It's been another busy week - what else is new?? Generally I like staying busy. My life is full of so many good things - I truly enjoy my work and all the other things I am involved with. This weekend we are heading to Connecticut for a Baptism. It will be so wonderful to see our friends and we are honored to be chosen as the Godparents. I am praying that our drive isn't too bad. We're hoping to leave around 2:00pm and get as far north as we can (maybe New Jersey?) before pulling over for a long dinner to miss the heavy traffic. We will spend the night with our friends in NYC and then drive together to the Baptism on Saturday morning in CT. It should be great!
Sometimes amidst the busyness I don't realize how things are affecting me. I have been reflecting on this the past couple of days because one night this week I was surprised by my own emotions. After looking back, it makes complete sense how I was feeling. But in the moment I was surprised.
Over the course of this one day I got news that a friend's baby was born and got text message pictures of the baby, had a conversation with a different friend about her pregnancy and birth plan, and exchanged emails with a third friend about planning meals for her delivery next month. I also realized that I was ovulating that day and had to make plans with my hubby as soon as we got home from work. I felt the pressure to use that day or else this cycle would be wasted. Unfortunately it took just one comment from my husband to put me over the edge. How did I not realize I would be emotional that night?
I am a very sensitive person by nature, so I try very hard to not overreact when something bothers me. I am easily hurt or defensive, so I have to make an effort to communicate how I'm feeling. But of course this is magnified when I'm already bringing some emotional baggage to the conversation.
As every infertile gal knows, some days (weeks or months) are just harder than others. It can be feast or famine with pregnancy/adoption announcements. Lately there has been an overwhelming amount of baby news in my life - both on the blogs and in real life. I have been filled with so many different emotions all at the same time. And yet I haven't had much time to process or reflect before more news arrives.
I'm still not exactly sure how to articulate what I'm feeling. I was already thinking about this post last night - and then I received another pregnancy announcement this morning. When I look back on the past couple of months, I can't even begin to count how many friends have gotten pregnant, adopted, or delivered. I have three pregnant co-workers that I pass in the halls every day. I also have countless friends who are in the "could be pregnant at any time" category. I know this is just one of those times, but how much can one barren girl take?
Praise God that I have been in a good place spiritually. Recently I have been so encouraged and strengthened by my spiritual director, my friends in faith, and my prayer life. And my husband is truly amazing. I shudder to think what I would be like without him supporting me on this journey. Unfortunately he bears the brunt of my irritability and moodiness. Sometimes I honestly don't notice it, but I am going to try my hardest to communicate better so that I don't take it out on him. Honey, I am sorry for my craziness.
Unfortunately right now I am feeling alone and left behind. Yes, in my strong moments I am filled with hope and peace and assurance and consolation. But it doesn't take much for my heart to go back to feeling sad.
"How long, LORD? Will you utterly forget me? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I carry sorrow in my soul, grief in my heart day after day? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look upon me, answer me, LORD, my God."
Psalm 13: 2-4
"Unfortunately right now I am feeling alone and left behind.
ReplyDeleteI HATE that feeling. Oh how I wish that this desire we have - to be given something that would glorify God and be a witness - would be fulfilled. I know our crosses are different but when you write something like what I quoted...I am reminded how similar our sufferings feel sometimes. I love you, friend, and am praying so hard for you and your sweet wonderful husband.
I have been there. Soooo there. And will be there again at some point. There is an abundance of pregnancy around me as well, and I have a baby shower to attend tomorrow and one to throw in February. It can make life hard.
ReplyDeleteThe amount of announcements in the blog world has been crazy and I can't even imagine having more in the real world on top of that too- also a Baptism! Wow. You are so strong, G, and your faith through it all inspires me. I hope that when we are waiting to adopt again I can be as reflective and prayerful as you have been. I will be thinking/praying for you this weekend.
ReplyDeleteWow - that is an excessive amount of baby news to have around you - more so than the rest of us. You've handled it really well.
ReplyDeleteI, too, hold emotions inside and then end up snapping at DH about the smallest thing instead of acknowledging there is something bigger bothering me - usually IF related. We do have to work at processing it all - especially baby news which brings on such a diverse range of emotions.
Have a wonderful and safe trip to the baptism.
I'm praying for you girl! You give me so much hope and encouragement. I wish I could give all the hope and encouragement in the world back to you!! You are so thoughtful and I am so blessed to have you in my life at this stage in our journeys. I hope that gives you some encouragement at this time!!!
