I'm a Mess!

I've seriously been a mess all weekend, at least emotionally speaking. It's not all bad, but I've done a lot of crying. And my nasty cold has been sticking around, so that does not make for a great combination. It's pretty gross actually! I have blown my nose so much that all the skin around my nose has peeled off. Hopefully my voice won't be so raspy for school tomorrow. I thought for sure it would be back by now.

I have a feeling that this post is going to be all over the place - so bare with me - but I guess that goes along with how I'm feeling. I had coffee with a good friend on Saturday morning. (Love you LKT!) We talked about many things, like we always do, but in particular we were sharing our current spiritual journey and how things were going in our prayer life. I shared with her what I had been reflecting on during the past week since my last spiritual direction. I have come to the conclusion that I am going through some serious spiritual dryness. I didn't post much about this earlier because I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. I can't put my finger on how long I've been feeling this way, but my prayer life has felt very dry. That is the best way I can explain it. It's been a time of desolation. Thankfully it hasn't been a place of total darkness or despair for me. I don't feel abandoned by God. But yet I haven't feel the things I generally do. I haven't felt inspired by Scripture or reflections or spiritual reading. I can look back on other times in my life when everything was full of meaning and I found God's presence in all things. I read some old journals recently and I was left thinking, "Where did I go? Where is that person now?"

I posed the same question to Fr. T last week and to my friend yesterday - is something wrong with me (am I not doing enough) or is this just where I'm at right now? I have been trying to figure out if I have been too lazy or too sad and it's "my fault" that I'm going through this dryness. Or if God is giving me this time of desolation for a reason. I have heard over and over again about how many great saints went through a time of darkness in their lives. I think St. John of the Cross was the one to call it a "dark night" and many saints talk about feeling completely removed from God. So in a way, I take much consolation in that fact.

I just can't remember a time when my relationship with the Lord felt like so much work. I want to get to adoration, I want to do more spiritual reading, I want to say more novenas, I want to read more Scripture, etc... and yet all of these things are so difficult for me to actually go through with. I can't tell you how many books I've started and stopped recently. None of them seem to speak to me. So I decided to stop trying to do so much and just "be" with the Lord. And yet I can't seem to do that either. My mind wanders, it is filled with doubt, and I simply choose to do other things instead. I feel God's call to draw near to Him and I feel the need to be fed spiritually, and yet I don't know how. Or perhaps I'm choosing not to. I'm still a bit confused about it.

Yet I think I turned a corner this weekend. As I was driving home from coffee with my friend this song ("Whatever Your Doing" by Santus Real) was on the radio. It COMPLETELY spoke to my heart. The words were exactly what I was feeling...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

And the mere fact that the song came on at that moment gave me such consolation. These are the kind of moments that I have been missing! When I'm in a place of grace and consolation I have these moments all the time. Do you know what I mean?

One thing I have been reflecting on is that God gives us what we need at each moment of our lives. And as we grow and change we need different things. I don't doubt that I can grow during this time, it's just so different from what I've ever experienced before. It's kind of a time of testing for me. I feel the Lord asking me, "Do you love me?" just as He asked Peter. It's as if this is my time to prove my love. I will continue to go to Mass even if I don't "feel" anything. I will continue to pray and read and sit in silence even if I'm not feeling inspired. In a way it's a more mature or more adult love. God gave me the graces I needed in the past to grow my faith to where I am now. As we all know, suffering leads us to the cross. We are united to Christ during our times of pain and sadness.

I also started reading, "Come Be My Light" which is a collection of Mother Teresa's letters. I chose this intentionally because it is a book about her own spiritual darkness. I figure that if she went through this, it can't be all bad. This passage struck me this morning, "Now I really rejoice when something does not go as I wish - because I see that He wants our trust - that is why in the loss let us praise God as if we have got everything." I haven't gotten very far, but so far I have enjoyed it.

Then today my hubby and I watched the movie, "Fireproof." Have you seen it? I had heard good things about it and I was in the mood for something sappy and romantic. My hubby gave in and we rented it. It was sooooo good for many reasons. First I will say that it's not the world's greatest acting - no Academy Award nominees here. It's kind of like an after-school special movie. But once you give into the fact it's going to be a bit preachy the message is so beautiful! It speaks the truth about love and marriage. I was pretty much bawling the entire time.

First I was all sappy about how great my husband is. Truly he is a wonderful man and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I never want to take him for granted. I love him so much more than the day we got married and I can see how our love will continue to grow for the rest of our lives. That is such a beautiful thought! He has been such a source of strength for me during these hard times. I thank God for blessing us with the gift of a great marriage - it truly is such a gift.

One of the main messages of the movie is that you need to love your spouse even when you don't feel like it or even if they don't deserve it. Obviously this is because our married love is an image of God's love for us - and this is how He loves us. What really struck me is that I need to continue to love God during this time of dryness - even when I don't feel like it, even when I don't "feel" His presence. Love is so much more than feelings. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and I need to be in it for the long haul.

There were some really great songs used in the movie - so I immediately downloaded them from iTunes! I am feeling very inspired by them already. The makers of the movie have some great marriage resources including a book called "The Love Dare" and it's all about how to love your spouse better. (Part of the plot involved the main character reading this book.) We bought it online and I'm excited to go through it with my hubby.

Well, I realize this post has gotten VERY long, but I have been feeling so many things. I can't quite articulate it all... but I know that I'm feeling better than I was before. I truly think I have turned a corner.

The last thing I'll mention is that I decided to join AYWH and LifeHopes at the conference in Raleigh this weekend. I am SO EXCITED to meet these lovely ladies and to share this conference together! This blog and all of you have been a big part of my journey. I think it will be really good timing. I will drive to Richmond, then AYWH and I will drive to Raleigh together. I seriously can't wait!