What the what???

I woke up to discover that today is Cycle Day 1. Grrrr. I am so frustrated that my cycle wasn't longer! (Like 9 months longer. Ha ha...) Obviously my first wish is that last cycle would have "worked" and we might have conceived. But if that wasn't possible I was hoping for a nice long luteal phase. What's the deal? If my charting was correct, my peak day was last Monday. That means I only had 8 days past peak. What does that mean?

This cycle lasted 25 days which used to be normal for me. Once I started taking Femara last spring my cycles starting to last around 28-29 days. Then pre-surgery when I took Tamoxifen things started changing... I had one really short cycle (19 days), then my surgery cycle (no drugs), my first post-surgery cycle (no drugs) lasted about 26 days and now this is my first cycle post-surgery with the Tamoxifen. I just don't know what to think. And I'm frustrated.

I know I need to be patient. I know the body needs time to heal and re-adjust. But how long does it take for hormones to respond to the drugs? How long does it take for hormones to "normalize" after removing endo? How long will it take for me to become a mother??? Obviously this is the real question my heart is asking.

Here are some positives:
1. I had my blood drawn on Monday. Hopefully that will reveal something about my hormone levels. I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday so I can discuss the results with Dr. L and talk about where to go from here. I've only taken Tamoxifen two cycles now, but I'm not very happy with the results. I guess I will call the office to see if she thinks I should try it again this cycle. My guess is that she does.

2. At least with short cycles I can "start over" again more quickly. I guess it's better than having really long cycles. (I realize that this logic is silly because it has nothing to do with treating the problem. But somehow it makes me feel better!)

3. Today is Snow Day #2 so I get to stay home and relax with my hubby. I have already warned him that I will probably be consuming a lot of chocolate today. I already made waffles and bacon for breakfast!

I just finished reading "Left to Tell" by Immaculee Ilibagiza this morning. (I love the luxury of reading all morning!) I am so inspired by her faith. She suffered the worst possible terror, violence, horror, and suffering imaginable during the Rwanda genocide. And yet she didn't lose hope or faith. Prayer became her life and she put all of her trust in the Lord. As the reader, it seems that it was so easy for her. But I'm sure that it wasn't. I keep thinking, "my situation is nothing compared to what she was dealing with. Why can't I just have an ounce of the faith she did?" I need to remember that she fought some serious spiritual warfare. It wasn't always easy. Also, her story seems to have a happy ending. Yet nothing is that simple. She still must carry the baggage of what she suffered. And her story has the benefit of hindsight. She can look back to see how God's hand was guiding all of the events of her life. I need to remember that I am still in the middle of my story. I shouldn't expect the same kind of peace that she now has.

I pray for a faith as strong as hers. It's difficult to continue to hope that this new cycle might somehow be different. But I will try...

Snow Day!

Today I got an unexpected suprise with a snow day! I knew we were going to get some winter weather, but I thought school delay/closing wouldn't happen until tomorrow. I'm pretty lucky because our county closes pretty easily (and my school follows the county closings.) Of course it doesn't take much in the DC area to close school - we're only getting a couple of inches today. So I am home enjoying a free day!

Unfortunately I did have a couple of important things planned at school - including Mass this morning. I'm not sure when we will reschedule, especially if we have a delay or closing tomorrow. Oh well! I'm trying to make the most of this day. So far I've done a few loads of laundry, cleaned all the upstairs floors (I HATE THIS JOB but it was so desperately needed) and got dinner going in the crockpot. I'd like to do some photo-organizing online and more cleaning around the house. But I'll have to see just how motivated I am after I finish blogging...

I made it to 9am Mass this morning which was nice. I usually get to 6:30am everyday before school, but this morning I took my hubby to the metro so he didn't have to drive to work. I was actually planning to do a little grocery shopping after Mass, but my car was being funny so I decided I should probably just head home. Better safe than sorry when it's snowing - especially for this California girl!

I will probably do a little reading this afternoon as well. I'm in the middle of "Left to Tell" and it's really good! (AYWH mentioned this book and I think she borrowed it from LifeHopes.) The author writes about how she survived the Rwanda genocide. It is so unreal to imagine experiencing this kind of terror and violence. I am just getting to the part where she describes her conversations with God whiel she was in hiding. It is so inspiring how she was able to cling to her faith during this time. The author is speaking at a convention that I'm going to in April so I'm looking forward to hearing her. A few ladies from my women's prayer group have read her other book as well, so I might have to get that one next!

