am I right to hope for this? I really have lost sense of what is realistic or not. I think this is one side-effect of IF... having crazy, emotionally-driven hopes and expectations. Throw in a big dash of impatience and fertility drugs that play with our hormones. No wonder we have such dramatic ups and downs. Dear Lord, please help us all.

Things that I am thankful for...

1. The fall - I absolutely love this time of year! Especially now that I live on the East Coast, after growing up in California, it's so beautiful to watch the leaves change color and to feel that chill in the air. I am looking forward to baking apple pies, drinking hot chocolate, pulling out my fall/winter clothes and switching to flannel sheets on my bed! (I know, I'm such a dork.) But seriously, there is something refreshing about change. I also love the start of a new school year - I always did as a student and I still do now as a teacher. It's such a gift to have a fresh start every year.

2. College football - My husband and I are huge college football fans. We both are extremely passionate about our teams and we pretty much spend every Saturday on the couch. We just love this time of year! It's really fun that we have this in common and we were even on ESPN last year! Our teams (Nebraska and USC) played each other last September and so of course we went to the game. (Along with both our families!) We uploaded the clip to Youtube so maybe I will have to post the link sometime... it's pretty funny!

3. Daily chats with my parents - It's amazing how living 3,000 miles away from my family has brought me so much closer to them. Pretty much every day on my way home I call my mom or dad. We don't always chat for very long, but I feel so close to them, despite the many miles between us. I NEVER EVER imagined that I would be living this far. (One of the many surprises God had in store for me on this journey of life.) I know that my family misses me a ton, so I am really thankful for these chats that keep us connected.

4. My super amazing hubby - I realize this should probably go up to the top of the list (instead of being behind fall and football!) But this is not in order of importance. I hope that I never take my husband or the gift of our marriage for granted. He truly is the best gift I have ever received. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him! Despite all the darkness that we are going through right now, I know that no matter what happens we will handle it together. He is my partner in everyway and we were truly made for each other. I pray for the grace to be a good wife and to do my job of helping him get to heaven.

5. A cup of coffee and a good book - I absolutely love to sit down with a cup of coffee and a good book. (Right now I am reading Pillars of the Earth and I'm almost finished - all 1,000 pages!) It's interesting how during these past couple of years of trying to conceive I have really felt as if my life has been "on hold." In some ways I've actually resented all the free time I have because I know that if I was a mom, I wouldn't have so much of it. (Isn't that silly?) That being said, I am really trying hard to embrace the present - and this includes being thankful for the time to just sit and read!

6. Blogs and Facebook - While I admit there are pros and cons to too much time on the internet, I have been able to connect and reconnect with so many friends this way. It's been fun to catch up with so many people in my life.

Well, this list isn't very comprehensive... but it just happens to be the things on my mind right now. Thank you God for all these gifts.