Sometimes

Sometimes I forget all about infertility. My life is busy and full of joy. I have so many blessings that I could never repay the Lord for all He has given me. I love my life as a wife and mother. A simple walk around the block with Tommy - listening to the birds chirp and picking up leaves - is enough to make my heart swell. Sometimes I forget that I did not give birth to him.

Other times I cannot forget that I am infertile. And lately there have been so many reminders of this cross that I carry. I have been surrounded by a lot of pregnant bellies and newborn babies. My baby is turning into a very big boy and I long for another tiny baby in my arms. It seems that everywhere I turn I face the topics of infertility, pregnancy and adoption.

Facebook, blogs, friends, family, and even strangers are full of new pregnancy announcements or birth announcements. Even after all this time, I have a hard time balancing the true joy I feel for the other person with the pain of my empty womb. Try as I might, I cannot disassociate these two. Why can we still not conceive when it is so easy for others?

Over the weekend I saw, "What to Expect When You're Expecting." It's a cute movie and of course I knew it was all about pregnancy. I didn't realize just how deeply it would cover the topics of infertility, miscarriage and adoption. For a comedy I think it did a decent job of showing these experiences. Did anyone see the season finale of Modern Family? Again, I wasn't expecting the show to cover the topic of adoption loss. The gay couple that has been waiting to adopt finally gets "the call," but the birthmother decides to parent.

What has been on my mind most is that our social worker called us about a potential birthmother last month. It was the first news we had heard from them since going back on the waiting list in October. It was a complicated situation because the birthmother is in Florida and is working with attorneys there. They requested profiles/photo albums from our agency and we immediately agreed to have ours sent, even though it's much more expensive and risky than working with a local birthmother through our agency. After a flurry of guarded excitement (is that even possible?) we ended up waiting a couple of weeks to hear that she chose a local couple.

I tried my best to be realistic, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about this baby girl due in July. It seemed so perfect. I saw signs all around me that this might be a reality. But it was not meant to be.

I cling to the passage in Jeremiah 29:11 because I do believe the Lord has a plan for our lives. Most days my head has to convince my heart that this is true, but I do believe it. It was providential that I came across the article I posted the other day called "Learning to Pray through Infertility." It was one of the best articles I've ever read and reminded me that I am not alone. The Lord is walking us with through our struggles and it is often in our darkest times that He is nearest to us.

Learning to Pray through Infertility

This morning I came across this great article called, "Waiting for Gabriel: Learning to Pray through Infertility." It's a must read!

Happy 2nd Birthday Tommy!!

Mercy

I want to write a deep meaningful post. And the subject of mercy has been on my mind a lot. It's been my go-to prayer lately - simply asking God to have mercy on me. But I just don't have it in me right now.

I'm busy, and tired, and a little stressed. (I know... who's not??) In the midst of traveling and directing a show and planning a certain someone's 2nd birthday party, I've also had other things on my mind.

Like growing our family. Will we ever conceive? Will we adopt again soon? Most days I am too full of joy being Tommy's mama and too busy to really dwell on this. But it's always there in the back of my mind. And certain situations quickly bring it to the front of my mind. Like the deluge of pregnancy announcements I've heard lately.

Each and every day we are called to surrender our will to His. To trust in the plan that God has for our family. To bask in the love of the Lord that is showered on us daily. Unfortunately I am like a pendulum that swings back and forth between trust and fear. Hope and doubt. Joy and sorrow.

So this is me asking for mercy. Even though I've done nothing to earn it, I pray the Lord will continue to bless our little family and help it grow.

"So let us confidently approach the throne of God to receive mercy and to find grace for timely help."

-Hebrews 4:16