I'm also hoping to do a little spiritual reading. I have a couple of great books but I have been too lazy to start them. I have been feeling pretty lethargic in my prayer life. I'm not sure what the deal is. In my heart I have the desire for more quiet time, more prayer, and more reflection. Yet I always end up choosing the computer or TV or phone or something else. I think that I will try to start small - choose one day a week that I will commit to praying/reading. It's easier to start small than set an unreachable goal - which I have done too many times.

I keep remembering other times in my life when I was so much better about quiet prayer, spiritual reading and journaling. So I feel guilty that I'm not doing it any more. My spiritual director gave me some good advice about this... he said what worked at one time in our life might not work later. Or at least it might not be the right fit for that time. I keep focusing on how fruitful that kind of prayer was for me and how I want that again. But now all I feel is guilt when I look at my journal sitting on the shelf.

I'm having a bit of a revelation as I type this. In a way this blog has been my "new" journal. It has been extremely helpful for me to process all my thoughts and feelings. Yet blogging does not count as praying and I still feel God's call to do more. But I am going to start small... better to read for 15 minutes than not at all. Also I should try to improve the quality of the prayer time that I already stick to - daily Mass, rosary, etc - instead of trying to add something new. I will keep you posted on how it goes. Pray for me!

Weekend Update

We've had a nice weekend... although it always seems to fly by! Thank you for all the prayers for my talk - it went well! Of course I can always think of ways to make it better, but overall I was really happy with it. My hope is to find a good balance between teaching the material and making it personal. I told our infertility story and people seemed really affected by it. I hope that none of those couples will have to deal with this, but you never know. Out of 40 couples, the chances are pretty good that some of them will have trouble conceiving. This was the first time I've shared this story in public, so that was something new for me. I got emotional at one point, which is fine by me, except that it derailed my thoughts a bit. I left a few things unsaid, but overall I was pleased!

Last night we went to the movies and dinner with our good friends. It was such a fun night! We haven't caught up with these friends for awhile, so it was lovely to see them. We saw, "Slumdog Millionaire" at this artsy theater by our house. YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE!!!! It was so good. (Can you tell I liked it?) The heart of the movie is this pure and innocent love story. It was so sweet! I totally bawled at the end. :) Afterwards we had a yummy dinner at a restaurant we had never been to. We will definitely go back there again.

This morning I sang for two Masses and tonight we're leading youth group. I really enjoy both of my "church jobs," and I'm so thankful for them. But it totally kills our Sunday! I'm not able to get too much done in between. It leaves me feeling unprepared for Monday morning and a new week.

Tomorrow I will get my blood drawn before going to school. I'm not sure how quickly my doctor will get the results, but I will call tomorrow to make an appointment with her. I haven't seen her since my surgery follow-up and this was the plan we had decided on. Hopefully the bloodwork will reveal how my hormones are doing. In terms of my cycle today is Day 23. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it all... as I've said before, I have all the reason in the world to believe we will conceive soon. Yet I just can't seem to throw myself into thinking that it actually WILL happen soon. I'm not expecting it to happen and I'm just waiting to be surprised. Does that make sense? It's just too painful to keep thinking, "Is this it? Do I feel something different? Am I pregnant now?" My mind just can't go there.

We actually bought plane tickets this weekend for our summer trip in July/August. Crazy, huh? Flights are so expensive, we figured we should get them now. Plus we just earned a free flight and we wanted to use it before all the dates were blacked out. We are going to spend a week in Yosemite and Sequoia National Parks with our families. Yes, that's right, both families! (My parents, his parents, and my brother and sister-in-law.) We have been trying to plan this trip for a few years and we're finally doing it. Since Yosemite is so popular and gets so crowded, we had to book rooms in the lodge for our parents ONE YEAR in advance. Crazy!

Anyways, the reason I bring this up is because my hubby and I are planning to camp. Today he was asking me what I thought we'd do if I was pregnant. We would definitely have to make some changes to our trip - which of course we would be GLAD to do for that reason! But I just can't go there. You know what I mean? I've thought this way too many times - about other trips, weddings, Christmases, etc. Even though I can't imagine NOT being pregnant by then, we just don't know what will happen. It makes me just not even want to think about it.

Well I had better go. Gotta make some dinner quickly before we head out!

Nothing Exciting

What a great title for my post, huh? I'm sure you're just DYING to read whatever I have to say now!

I really have nothing exciting going on but I wanted to post since it's been a few days. My hubby and I had a fabulous 4-day weekend. We did a lot of chores around the house, watched some movies, played some games, did some reading, etc. Of course that makes it really hard to get back to work. Oh, and I did finally beat my hubby in Monopoly! (Which he informed me is called Monopoly: Electronic Banking - not Digital Monopoly as I called it!) So that was a major accomplishment for me.

