Today is cycle day 1. I'm not surprised or shocked or even sad. Is that weird? It has probably been at least a year, if not longer, since I have had any emotions tied to starting my period. I lose track of days during my two-week-wait. I have only take 2 pregnancy tests in my life. I truly have ZERO expectations that I'm pregnant each cycle, and therefore I am not upset when it doesn't happen. I guess this is what happens when you've been trying this long. And considering that I still don't know why we can't conceive, I don't have hope that any of my treatments will work.
I'm slightly impressed that my cycles have been longer - 27 days - and I'm sure it's because I've been on Endometrin for the past few cycles. My appointment with Dr. S is two weeks away, so I am starting my list of questions for him. Since we are traveling just two weeks after that appointment, I'm guessing that I will have to wait until April to have any hormone panels or ultrasound series done (if he requests that.)
In terms of adoption, we are meeting with the domestic program social worker (different from our homestudy social worker) next Tuesday. We will give her our "Dear Birthmother" letter, two copies of our photo album, our profile and a big, fat check. Then FINALLY we will officially be waiting to adopt! Although, I'm not sure if they will show our information to potential birthmothers immediately... it might depend on how many other waiting couples they have, and how long they have been waiting.
Like always, I had thought this step would have happened by now. (It's almost March!) But honestly, I don't feel the same pressure to rush through everything as I have felt in the past. I am being convinced slowly but surely that we are working on God's timeline, not our own.
Also this last step (letter, album and profile) has been difficult. It takes an emotional toll to put all this information together to try and sell ourselves. It's also emotional to pour out our hearts in asking someone to chose us. I'm at a loss for words to describe how this makes me feel.
The profile is where we have to decide what kind of child we are willing to adopt - race, special needs, exposure to drugs/alcohol, and how many weeks premature. This has been probably the most painful part for me. My husband and I are people who are open to life and open to whatever child God has in store for us. And yet there is a huge difference between accepting that the child you are carrying will have special needs, and making the deliberate choice to be open or closed to certain kinds of children. Does that make sense? It just doesn't sit well with me to say no - as if I'm saying that this child is not worthy. And yet I don't want to say yes to everything - I would never choose to use drugs or alcohol during pregnancy, so why do I have to adopt a child that comes from this background? (The reason I say have to is because it seems that almost every birthmother using our agency has used some drugs or alcohol.) Ugh. It is SO difficult and SO painful. It's almost so overwhelming, that I'd rather not think about it at all. And yet we need to list our very specific preferences (ex. how many uses of each drug during each trimester.) All we can do is pray about it, make the best decision for our family, and then surrender it into God's hands.
I was just talking to my mom about this last night, as far as setting forth your (our) preferences for an adopted child. On the one hand, it's not like one child is better than another, and of course we want to allow God's hand in the creation of our family so I feel like we should be open to anything, but on the other hand, hubby and I feel like we have to be honest with ourselves as far as what we think we are equipped to handle (e.g., support of family, community, etc). I think if/when we get to filling out that form, we are going to look fairly narrow in what we feel "open" to, but we can't be dishonest and think we are some superhero's and then really struggle with raising our child.
ReplyDeletePraying for you as you get ready to become a waiting family! A good friend of mine in NC has just received word they are officially waiting, too!
YES! Thank you for articulating that regarding the "profile." Ours is called a "range of acceptance" and I know it will be the most difficult part about this. I've been dreading it ever since I heard about it. It's so hard because in some ways I want to be open to any child-I want to love them all and show them the unconditional love of God. But then I try to think more realistically as to what is really best for us right now. Our agency explained it well. They told us to stretch ourselves, but still be honest with what we can really handle and that this is about finding the right home for the baby, not really about finding the right baby for you. If we aren't equipped to handle a child with certain needs, then it is better for that child to be with a family that can handle him/her. But it is so so difficult because we feel like we have a lot of love to give. Ugh. I just know exactly what you're going through. And when I think of all the research I'll have to do to learn about which drugs have what effects at what points during the pregnancy...sigh.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'm in the same place as you, not just with the adoption stuff, but also with lacking any sort of expectation with pregnancy. I don't get sad each month because I don't get hopeful either. It's sad how I have no expectation, but at least I'm not on an emotional roller coaster anymore!
