Still Sinking In...

So I've been wanting to post all week and haven't been able to find the right words. I've come to the conclusion that everything is still sinking in for me. I AM A MOM! Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

Now that we have passed the revocation period (Alleluia!) I can finally let myself go. Until Monday at 5:00pm there was always a chance that this could fall through. Even though it felt like a very small chance, it was still there lurking it's ugly head. And as all infertile gals know, we are used to being disappointed. We are used to guarding our hearts and expecting bad news. I couldn't fully embrace this miracle until Monday.

That is not to say that I haven't been full of SO MUCH JOY these past 37 days. My husband and I have truly relished every second with this precious baby boy. We haven't stopped smiling and have loved spending our days and nights with this little guy. Have I felt like a mother this entire time? Yes and no. It's pretty difficult to "un-guard" your heart, especially when you know that you have a 30-day window when it could be taken away. I can't say that I truly felt like a mother overnight - and yet I hear that is pretty common, even for mothers who give birth.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this or not, but usually our agency does not allow direct placements from the hospital. Most couples don't get their child until the 30-day revocation period has passed. In our case the birthmother requested that we take the baby home from the hospital and we had also hoped we would get that chance. We were willing to take the risk. A lot happens in 30 days!

I will be forever grateful that we got to hold Tommy just 20 minutes after being born. We fed him his first bottle and were present for all the other "firsts" in his life. We took him home from the hospital at just 24 hours old and had the quintessential first night at home. (I was so nervous I didn't sleep a wink!) We have watched him grow and change in this short period of time. We have started bonding and attaching and have gotten used to being a family of three.

This time has been absolute HEAVEN. It's what we waited, hoped and prayed for. And yet I'm still waiting for the moment when it will really sink in and hit me. Over the years I have felt such deep pain, sorrow, frustration and spiritual desolation... I guess I have been expecting the same magnitude of joy and consolation to overwhelm me. I expected that I would much more emotional and I haven't.

I've realized that I need to cut myself a little slack. Being an adoptive, infertile mom after five years of marriage and trying to conceive is complicated. I know that other bloggers have written about this in the past and I remember thinking, "What are you talking about? You're a mom! That's all that matters!"

On one hand there is nothing complicated about it - we have a baby in our house and we are his parents! But on the other hand I think it's going to take my head, heart and emotions a little bit of time to catch-up with the whirlwind that has taken place over the past month and a half.

Our world was rocked - in the best possible way - and in the way we had hoped it would be! But it has still been rocked, and I'm trying to figure out this new identity of mine. Like it or not, being an infertile woman trying to become a mother has ruled my identity. In a way I'm trying to figure out my new self, now that I have "crossed over."

Can you tell I'm still processing all of this? Don't get me wrong - it hasn't been difficult jumping into the practical aspects of being a mother. I always new that it would come easy to me and I LOVE LOVE LOVE every little part of my day taking care of Tommy. Of course it helps that he is the world's best baby! Seriously, everyone is amazed when they meet him how sweet, relaxed, and calm he is. This baby doesn't cry! He just sweetly smacks his lips when he's hungry. :)

We couldn't be any more thrilled with this miracle that has dropped into our laps. I guess now is the first time that I can take a (small) step back and examine all that has happened. I don't want to forget so many of the amazing moments that we have experienced. In addition to being overwhelemed by this precious baby, I have been overwhelmed by the love that has been showered on us by everyone in our lives.

I know that most new parents experience this, but for us it has all happened so quickly. We have been flooded with love, prayers, support, prayers, encouragement, prayers, gifts, meals, visitors, and more prayers! I love that so many people have shared this journey with us. Our little Tommy has touched so many people's lives. I love that God is using our story to touch hearts. After all, isn't that our purpose in life? To be vessels for the Lord to move in this world?

Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers along the way. At this point I can't keep track of who is reading my blog - a lot of "in real life" family and friends have started reading to stay connected to our story. Thank you for journeying with us!