I continued working on my talk this weekend. It's not quite finished, but it's getting close. Then I'll put together my power point presentation. Please keep me in your prayers! I am looking forward to doing this, but I'm also a bit nervous. I actually enjoy public speaking (hello, I'm a teacher!) but this is a very different situation. I just pray that the Holy Spirit will speak through me. The woman in charge of NFP and Marriage Prep for the Archdiocese just sent an email saying that her position was cut because of budget cuts. Isn't that awful??? It doesn't mean that no one is doing that job - it just means that her boss will have to do a lot more now. Of all areas that our Church needs help!

In terms of my cycle, I'm pretty confident that Monday was peak day. That means I'll be getting my blood drawn next Monday. Hopefully my hormone levels look good. Do any of you use ovulation predictors? I know there are a bunch of different kinds around. Just curious what has worked well for people. Any advice??

Nice Weekend

We are having a nice loooooong weekend over here. Because of MLK, Jr Day on Monday and the Inauguration on Tuesday we have four days off. Woo-hoo! I am hoping (and trying!) to be productive and use the time wisely. We'll see how that goes. I'm also happy to just rest and relax too. That is also "productive" in a way.

The morning is by far my most productive time, so it's hard on Sundays when I sing for one or more Masses to get a lot done around the house when I come home. But that's ok. It actually helps me "keep holy the Sabbath" a little bit more. Truly it should be a day of prayer and rest. I sang for two Masses this morning, came home and had lunch, and then my hubby and I played Digital Monopoly. Has anyone played this or even seen it? It's pretty fun! Instead of using paper money you use a credit card. All the properties and their prices have been updated. My hubby got it for Christmas and we've played it twice so far. Both times he has whipped my butt. The first time I was super crabby when I lost. Thankfully today I lost "gracefully." I'm just so competetive! It's not fun to lose! But it's also not fun to play games with someone who is so crabby. So I'm trying to be better about it because I don't want my hubby to stop playing games with me. Hopefully one of these days I'll actually beat him. :)

I need to get some grading done this weekend, so I'm planning to do that after I finish blogging. I also need to work on my talk. I have been asked to give a talk on the Marriage Prep Retreat for the Archdiocese and it's next Saturday! I have done this twice before, but it has been a couple of years. I am basically giving the "sex talk." It is a pretty tall order. In one hour I'm supposed to cover all of the Churches teachings on sexual morality. I will be speaking to 40 couples. That's 80 people. Yikes! I'm getting a little nervous as I type this. Thankfully they provide the outline for me to follow. But of course I want it to be personal and I really want to reach these couples. I want them to walk away from my talk educated and inspired. Although, the one thing that I learned from the last time I gave this talk is that I can only do so much. Last time I tried to cram TOO much into one talk. The demographic of the couples makes for a tough audience - about 1/3 are living together. I can't imagine that they are too excited to hear what I have to say. It is my goal to speak the Truth, to be open and honest, to share my story, and possibly to plant some seeds. I don't want to lower my expectations... but I will be pleased if ONE couple walks away with something learned. The fact is that I won't be able to convince everyone to follow all of the Church's teachings. But I can do something. And I put it in the Lord's hands. My prayer is that He will use me to say what the couples need to hear. Hopefully I can do that. Please pray for me next Saturday! Oh, and if you have any tips or advice I'd love to hear it. I know every diocese has a wide-variety of these kinds of classes for engaged couples.

In terms of my cycle I don't have much to report. I think I'm on cycle day 15 (I'm too lazy to go upstairs and check!) You can see how I'm really on top of things. ;) I am on Tamoxifen this cycle and similar to AYWH I think my mucus has been less this cycle. I have tried to be better about my observations so that we time everything as best as possible. Also I want to be sure of my peak day since I'm getting my blood drawn on peak +7. I have been inspired by all the hope and positive thinking that has been going around. Now that my surgery is done and the endo removed, I really have no reason NOT to hope that we could conceive this cycle. I have been praying a little more fervently this cycle. Even if we do everything perfectly, it's still out of my hands. I also picked up a bottle of prenatal pills and started taking them. As usual I am left to just wait and see.

Happy Birthday Dad!!

Today is my Dad's birthday - so this post is in honor of him! He is turning a significant number today, which I will not reveal. ;) Instead I will reveal to you just how great he is. I have the best Dad in the world. Seriously, I do! Here are just a few reason why he is so wonderful...

