I have been feeling really overwhelmed for the past couple of days. And it's summer! I thought that I would be feeling much more relaxed and rested, but so far I have been crazy busy and feeling completely exhausted.
The main reason for my exhaustion is that I'm working at a summer camp with 3, 4, and 5 year olds. Whew, they take up a TON of my energy! The students I teach are much older than this, so I'm not used to working with such little ones. Plus summer camp is much different from teaching. I don't have the authority or the routine to keep order with the kids. It's much more chaotic, not to mention that I have less desire to be structured with them since it's just camp. Thankfully I only have 9 kids this week and I have a helper. I will be working at this camp all summer, except for the two trips we are taking.
I have also been feeling extremely overwhelmed with our infertility and adoption plans. I feel like we are at a crossroads and I'm not sure which direction to take. And yet, at the same time, I feel as if we're stuck at this intersection without many options to move forward.
Medically speaking, I'm not sure what is next for me. I spoke with a nurse from my doctor's office on Monday and she said that Dr. L wants to see me next cycle during days 1-3. She will review my charts and discuss plans for an ultrasound series around ovulation time. I also got the results from my bloodwork on peak +12 from last cycle. Both levels were extremely low - estradiol was 68 and progesterone was 2.3. I wasn't surprised since my new cycle began the very next day. I keep hearing about all these other women taking injections and I wonder if that might help me. But of course I don't know that for sure. I'm not even sure what problem they would be addressing, it just seems like a good thing to try!
In terms of adoption I am so ready to move forward and get home-study approved, but I am completely frustrated with our options. So far we have explored three local agencies, one adoption consultant and one adoption attorney. Each option has its pros and cons and I am finding it extremely difficult to decide how to proceed. This weekend my hubby and I decided to move forward with one of the agencies. I spoke with the social worker on the phone yesterday about filling out our application and she informed me that the next training wouldn't be until March/April! (For this agency, you must attend one of their trainings to be home-study approved.) I almost cried on the phone with her when she said that. I don't want my impatience to be the driving force, but I truly cannot wait that long.
Does anyone have experience using an adoption attorney? We are going to meet with one next week to learn more about purusing an independant adoption. Apparently he will help us learn how to advertise and network for a birthmother. I find it hard to believe that that would be enough to help us find a baby. I'm really curious to hear what he has to say.
Ugh. I'm just really overwhelmed. I'm tired of waiting and I'm so tired of being stuck in this spot. I look at all the kids in my summer camp and think that I could be their mom instead of their counselor. I wish that I was at home taking care of my own kids instead of spending my days playing with someone else's kids. Some of these parents drop off their children at 7:30am and don't pick them up until 6:00pm. It's crazy! These poor kids just want to be at home.
I know that I need to spend more time in prayer. I haven't posted many spiritual reflections lately and that is a clear sign to me that I'm not being fed enough spiritually. I have been meaning to read the Diary of St. Faustina for awhile and I finally bought a copy today. I hope that reading and reflecting on Divine Mercy will help me because I know that I am in need of some serious mercy right now.
I'm so sorry! That's so tough. I guess if none of the adoption options are working out, then perhaps God is telling you to hold off on that and that maybe you'll conceive soon? That would be nice! It's so hard to know, though, and I know it's hard to think like that. I will pray that some doors open up for you really soon.
ReplyDeleteI heard from a woman who had high estrogen and is now pregnant. I asked her for info for you, so I'll forward you her response.
You are in my prayers!!! I know God will led you in the correct path in His time. I just get a feeling that all of a sudden, everything is going to fall into place for you. I'm so sorry about that agency- March/April...are they kidding?!! That is way too long to wait just for a meeting! It sounds like the attorney route might be more fruitful for you. I mean if doctor's offices recommend attorneys for women to go to, I could totally see how that would work. I don't know anyone who has used an attorney for an adoption, so I'm interested to hear how your meeting goes.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya on the campers! As a teacher, I love working with children, but I get upset when I see parents who take their children for granted and aren't really good at their job as parents. It is like a stab in the heart. I hope you can enjoy the fun aspects of the day though- I bet the little ones are just so adorable and huggable! :) I always have to tell myself during these times of difficulty that I will have a child- it is going to happen! (Waiting is just no fun!) :) xo
I want to tell you that as I was reading your post, I was praying for you. It is so hard to be at the crossroads. I pray that your heart will be able to discern where you and your DH are being led. I hope that clarity comes to you soon and know that all of this time of discernment will prove fruitful. Waiting is hard.
