What the what???

I woke up to discover that today is Cycle Day 1. Grrrr. I am so frustrated that my cycle wasn't longer! (Like 9 months longer. Ha ha...) Obviously my first wish is that last cycle would have "worked" and we might have conceived. But if that wasn't possible I was hoping for a nice long luteal phase. What's the deal? If my charting was correct, my peak day was last Monday. That means I only had 8 days past peak. What does that mean?

This cycle lasted 25 days which used to be normal for me. Once I started taking Femara last spring my cycles starting to last around 28-29 days. Then pre-surgery when I took Tamoxifen things started changing... I had one really short cycle (19 days), then my surgery cycle (no drugs), my first post-surgery cycle (no drugs) lasted about 26 days and now this is my first cycle post-surgery with the Tamoxifen. I just don't know what to think. And I'm frustrated.

I know I need to be patient. I know the body needs time to heal and re-adjust. But how long does it take for hormones to respond to the drugs? How long does it take for hormones to "normalize" after removing endo? How long will it take for me to become a mother??? Obviously this is the real question my heart is asking.

Here are some positives:
1. I had my blood drawn on Monday. Hopefully that will reveal something about my hormone levels. I have a doctor's appointment next Tuesday so I can discuss the results with Dr. L and talk about where to go from here. I've only taken Tamoxifen two cycles now, but I'm not very happy with the results. I guess I will call the office to see if she thinks I should try it again this cycle. My guess is that she does.

2. At least with short cycles I can "start over" again more quickly. I guess it's better than having really long cycles. (I realize that this logic is silly because it has nothing to do with treating the problem. But somehow it makes me feel better!)

3. Today is Snow Day #2 so I get to stay home and relax with my hubby. I have already warned him that I will probably be consuming a lot of chocolate today. I already made waffles and bacon for breakfast!

I just finished reading "Left to Tell" by Immaculee Ilibagiza this morning. (I love the luxury of reading all morning!) I am so inspired by her faith. She suffered the worst possible terror, violence, horror, and suffering imaginable during the Rwanda genocide. And yet she didn't lose hope or faith. Prayer became her life and she put all of her trust in the Lord. As the reader, it seems that it was so easy for her. But I'm sure that it wasn't. I keep thinking, "my situation is nothing compared to what she was dealing with. Why can't I just have an ounce of the faith she did?" I need to remember that she fought some serious spiritual warfare. It wasn't always easy. Also, her story seems to have a happy ending. Yet nothing is that simple. She still must carry the baggage of what she suffered. And her story has the benefit of hindsight. She can look back to see how God's hand was guiding all of the events of her life. I need to remember that I am still in the middle of my story. I shouldn't expect the same kind of peace that she now has.

I pray for a faith as strong as hers. It's difficult to continue to hope that this new cycle might somehow be different. But I will try...