My dad is smart. He's REALLY smart. He's actually a rocket scientist! I definitely didn't appreciate my dad's work while I was growing up. I knew that he worked in aerospace, but that was about it. It wasn't until much later (like when I was married!) that I realized the significance of my dad's accomplishments. When he retired in 2001 he was the Chief Orbital Engineer of the Space Shuttle. Pretty cool! Last May we were able to see a shuttle launch and it was so awesome to have him as our personal tour guide at the Kenndy Space Center. We got NASA VIP seats and everything.

My dad is a trivia genius. In addition to his vast knowledge of aerospace engineering, he is a wiz at trivia. Whether the topic is sports (especially USC!), music, politics, history, the Church, etc - he knows something about it! We always told him he should go on Jeopardy. Or perhaps he should try "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" :)

My dad is faithful. He has a deep faith and is committed to growing in his relationship with God. Church was always a priority in our house and it is true that, "A family that prays together, stays together." Together with my mom, he taught me how to pray and the importance of having faith. He is a faithful steward and gives his time, talent and treasure to the Church. I am so grateful that he raised me with such a firm foundation!

My dad is funny. He always makes us laugh!

My dad is a good husband. The BEST thing parents can give their children is the example of a good marriage. My parents deep love and committment to one another has been evident my entire life. They have an unconditional love for each other and for our family. Unfortunately this is becoming rare in our world today! My dad has always been the provider, protector and leader of our family. His great example formed my image of what a husband and marrige should be.

My dad is an image of God the Father. THE most important role that fathers have is to be an image of God our Father - and my dad has been this for me. He loves me unconditionally. He teaches me. He leads and guides me. He listens to me. He gives me advice when I need it. He loves me. He supports me. He forgives me. He spoils me with gifts. He hugs me and holds me. He knows me very well. He is always there to take my call. He loves me.

I love you Dad!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

My dad doesn't know about this blog, but he does check my other one! And I have the same post on there today. :) (Anyone else out there have two blogs???)

Abandoning Our Plans for Christ

Yesterdays reflection in Magnificat was exactly what I needed to hear. It's nothing new. It's the SAME message that I keep needing to hear over and over and over again. We are called to surrender our lives to God, our plans to His plans, our ways to His ways, because ultimately His ways are better than ours. With Him lies our fulfillment. Even in the midst of suffering and craziness and confusion. We believe that all things work for good for those who love the Lord.
I thought I'd share some of the reflection with you...

"The plans of men tend to be exclusive and close-minded. The plans of God, instead, ask us to risk and try an adventure.

All of us, when we start on a new path, have human plans, natural ones, and even beautiful ones. But we are witnesses that, in carrying out our own plans, we fail. God is enlarging our horizens. What we are experiencing now is not a human plan, but rather we are abandoning ourselves to the plans of God.

Let us not make the mistake of remaining alone, convinced only of our own plans, of only what we want, because God tells us, 'With me you can work miracles...'

For sure, if you want to love, you have to renounce your immediate plans because without the cross, you cannot love. True love always comes with a sacrifice, and then that sacrifice becomes concrete love."

Feeling Good

I shouldn't be surprised by this... but it's amazing how good I feel after a couple of days of eating healthy, exercising and praying in the morning. Unfortunately I'm not always consistent. I have moments (even months!) when I'm good. But lately I haven't been. You know - surgery, holidays, etc. So now I'm picking myself back up again and getting back on track. Truly, I feel so much better. I have more energy, I'm happier and my body just feels better. I hope and pray I can keep it going.

Overall it feels great to be back into my routine. Last week was a mess getting back to work and back to life. It was way too difficult to get home late Sunday night after being gone for over two weeks and go to work Monday morning. This past weekend we put away all the Christmas decorations and tried to get the house in order. Not to mention MANY loads of laundry! We're not finished, but at least the house is looking better.

This week I have my women's prayer group again. I am so blessed and encouraged by these women. I really look forward to our time together! Also, my hubby and I are doing a special novena for the FOCA. It's so depressing and saddening to think about the consequences of this awful legislation. I am praying so hard for a conversion of this country.

Question: do any of you IFers take pre-natal vitamins? When we first starting trying to conceive I bought a bottle and started taking them. But when it became clear that it wasn't happening, it was too depressing to keep taking them. I know that they help in early pregnancy, but do they actually help conceive? Just curious...

