So today is cycle day 1... you all know how much fun that can be. ;) Actually, I told All You Who Hope that it's actually not as bad as it used to be for me. I've pretty much resigned myself to expect my period when it comes. I haven't had many pregnancy expectations in a long time. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I can't decide if this is me being realistic and protecting my heart... or if this is me being hopeless and despairing. That being said, this cycle was a little different because my doctor was so hopeful for me during my last appointment. Even though we decided the laparoscopy is my next step, he kept saying "maybe you won't end up needing it after all!" My last test results showed that the Femara has really had an effect on my cycle and my hormones seem to be more normal. So I did sense a little hope creeping in during the past month. But it's still not clear if the hormone thing has been my infertility problem or not. Hence the laparoscopy.
Soooo, now I find myself hoping for endometriosis. Is that wrong??? I keep thinking how wonderful it would be if they find the endo, treat it and all my problems are solved. Obviously there is a chance that this can actually happen. (Especially since my doc is at a loss for what else could be wrong with us.) However I don't really trust my perspective. Is this likely to happen? Am I right to hope for this? I really have lost sense of what is realistic or not. I think this is one side-effect of IF... having crazy, emotionally-driven hopes and expectations. Throw in a big dash of impatience and fertility drugs that play with our hormones. No wonder we have such dramatic ups and downs. Dear Lord, please help us all.
I'm so sorry this last cycle ended.
ReplyDeleteBut the good news is that the laparoscopy will be very informative.
The hardest part of infertility - for me at least- was the not knowing.
I'd spend countless hours and tons of energy trying to "figure it out." I'd pour over my charts, strategize, regret things we'd done, (like which days we used, which ones we didn't, etc.) then wonder whether any of it mattered at all.
After my surgery (and especially after this last one) I no longer wonder what the problem is. We now know endo was our problem but no longer is, and only time will tell if there are any other problems.
It brought a lot of peace to our situation knowing what we were dealing with.
I am praying for you!
Me too! I had stage 4 endo ant two laparoscopies and after 4 years of infertility I'm pregnant with number 2!
ReplyDeleteI'll keep you in my prayers. I really know how hard it is. The laps are not that bad either.