Weekend Update

Do any of you watch Saturday Night Live? The title of my post makes me think about the hilarious Weekend Update segment - it's my favorite part of SNL!

I'll start with the bad news first. My team lost this weekend. REALLY badly. Ugh, it was so ugly. I'm sad to admit how much this affects me - but it does! So I was pretty upset about that all weekend.

But besides football, I had a good weekend overall. It started with our social worker visit on Friday night. It seemed less "intense" to me than the first one, probably because we've been through it once before. She started by interviewing one of our references (thanks L!) I haven't chatted with my friend since the interview, but I intend to pry her for details! Ha ha. It probably lasted about 15 minutes. Then she interviewed my husband and I separately.

Thankfully the social worker had given us a questionnaire to fill out before the interview. It really helped us formulate our thoughts and it helped the social worker direct her questions. Mostly she asked about my family life growing up, about our marriage, and about my work. It was pretty straight forward. I did tear up when she asked me to talk about my husband. I couldn't help it! She asked me why I love him and what kind of dad he will be. It was overwhelming to try and put those feelings into words. Everything I said seemed trivial compared to the depth of my feelings. I am so, so blessed to be married to this man. I cannot thank God enough for the gift of our marriage. Our journey of infertility has taught me that no matter what happens in terms of having children, I will be so lucky to spend my life with my husband. (Ok, so apparently I can't even get through this post without crying!)

Before the social worker left she asked if we had any questions. Of course I immediately asked, "How long until our homestudy is complete?" Unfortunately it's still not very clear, but it probably won't be before January. We couldn't schedule our next (and last) home visit until Friday, December 4th. After that she will begin writing our homestudy. Then she submits it to the agency for review. Then we get to review it. And after all that it will be finalized. Given the holidays and everything, I can't imagine all of that will happen in 2009, but I'm actually ok with that.

I have been given a peace recently that I really need to surrender. Let go and let God. Truly, there is nothing else that I can do. Whether it's infertility or adoption, it is all out of my hands. We can do our part, but afterwards we must let go. It's taken me a lot to get to this point. My head knew this was the answer all along, but convincing my heart is always another matter. Watching other people's stories unfold has taught me that we just never know how God is going to work. And ultimately I really do want to do His will. I do trust that His plans are better than mine. Now don't get me wrong, a little part of me still dies on the inside when I see a pregnant belly or a nursing mother. But I'm in a much better place to deal with those feelings than I used to be.

I have to give a lot of credit to my spiritual director, Msgr P. I have met with him twice in the past couple of months and he has really helped me move forward with my spiritual life. (He was my spiritual director many years ago, he led me and my hubby through our marriage prep and he even flew to California for our wedding. We've kept in touch over the years, but I haven't met with him regularly until now.) It really helps that I've know him for awhile and I feel like he really knows me. Also, he is really gifted at direction. Because of this he is a VERY busy man. I mean really busy. It's hard to schedule with him and almost every time we meet he is late. But I got to a point where I realized that he is worth it. He really is. He gets me and he knows how to direct me, and I'm in a place right now where I really need that.

During our meeting on Saturday morning we talked about Discernment of Spirits. I have been reading a great book on that subject, so it was helpful to talk it through with him. The book is almost like a text book, so now I need to actually put into practice everything I've been learning.

We started our meeting with confession, which was great. I hadn't been in about three months and I knew that I needed it. My penance was to pray the Memorare. He suggested that I start praying that prayer every day. It's funny because I still have it memorized from when I was little, but I can't tell you the last time I prayed it. He suggested it because first, he believe so strongly in the power of Our Lady and second, the prayer speaks about our confidence in her intercession. I will put it at the bottom of this post in case you're interested.

We discussed how distracted I have been in prayer. And while distraction is common for all people, I have been really distracted. I have kept up my daily prayer routines, but I haven't really been present. Msgr P immediately pointed out that the heart of my problem is fear. I am afraid to be fully present or to listen to God because I am afraid of what He might say. He is so right! He told me, "You need to be like Our Lady, you have to suck it up and meet Him at the cross." Ha ha... that is an exact quote!

He went on to describe the scene from the Passion of the Christ when Mary sees Jesus carrying the cross. She is full of sorrow and doesn't want to see Him in such pain. So it takes all her strength to go meet Him at the cross, and Jesus says to her, "See Mother, I make all things knew."

We decided that I'm going to start small. After morning Mass I'm going to spend 10-15 minutes reflecting on the Gospel. I'm going to simply acknowledge my thoughts, feelings and desires while reflecting. Where did my heart rest? And then relate it to Jesus. Talk to Him. It seems so simple, but it is a big step for me because of how distracted I have been lately.

Oh, and the last thing he told me was to take a break from thinking about infertility. Now obviously that is pretty much impossible! But he suggested that I just live my life, live in the present, and enjoy the holidays without being consumed by my infertility. I'm really going to try and make this happen.

I had to laugh because as I was driving away from the church, the first thing I saw was a cute pregnant lady walking with her husband. I took this as a little joke from God. :)

Here is the Memorare if you're interested in praying it:

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary,
that never was it known
that anyone who fled to thy protection,
implored thy help,
or sought thy intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother;
to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions,
but in thy mercy hear and answer me.
Amen.