Oh my goodness. I am so happy you said that about the adoption. I’ve alluded to people before that I have hesitations on adoption that have nothing to do with race or feeling like I wouldn’t connect with a child. This is it! I’ve never addressed it because I was concerned about how people would react, but this is my exact concern. The picking what I will and will not accept. I have some level of control over my own pregnancy (certainly age, race, substance abuse), but not things like downs syndrome or other health issues. I just cannot get past having to “pick & choose” no matter how hard I pray about it. If I say “up to 3”, what is wrong with a 4 year old? I just don’t know how to draw the line. No one really seems to want older children, but they are still children. And then I feel horrible for deciding for myself what would be more than I could handle (mental illness or substance abuse). I certainly wouldn’t have thought I could handle the things that I have, but it was God’s plan, not my own. Yet it is ME (hopefully guided by the Holy Spirit) who has to say. I have no issues at all with how people go about this and no, we don’t have to be open to everything I suppose, but this is the biggest stumbling block for me personally & not even my DH understands how hard this is for me. I hope and pray my mind will have peace about it (and yours as well) and I didn’t mean to hijack, but I was so happy that someone else out there had the same feelings I did. Adoption is a process for everyone and it involves different emotions. I know the Holy Spirit will guide us.
ReplyDeleteGoing over that checklist was one of the hardest parts for me. I'm sure your prayers will guide you. The good news is you can also change that list if you want to in the future. :) Good luck with handing everything else in...it is so very exciting! :)
ReplyDeleteGod bless you for making these agonizing decisions. Pray for God's will - He has a child for you somewhere, it's just a matter of discerning which one! Praying for you :)
ReplyDeleteThat was the toughest part for me, too, going through that acceptance list. I know just what you mean about being open to it but at the same time making the conscious decision to take that on.
ReplyDeleteWhat became tougher as our home study progressed, was seeing just how "open" our agency was about accepting any and every situation a bmom put herself into... and how they even REJOICE with her when/if she changes her mind and decides to parent, and yet simultaneously we were meeting 1 slammed door after another because of some silly circumstances that were nowhere near as serious as the bmoms' situations.
Very disheartening.
I can't wait for your pilgrimage! It's just around the corner!
Those are some tough decisions to make. During one of our training sessions, there was a panel of adoptive parents that discussed how they arrived at their decisions, which was helpful for us to know. DH and I talked a lot about what we were willing and not willing to take on, and we felt that God would take care of the rest. :)
ReplyDeleteI know it's stressful, but I firmly believe that God will bring *your* child to you no matter what you fill out on that form. As long as long as you pray about it and put it in God's hands, you will be okay. He will let you know what He is calling you to. I stressed terribly over every decision during the process, thinking it was all up to me, yet He surprised us. And look at GIMH's story as well. We do have decisions to make, but we know it's ultimately in His hands. I can't wait to meet the baby He has in store for you!
ReplyDeleteAs I look at the brown envelope that houses our adoption application I wonder, too, how much we can we can handle. I know that the avenue that we're pursuing means that we will most likely adopt a child with "issues", but what kinds of issues that we're willing to tackle, we're not sure.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest concern is that a match is going to be hard to find since we are a biracial couple. It wouldn't be an issue if we had a biological child since it would look like both of us, but our adoptive child would look like one of us or none of us!
I continue to pray for you! Being an officially waiting family is going to be so exciting!
wow G, I am praying for you...that is big stuff. I was tearing up reading your last paragraph. (But SO amazing to think that in a matter of a week you'll be officially on the other side of the adoption process!) Sad I missed you guys at prayer group last week - hope I get to see you before Lourdes!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - I am so excited to hear more about your trip (before and after). What an amazing experience it is going to be! IN terms of adoption and choosing a child I have no answers or advice... just prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh I can relate!! It is terribly difficult to discern. So don't feel badly about that a bit!
ReplyDeleteI agree with AYWH, God will bring your child to you no matter what. You could put something down, then He speaks something differently to you, so you change your mind and that's okay.
We were open to all races, and even some disabilities, and drug use. And yet we ended up with a perfectly healthy caucausian baby. The other birthmother was carrying a bi-racial baby and you know what? When we prayed about which baby to accept, the race played no part. It was purely that "gut" feeling, that "draw" or "leading" of the Holy Spirit that connected us with Lucy, before we even met her.
It sort of feels like trying to find your way through a dark room without a flash light. And a room you aren't even familiar with.
Trust your gut. Don't feel badly, and then God will bring him or her to you and you will be so glad He did!
Call me!! I'd love to talk soon about all of this!!
Oh I totally understand your difficulty in "picking" preferences! It was hard for us too....Am I being to greedy when I say I think I can only handle 0-2 years old, no disabilities, etc...etc... But we do know it's already planned for us so maybe we shouldn't fret over it. :) It is difficult.
ReplyDeleteThat's a really interesting point - I don't think I would have any doubts about my own child if I were told it had genetic defects or other problems, but that seems like just accepting and loving your child for who he is. Whereas marking a box that says you'll take a child with these characteristics isn't really "accepting," right? Because if they get a child with those problems, then they'll give them to parents who said they would accept them, so...I don't know. I've read, by the way, that alcohol during pregnancy is more harmful than heroin, or something. Maybe you could do some research about the effects of different substances to help you with the numbers? (Or, I'm being silly. You're infertile, you've probably researched it to death, right?)
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