ReplyDeleteps- It really does seem like everyone is having a baby right now...what's up with that?? ;)
Those times are SO hard. Do you think that it could be the work of the evil one trying to tear you down after your awesome retreat? I felt a lot of peace by offering up my emotional pain for someone else that was suffering that I knew, it really helped me handle the pain better.
ReplyDeleteHave fun in NYC, I LOVE that city, can you treat yourself to something special, like Magnolia Cupcakes?
It's been a crazy couple of weeks, for sure. I was trying to explain to my husband last night - it's like carrying a mountain all the time, and you get really strong, but then sometimes there are too many drains on your strength, and you take one more step, and it crushes you like a bug. So a together modern adult woman is suddenly a sniveling basket case, sobbing into a pillow and (in my case) shrieking things at my husband and, er, friends. How did that happen?
ReplyDeleteI think you're right, time to process is important. Permission to feel something, right? I hope you get some "me" time to process all the recent tumult soon.
I think we all understand the left behind feeling. I haven't had any IRL pregnancy announcements lately (although a couple people just found out what they are having). I even got a bit angry at the characters on Chuck when my DH suggested that they might be doing a pregnancy announcement soon. How crazy is that!
ReplyDeleteI hope your trip goes well, and congratulations on being godparents.
Where in CT will you be??? (You can e-mail me through my blog. I live in CT!!)
ReplyDeleteI AM SO WITH YOUR RIGHT NOW!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe IRL pregnancies have affected me more psychologically than the ones of my blog friends, but they have affected me nonetheless. I have been really struggling with feelings of guilt on top of feeling extra, special barren. Not a great mix.
I don't know if I could handle a baptism on top of all of this! How wonderful for your friends to choose you as godparents, but I can totally appreciate how painful it is for you.
I'm praying for you. Our time will come, I just hope that the wait isn't too much longer!
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ReplyDeleteG - thanks for sharing! I think my low point was this past fall when my SIL and BIL called at 8:30pm on a Sunday night and asked if they could stop over to see us. Okay, no one just stops over to see us - we live in a pretty rural area and very few people just happens to be in the area (well, except my husband's parents do live about 5 miles away)! When my husband hung up the phone, I said - I know it, they are coming to announce that they are pregnant. Sure enough, they come over and after the general niceties and small talk (all the while I think everyone in the room knows the reason they are there, but no one wants to admit it)...they tell us the expected news. Yep, a honeymoon baby - a wedding night baby to be exact! I almost fell off the couch, but regained my composure. Now, I love my SIL and BIL very much and they are great people and they will be great parents. My husband remarked afterwards when discussing our path to parenthood with their path...that it was another confirmation that the Lord's ways are not our own! It made me realize that I could get lapped again and again by both sides of the family and that I would have to come to grips with that. (Oh and I don't know what is more heart wrenching - hearing the pregnancy news from your relatives (or others for that matter) or my other SIL telling me that her 4 kids (1 1/2 - 9) are praying each night that Mr B and I will be blessed with children! That being said - the prayers of children are very powerful so I tell her to have them keep it up! We need all the help we can get!) I prayed for you and all the other IFs that I correspond with in blogland at the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City yesterday! Have fun this weekend! (Sorry for the long comment!)
ReplyDeleteOh G, I am sorry that this is so overwhelming right now. There has been tons of pregnancy news in our lives recently too - there are always a handful of friends who are pregnant, but sometimes it gets pretty excessive and it can be so hard! I know that God has not forgotten about you and your husband and I think there is so much for you to be hopeful in this year - just your first three months are going to be packed with new things. I know it is easy for me to say this, but I really do believe it. Holding you close in prayer.
ReplyDeletePraise God you are in a good place spiritually is right...I'd have to be to handle all of those pregnancy announcements and a baptism. You are finding the strength somewhere. I know I like to be strong on the forefront but when I go home...I let my weakness show. My dh understands. Thankfully, at my age, preg announcements are rare. However when I go to schools to sub I see plenty of prego bellies and I know I will see lots when I'm a teacher myself. And I will be honest about my journey if anyone should ask. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteWow - baby overload!
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you one iota for feeling crushed under the weight of all the news.
We all understand, G, and are praying for you. It's just HARD. There is No way around it.
I totally understand....The psalm is perfect....Puts the ball back in God's court. hahahaha Little do I know its already in His court! haha
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