Cycle Update

I was a total slacker during the holidays and I pretty much stopped charting as soon as I left town! It's not that I didn't pack my charts. But since it was my first cycle after surgery I figured it would mostly be a cycle of healing. Of course there was also some laziness involved. ;)

I am now on Day 7 of my next cycle and I'm on Tamoxifen again (I was on it the month prior to surgery.) Similar to AYWH I don't know too much about the drug. I was on Femara/Letrozole from April - October (prescribed by Dr. B.) Now that I'm working with Dr. L (she did my surgery) she prescribed this drug. I did ask her about it at my last appointment and she said that she has used it (successfully!) with patients for many years. She didn't know too much about Femara except that it has a similar goal to Tamoxifen - both decrease the amount of estrogen in order to stimulate the FSH. All the research I've seen usually refers to these drugs for breast cancer treatment. It's been hard to find too much regarding infertility. I will get my blood drawn on peak+7 and schedule an appointment with Dr. L to discuss the results. Other than that I don't have too much to report on my cycle. I am trying hard this month to be diligent with my charting so that I can truly identify my peak day. I don't want to miss that!

I have renewed hope after my surgery, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it yet. Does that make sense? I have ALL the reason in the world to believe that we will get pregnant, and possibly soon! But I can't quite go there emotionally, if that makes sense. My defenses are still up. I've been hurt too many times before.

I also want to be careful that I'm not pessimistic about it all. Sometimes I get caught up in just letting go and realizing that it's all out of my hands. I start to think that there's nothing I can do about it. Even with prayer! I start to think, "If God is going to bless us this way then He will." It's been very difficult for me to know exactly how to pray.

I'm getting the sense that I need to spend more time with the Lord and hear what He has to say about all this. The holidays and traveling were so wonderful. But I REALLY miss my routine when I'm gone. I start to get out of sorts - physically, mentally, spiritually. I'm always amazed at how closely tied everything is. When I'm in a good place generally I am working out, praying more, keeping the house clean and organized, on top of things at work, etc. When I'm NOT in a good place, then all of these things quickly fall apart. I desperately need to get exercising again and praying in the morning. Hopefully this weekend I will get back on track.

California Pictures

Here are some pics from our week in California. My good friend from college got married on January 2 - so that is really why we were there. It worked out so nicely for us to visit both homes during the holidays. If we can swing it, I think I'd like to do this every year. Originally we had decided we would switch each year for Christmas... but we'll just have to take it one year at a time.

This is my best friend and her family. Her girls are so cute! (Pay no attention to my crazy smile... I think I was trying to get the baby to smile.)
Here is my fam!
This was us on "Christmas morning"(we celebrated Christmas on New Years Day.)

My brother and his wife got a dog... her name is Chelsea. Here she is wearing a USC jersey!We made it to the beach a couple of times. California really is so beautiful in the winter! If you look closely you can see snow-covered mountains in the background.

Nebraska Pictures

Here are a few pictures from our time in Nebraska with my hubby's family. It was so wonderful to spend Christmas with them! My hubby grew up in a small town and we always have a relaxing time while we're there. His brother, sister-in-law and our two nieces were there for most of the week and we pretty much just played with them the entire time! They are so adorable and I really wish we could spend more time with them. They grow up so fast!
My in-laws recently got a Wii (as you can see in the picture - that is my hubby boxing with our oldest niece) so we played that a lot. Our favorites were bowling, tennis and MarioKart. So fun!

Did you miss me?

I'm back! Seriously, things have been so crazy lately that I am just trying to keep my head above water! We arrived home around midnight on Sunday and I still haven't unpacked my suitcase. Grrr... I hate feeling so behind on the basics like unpacking and laundry! I went to the 24-hour grocery store so that we could at least have some food. Since we live so far from our families we really try to maximize our time when we travel... sometimes we even take the red-eye flight home. But I think we're getting too old for that now. My hubby and I both agreed that we need at least a day at home to recover and get ready for work. Especially after being gone for so long.

As if things weren't crazy enough, we bought a new car last night. Just a few days before we left on our trip we realized that my hubby's 11-year old car was not going to last much longer. We have been nursing it along for awhile and we decided that it wasn't worth pouring any more money into it. It would be so nice NOT to have a new car payment right now, but was time to say goodbye to the old car. My hubby takes such good care of me... he decided that he would take my car and let me have the new one! He is such a sweetie! We ended up with a 2009 Nissan Altima. I love it! The weather has been so yucky around here, it was weird to test drive in the dark, freezing rain last night. Since it was still dark when I got to school this morning, I haven't even seen it in the daylight yet!

I have lots of fun pictures and stories to share about our wonderful time at both "homes," but this will have to do for now. I've missed you all and your blogs so much! I'm looking forward to catching up...