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you that someone compared my suffering to that of St. Faustina recently and I really know very little about her but what I have learned is amazing. I am no where near being like her, but it was thoughtful that that person was really aware of the suffering I was enduring. Hope your new book brings you peace and challenges you to be bold (you already are) for Christ always!
Enjoy those little ones if you can, I have learned that while I may not have any of my own children running down my halls, I am lucky enough to watch many children grow, learn, and love!
i can't believe that you're doing camp now too! you really must be exhausted! i did summer camp before i went to teachers' college and it did take a TON of energy. i always wanted to work with the little kids since the older ones had so much attitude! i do sympathize with you about how needy the little ones are. i used to teach grades five and six and now with the ones i'm dead at the end of the day!
ReplyDeletei wish that i had some advice about adoption. i believe that the rules are different up here. the only type of adoption that i've seriously investigated is domestic through our provincial children's aid society (my cousins adopted through them recently).
you're in my prayers! i'm sure that it will all come together, i just wish that it could go as fast as you want it to!
Wow, you're a glutton for punishment - you get the summer off and you do even more work!
ReplyDeleteI'm seeing Dr. L during day 1-3 of MY next cycle too! I've scheduled my appointment for Monday June 29 - when's yours??? (I still want to turn at least one RE appointment into a blogger lunch date!)
The camp sounds fun but tiring! At least you have a helper, too. Good luck with your next appointment and with deciding what to do about the adoption process. Others have already said similar things, but it does sort of sound like the adoption path is maybe not quite the road you need to be on right now?? Enjoy your book, your spiritual renewal, and see where that leads you, too. Good luck and prayers!
ReplyDeleteWe met with an adoption attorney also. He basically spent 2 hours telling us all about the world of independent adoption. Basically we have to find our own birthmother and then come to him. By law, he is restricted from "Marketing" or "matching" couples with birthmothers.
ReplyDeleteSo on the drive home, P is like, "Why did we just spend $200?"
Well we were frustrated at first, but now at least we know that if someone in our community chooses us (we've put the word out at our Parish by telling the priest we are homestudy approved and looking to adopt), then we'll already have an attorney to work with.
Apparently there are websites and such that you can advertise yourselves on ... and other ways to do it, but I just didn't feel lead that direction. So that is why we ended up with an agency.
G, I will pray for you specifically. Reading your post about playing with other people's kids when you wish you had your own just breaks my heart for you - well, for all of us!
I agree with GIMH, though ... In your case, it seems something is about to give.
I will be thinking of you and the others on Monday when I am going to surgery and in the post-op pain/discomfort, offering it up for you. SOMETHING's gotta give for SOMEONE SOON!
I'm so sorry you're in this spot and feeling overwhelmed. Gosh, I wish I still lived in Rockville so we could get together and talk about all these things! Just know that I'm praying for you.
ReplyDeleteoh, I'm so sorry you're overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that I'm praying for you. I have St. Faustina's diary. It really is jam packed with grace. I pray that it helps you!
Blessings, dear one!
I hear you on being sick of feeling stuck in the same place! Ugh, and the impatienece thing! We will be united in prayer...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed. And March/April? Are they crazy? I wonder if you could do training through another agency or organization (I know there are some organizations out there whose whole business is just the training piece) and transfer it to them? I think for the state-mandated training here, it didn't really matter where we did it, so I wonder if that's an option (but just not an option the agency likes to advertise).
ReplyDeleteUgh, March/April would depress the sh*& out of me, too!! I think an independent adoption sounds great- we didn't go that route for $$ reasons, but I know a woman who did one recently and had a wonderful experience. The best part, imo, is that you can be matched with a couple of possibilities, and if one becomes a failed placement, you can still pursue the second match. Whereas with an agency, the minute you're matched, they pull your profile and then you have to wait to be shown again after the failed placement. (This happened to my friend- her failed placement was in Jan, and she got her baby girl in March.)
ReplyDeleteI also feel exactly the same way as you about being a teacher/camp counselor/tutor, etc. - I have ALWAYS worked with kids, and it seems so ironic to me that women who devote their time to raising OTHER people's kids can't seem to have their own!! :(
Ug... I have been a nanny for a few families, and I always wonder, why don't you want to be HOME with your kids??? That's all I want to do.
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