Yesterday I picked up my Tamoxifen prescription and ordered my HCG injection from Freedom Pharmacy. It's hard to explain how I feel about my cycles these days. I really don't have much hope or expectations for conceiving - which I'm 100% sure is a result of me trying to protect my heart. I've developed this attitude of, "Oh well, who cares, I know it's not going to happen, what does it matter if I try something new?"
When I went to pick up my Tamoxifen last night it wasn't ready and the pharmacist said there was a problem with the order. She called Tepeyac but it was 4:45pm so no one picked up. In the past I would have freaked out, especially since it was already the evening of Day 3, so I needed to take it ASAP. My first thought was, "Oh well, I guess I'll just skip it this cycle." But it turns out that I had a refill from an old prescription, so she was able to use that.
I had the same feelings last month when my HCG injection never arrived and I realized it didn't matter because my O day was over Labor Day weekend. It really didn't phase me at all. I've also been meaning to get my bloodwork done on peak+7 for the last 2 cycles and have just been too lazy to get it done. What's the point? Besides keeping track of when my cycle begins and when I ovulate, I have pretty much stopped charting as well.
I can't tell if this is a good approach - somewhat of a "let go and let God" attitude. Or if I am just being negative and pessimistic and lazy. I think more than anything I am just tired. I'm so over it. I feel as if I've been grasping at straws for so long now.
As I mentioned, I ordered another HCG injection for this cycle, so I am looking forward to giving that a shot. ;) Despite everything I've just said about my current attitude, deep down I do hope that trying something new will work. It looks like my O day will be on a Friday, so I already scheduled my sonogram with Dr. L for that morning. Hopefully it's the right day, otherwise I'll be out of luck again because of the weekend.
I am really looking forward to my dinner plans on Friday night!! Sew is going to be in town so we are meeting up for dinner with a few other gals. I can't wait to meet in-real-life Sew, along with the other ladies who can make it. I know that Call Me Mama will be there and I think Fertile Thoughts and Finding Joy in Every Journey are also coming!
Can't wait to meet you, too!
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting how many women on the blog are taking the H.CG injections and are placing a lot of hope in it...it's like the new miracle baby drug. I'm guilty of getting excited too. Of course I'm not doing them anymore...but when I did them...I was so hopeful. Lord willing, they'll be the answer for you too...and yes...I know that "Let God" feeling all to well. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI definitely understand the feeling of "what's the point?" Have fun with the girls.
ReplyDeleteI am jealous to miss out on the Friday evening festivities!!!!
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel ... like you are going through the motions, it doesn't matter what we do ... like our bodies are just plain baby-proof or something!
I do still have hope for you, G, and I will say some extra prayers for you this upcoming month - your birthday month ...
Thanks so much for sharing all of this on the blog.
By the way, the "Give it a shot" pun was pretty cute:)
Friend, again, i can totally relate- if even in a different way. There's certainly a difference between 'i give up' and willful surrender. I dont know how the saints do it, honestly- surrendering and joy just don't make sense together for me! But I know it can happen, and God knows us and our limits. I think He accepts our little surrenders in all their forms. I was just about to blog about my recent experience with surrender and hope, so maybe it will be helpful :) We should chat soon! Love you-
ReplyDeleteI had so much hope when I was prescribed HCG. Unfortunately I was growing a ton of endo at the time so it didn't help me get pregnant, but my luteal phases were just stellar.
ReplyDeleteI'm so jealous that you get to meet the girls! I can't wait to hear all about it!
I feel like I haven't been in touch with you in so long!
ReplyDeleteFirst of al, I'm thrilled you'll be meeting Sew and other chiquitas. How great.
Secondly, I can't pretend to imagine the struggles you are facing. Just know I'm keeping you close in prayer.
Hang in there as best you can.
I'll be praying for you, G!
ReplyDeleteHave a blast on Friday! I'm bummed I can't join you all.
Every time I am post-surgery or get something new to try (progesterone supplements, etc), I get all excited for a month or two, thinking that THIS could be my month.
ReplyDeleteIt does get kind of tiring holding out hope every month, though, so eventually I have to back off and try not to hope or care for a while.
Hopefully the HCG injection with give you something to get excited about this cycle!
Can't wait to see everyone tomorrow night :)
I'm so jealous!! What a fun group!! Have a great time.
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings...thanks for sharing them with us.