Sometimes

Sometimes I forget all about infertility. My life is busy and full of joy. I have so many blessings that I could never repay the Lord for all He has given me. I love my life as a wife and mother. A simple walk around the block with Tommy - listening to the birds chirp and picking up leaves - is enough to make my heart swell. Sometimes I forget that I did not give birth to him.

Other times I cannot forget that I am infertile. And lately there have been so many reminders of this cross that I carry. I have been surrounded by a lot of pregnant bellies and newborn babies. My baby is turning into a very big boy and I long for another tiny baby in my arms. It seems that everywhere I turn I face the topics of infertility, pregnancy and adoption.

Facebook, blogs, friends, family, and even strangers are full of new pregnancy announcements or birth announcements. Even after all this time, I have a hard time balancing the true joy I feel for the other person with the pain of my empty womb. Try as I might, I cannot disassociate these two. Why can we still not conceive when it is so easy for others?

Over the weekend I saw, "What to Expect When You're Expecting." It's a cute movie and of course I knew it was all about pregnancy. I didn't realize just how deeply it would cover the topics of infertility, miscarriage and adoption. For a comedy I think it did a decent job of showing these experiences. Did anyone see the season finale of Modern Family? Again, I wasn't expecting the show to cover the topic of adoption loss. The gay couple that has been waiting to adopt finally gets "the call," but the birthmother decides to parent.

What has been on my mind most is that our social worker called us about a potential birthmother last month. It was the first news we had heard from them since going back on the waiting list in October. It was a complicated situation because the birthmother is in Florida and is working with attorneys there. They requested profiles/photo albums from our agency and we immediately agreed to have ours sent, even though it's much more expensive and risky than working with a local birthmother through our agency. After a flurry of guarded excitement (is that even possible?) we ended up waiting a couple of weeks to hear that she chose a local couple.

I tried my best to be realistic, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about this baby girl due in July. It seemed so perfect. I saw signs all around me that this might be a reality. But it was not meant to be.

I cling to the passage in Jeremiah 29:11 because I do believe the Lord has a plan for our lives. Most days my head has to convince my heart that this is true, but I do believe it. It was providential that I came across the article I posted the other day called "Learning to Pray through Infertility." It was one of the best articles I've ever read and reminded me that I am not alone. The Lord is walking us with through our struggles and it is often in our darkest times that He is nearest to us.